|My grandmother died in the 80's, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce:|
The long walks we used to take to the shop in town, the 5 cents she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or cleaning off the driveway. Her soothing hands when I would get hurt.
But the thing I remember most was her sage advice:
Once when I was about 13, we were sitting in the park enjoying a cookie and a Coke. She told me that one day I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.
"Always remember this," she said. "Be sure you marry a woman with small hands."
"How come, Grandma?"
She smiled and said gently, "Makes your dick look bigger."
Grandma was special...
|David Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone would like to show him a trick.|
"I will", replies a guy in the audience, "but I'm going to need your wife Claudia and a table."
"Ok," says David and the guy gets on stage.
He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down her knickers and starts fucking her from behind.
David is now very pissed off and says, "That isn't a trick!!!"
The guy just looks at David Copperfield and replies, "I know, it's Fucking Magic."
|1) Some women's legs are like rumors, they just keep on spreading.|
2) If you are ugly; you are ugly - stop talking about inner beauty because we don't walk around with X-rays.
3) Dear sister, don't be deceived by a man who text you I miss you only when it's raining. You are not an umbrella.
4) Check your girlfriend's body, if she has more tattoos or piercings, you can cheat on her. She is already used to pain.
5) Dating a slim or slender guy is cool. The problem is when you are lying on his chest then his ribs draw adidas lines on your face.
6) It's better for a man to be stingy with the money he has hustled for, than for a woman to deny you a hole that she didn't even drill it herself.
7) Some of you girls can't even jog for 5 minutes but expect a guy to last in bed with you for 2 hours??? Your level of selfishness demands a one week crusade.
8) If women think having their period (menstruation) in a whole month is a difficult task, they should ask the men how difficult is it to control an erected Penis in public.
9) No sex before marriage? If that was God's plan you would receive your Penis or Vagina on your wedding day.
10) Whenever things seem to start going well in your life, the Devil comes along and gives you a girlfriend.
11) Sucking breast is a survival skill guys learnt at birth. But as to how and where girls learnt the act of sucking dicks still baffles me...
12) Swimming pool is much more useful than the Liverpool football club.
|Three Texans were in a bar throwing back a few, while they were discussing the meaning of life. The conversation grew deeper and deeper when one of the gents started talking about reincarnation. The trio started considering the possibility of the existence of this phenomenon and what each would prefer to come back as given the choice.|
The first cowboy said, "Well I think if I had my 'druthers I'd come back as a big Brahman bull."
The other two contemplated this choice and inquired as to why a bull.
"Well," he said, "If I was a bull all I would have to do would be to lie around, eat and sleep all day. My women would be brought to me, and my owner would be paid for my services. That seem like a pretty good life to me."
His two buddies both agreed that sounded like a good way to go through life, but one thought he could improve on it. He said, "I'd rather come back as a range bull."
"A range bull, why a range bull?"
"Well," he said, "If I was a range bull it would be much the same as the life Leroy was talkin' 'bout. All I would have to do all day is lie around, eat and sleep, but I wouldn't have no fences to hold me back, and I would have my choice of all the women on the range. That seems like the best life to me."
Leroy nodded in agreement.
Just then ol' Charlie spoke up. "Naw," he said as he shook his head, "Ya'll got it all wrong. I'd rather come back as a whale."
"A whale, why in tarnation would you want to come back as a whale?" They were amazed at Charlie's statement.
Charlie just grinned and said, "Can you imagine having a seven foot tongue and bein' able to breathe out of the top of your head?"