• Eat First?

    Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.

    The only thing he said was, "F.F."

    His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."

    Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."

    She responded simply, "E.F."

    He repeated, "F.F."

    She again replied, "E.F."

    "Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"

    Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"
  • The Irresistible Offer

    Pierre, Marie, and their six children lived in a log cabin on the edge of a lake in northern Quebec. One day, Pierre decided he had had enough and set out across the lake in his canoe.

    Seeing this, Marie hollered out to him, "Pierre, what are you doing?"

    Pierre replied, "Woman, I'm leaving you!"

    Marie hollered, "But Pierre, what about our marriage?"

    Pierre replied, "To hell with the marriage. Woman, I'm leaving you!" He kept paddling across the lake.

    Marie hollered, "But Pierre, what about our beautiful cabin?"

    Pierre replied, "To hell with the cabin. Woman, I'm leaving you!" He kept paddling across the lake.

    Marie hollered, "But Pierre, what about our beautiful children?"

    Pierre replied, "To hell with the children. Woman, I'm leaving you!" He kept paddling across the lake.

    Then Marie hikes up her skirt, points to her crotch and hollers, "But Pierre, what about this?"

    As Pierre slowly turns the canoe around he mumbles, "Someday I'm going to leave that damn woman."
  • Open Your Legs

    There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.

    She does and they continue.

    A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little wider."

    She does, then he says again, "A little wider, hon."

    The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.

    This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"

    So she finally yells, "What are you trying to do; get your balls in too?"

    He says "No, I'm trying to get them out."
  • Cheating Husband

    A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon "quickie."

    "Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk."

    As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"

    "No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."

    After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"