• Red and Green Rings

    Two very nervous men got to talking in the doctor's waiting room.

    They discovered they had similar symptoms: one had a red ring around the base of his 'you know what' and the other one had a green ring.

    The fellow with the red ring was examined first. In a few minutes he came out, all smiles, and said, "Don't worry, man, it's nothing."

    Vastly relived, the second man went into the examining room, only to be told a few minutes later by the doctor, "I'm sorry, but you have an advanced case of VD. I'm afraid you'll have to be castrated."

    Turning white, the young man gasped, "But the first guy... he said it was no big deal!"

    "Well, you know," said the doctor, "there's a big difference between gangrene and lipstick."
  • The Pharmacists' Convention

    The madam had assembled some of her girls for the men in town for the pharmacists' convention.

    "This is Dolores," she smiled, "for $250 I can promise you an exciting evening starting with a hot tub."

    "And this is Connie, available for $375. She's rigged an Oriental Swing in her room.

    "Now lovely Maria," she continued, "can be yours for both straight and kinky sex, including bondage. She's yours for the night for only $300."

    "And if you take a fancy to tantalizing Jenny here, why she can..."

    "Just a minute." interrupted one of the druggists. "Don't you have any generic ones?"
  • A Well Hung Swimmer

    Scene: The finish line of the famous Venice Canal swim race. A newspaper reporter is interviewing Pierre, who was favored to win the race.

    Reporter asks, "Pierre, you were favored to win today's Venice Canal race by a 1/4 mile; this wasn't even supposed to challenge you. Why then did you finish dead last, shocking your fans?"

    Pierre said, "Well, at the start I was in the lead, and taking it easy, knowing there was no one in reach of me. As I passed under the first bridge, Suzzette was standing on top of it, rubbing her hips, and looking very sexy. She was calling to me, saying, 'Pierre, I am yours when you finish therace.'
    This started to get me excited, my swim suit was getting uncomfortable."

    "The next bridge I passed under, the beautiful Rose was standing on thebridge. She had her shirt off, and was fondling her large breasts, saying, 'these are for you when you finish the race, Pierre.'"
    "I was now dragging in the mud. The other swimmers were now in sight, but I swam on."

    "The third bridge I passed under, the naked Bridget was standing on it. She was rubbing her body, and calling to me, saying, 'I am yours when you finish the race Pierre, I want you so bad.'
    "This was it, I was now stuck in the mud, all the other swimmers passed me, and I was sad to let down my fans. I didn't know what to do."

    Reporter: "But Pierre, why didn't you try the backstroke?"

    Pierre: "Ah, but what of the bridges?"
  • The Irish Wedding Brawl

    A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

    The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court.

    The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court".

    The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge... I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened".

    The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.

    Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.

    The judge says, "OK."

    "Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song... when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."

    The Judge instantly responded... "God... that must of hurt!"

    Paddy replies "HURT! He broke three of my feeckin fingers."