• Dads Fault

    "Late again?" Miss Crabtree scolded Little Johnny.

    "It ain't my fault," said Little Johnny. "This is my Daddy's fault. Im three hours late cause Daddy sleeps naked!"

    Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for over thirty years but had never heard that one before.

    "Exactly what does that mean, Johnny?"

    "Well, Miss Crabtree, a coyote's been hangin' round the ranch lately. He's killed six hens and Ma's best goat. So last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and told Ma, 'That coyote's back again. I'm a'gonna git 'im!'"

    He told us kids to stay inside and he ran out naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt, no nuttin'!

    He crawled out to the hen house, stuck his shotgun through the window of the chicken coop. As he tried to see into the dark coop, our hound dog came sneakin' up behind him and stuck his cold nose right up Daddy's behind!

    Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this morning!'"
  • No Sex for a Month

    Little Johnny was playing in the backyard when some honeybees started annoying him.

    He tried to stomp on them, but his father reprimanded him, saying, "Stop that, John! Now you'll get no honey for a month!"

    Later, Little Johnny caught some butterflies and started torturing them.

    His father yelled, "Stop that, John! Now you'll get no butter for a month!"

    That evening, as Little Johnny's mother prepared dinner, a cockroach scurried across the kitchen floor. She stomped it dead.

    Little Johnny looked at his father and asked, "You gonna tell her or should I?"
  • The Perfect Penis

    Little Johnny and Mary were playing in the backyard when Mary asked, "Johnny, what's a penis?"

    "I don't know," replied Little Johnny, "but I'll ask my dad. He knows everything."

    Little Johnny found his father in the bathroom and asked his question.

    "Well, son, it's hard to explain. Why don't I just show you?"

    He pulled down his pants and displayed his member, "Johnny, that's a penis. In fact, that's a perfect penis."

    Little Johnny thanked his dad and returned to the backyard.

    "Well," asked Mary, "did your daddy know?"

    "Yes," replied Little Johnny, "But it's hard to explain. Why don't I just show you?"

    He led Mary into the garage, dropped his shorts and said, "Mary, this is a penis... and if it was three inches shorter, it would be a perfect penis!"
  • Little Johnny's First Date

    Little Johnny had a first date lined up with a woman he had been after for quite a while. When she finally consented to go out with him, he wanted to plan the most romantic evening he could.

    He picked her up at her apartment, and then drove out to the beach.

    Little Johnny had prepared very carefully for this date and brought out a blanket for them to sit upon the sand and a bottle of the finest wine.

    The moonlight was shining down on them and Little Johnny poured his date some wine. He handed her the glass, looked lovingly in to her eyes and said, "Now this is what I call romantic. The waves crashing on the shore, the moonlight in your eyes, a warm tropical breeze, a bottle of wine.....,"

    He takes a sip of wine and says, "Oh and by the way...do you Spit or swallow?