• Set the Mood Withe Alexa Skills

    Alexa, I am feeling horny.

    Alexa: Most certainly you are. Don't worry. I dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 degrees.

    The dick hardener is kept on top right shelf of your wardrobe. The pussy gel is kept next to it.

    I have hired your favourite Thai masseur. She is just 12 minutes away as per her Uber ride status.

    I have scheduled her 5k payment from your credit card 2 hours from now.

    I have checked your wife's GPS and she is in Big Bazaar Lower Parel buying groceries. As per her buying checklist stored on my disk, she will take at least 2 more hours plus considering Google maps traffic, more 1 hour to reach home.

    Enjoy your fuck. And yes, your condom is in the pull out drawer of living room and the key to that drawer is in your wallet.

    This is the last condom, so have added condoms to your Amazon cart.
  • Final Print

    Secretary complaining with friend about her Boss:

    He is so crazy about SEX! He tells me to do 'LAPTOP' and then 'DESKTOP' Position followed by 'SPREADSHEET FORMAT'

    He tells me to 'Convert' his 'SOFT DISC' into 'HARD DISC' & he installs 'ANTI-VIRUS' to 'ENTER' and 'SCROLLS' it in my 'C-DRIVE' till it 'EJECTS'.

    Once I tried to 'ESC' but he caught and 'SHIFTED' me to his 'HOME' where he started pressing my 'BACKSPACE' saying-let us 'RESTART' again...!

    If I refuse he threatens to keep me on 'STAND-BY' Position. Many times he works without 'CAPS-LOCK' and crashes my 'SYSTEM' until he 'LOGS-IN' and Looses his 'Ctrl'.The process continues till I 'ZIP' him and 'SHUTDOWN' his 'MAIN SYSTEM'.

    But he doesn't know that the final 'PRINT-OUT' of all this 'DATA' will be handed over to him by me within a few months.....
  • Forgot Password?

    Many years ago I was acting as the system administrator for a test system in a large publicly held company.

    Periodically I would receive a call from someone who had not accessed the system recently, forgot their password and locked themselves out trying to logon. I would look up their password and unlock the system for them and they would go on their merry way.

    One day I received a call from a young lady who was in just such a predicament. I looked up her password and informed her that it was 'DOME' and, just to be playful, told her the price for me being gracious enough to unlock her sign-on was an explanation of the meaning of her password.

    She became very embarrassed over the phone and pleaded that she could never reveal her secret.

    I of course replied that I would not give her system access until she did. After negotiating for several minutes she finally acquiesced but made me promise to never reveal her password meaning to any of her colleagues to which I gladly agreed.

    "Well, what does it mean?" I asked.

    She hesitated and then replied, "It's two words."

    There was pregnant pause. I unlocked her system and simply said, "Have a nice day".
  • Floppy Antivirus?

    This is from the days when we still had 3 1/2" floppy drives:

    One day while returning to my desk after a routine call, a young lady flagged me down and asked for help, "My floppy drive won't work, can you help me?"

    I told her I'd take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive.

    While I spent the next 20 minutes getting her disk out and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys in the corner trying awful hard to keep a straight face. I asked her how the plastic got in the drive.

    "Oh, you mean the condom? Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before inserting it to prevent it from catching viruses."

    By this point, John & Dave were roaring and it was all I could do to keep from joining them. The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5" plastic sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played and she shouldn't do that anymore, when she asked, "Does that mean that I don't have to stroke it ten times or blow on it either?"