|An Irish golfer slices his tee shot into the woods. Looking for it, he finds it near a tiny man lying near a bush with this huge knot on his head. The golfer revives the leprechaun.|
When he awakes, he says, "I will grant you three wishes."
The man replies, "I want nothing from you. I'm just glad I didn't hurt you." and walks away.
The leprechaun says, "He was a nice guy and, after all, he did catch me. I should do something nice for him. I'll just give him the three most common wishes: unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
A year later, the same golfer hits a great shot on the same hole on the same course, but decides to check out the woods anyway. Sure enough, there's the same leprechaun.
"How are you?" he asks.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine! How's your golf game?"
"It's great! Every round I'm under par!"
"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun. "And how's your financial condition?"
"Amazing. Ever since I met you, every time I reach into my pocket, there's money there."
"I did that for you, too!" responds the leprechaun. "So how's your sex life?"
Now the golfer looks at the ground. "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored. "Once or twice a week?! That's all?"
"Well, that's not too bad for a small town Catholic priest!"
|The husband's tee shot went far right, while the wife's went far left. She finally found her ball in a patch of buttercups.|
She took several practice swings and then hit a nice ball back onto the fairway, but in the process, she hacked the hell out of the buttercups. As she returned to her bag, a woman appeared out of nowhere.
"I'm Mother Nature and I resent the way you treated my buttercups. As punishment, from this moment on you will hate the taste of butter. Each time you eat it you'll become nauseous." Mother Nature then vanished as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife yelled to her husband, "Honey! Where are you?" "I'm over here... in the pussy willows." She screamed, "Hold your swing! HOLD YOUR SWING!!!"
|An avid male golfer's buddies were going to be out of town for
the weekend so he decided to go down to the golf course and see
if any group might need a fourth member. Sure enough, there were
three women and they were glad to have him join them.
Since he was the guest, they decided to let him tee off first. The man teed off and his ball sliced badly to the right and landed in a sand trap. The man immediately exclaimed "Oh shit!"
One of the women reminded him that he was playing with three ladies and not his male buddies and that ladies do not appreciate that kind of language. The man promptly apologized and promised it would not happen again.
The woman who had spoken to him about the cursing then teed off and her ball hit a tree and then caromed off into the same sand trap. She immediately said "Oh shit!"
The man spoke up and said that he realized he was a guest but it seemed like there was a double standard in that the woman used the same word that he was told he should not use.
The woman quickly replied, "There's no double standard. Your ball didn't hit the fucking tree!"
|A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar.|
He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.
He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck.
When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day!
The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.
When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00
He asks the Manager, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"
"I'm sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."
"Well, said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"
"That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager.
"Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"