• Confessing To Extramarital Affairs

    There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, "Just a minute, I'll be right back."

    He goes into the confessional and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs."

    The Father says, "You need to say 40 Hail Mary's and I also need to know if the women were members of my parish."

    The confessor replies, "Yes Father, they were."

    The priest says then that in order to receive absolution he, the priest, needed the names of the two women.

    The man said, "Father, I don't kiss and tell, and besides, I must leave them to handle their own confessions."

    The priest responded, "Well, was one of them Mrs. O'Reilly?"

    The man replied, "No Father, and I wouldn't say anyway. I've told you that!"

    The priest says, "Well, was one of them Mrs. Brown?"

    Exasperated the man said, "No Father, and I told you I'm not telling you the names of the women!!!"

    The priest said, "Well then I'm going to expel you from the congregation for 6 months!"

    The man said, "OK, fine," and left.

    As he approached his friend at the bottom of the steps his friend said, "So, how did it go?"

    The confessor said, "Great! 6 months off, and two leads!"
  • Dirty Minds

    Two deeply religious Irish retirees were sitting on a patio playing checkers and sipping fine Irish whiskey. They enjoyed the mid-day sun almost as much as much as watching the local citizens walk by.

    A few minutes go by and a middle-aged women pushes a baby stroller past the patio.

    The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"

    "Aye," says the other as he takes a pull from his whiskey. "Shamus, I surely am. A fine day for a stroll with a wee one."

    "Aye," agrees the first Irishman and they go about their game of checkers.

    A few minutes later, a young couple stroll down the avenue hand in hand, gazing deeply into each others eyes.

    The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"

    "Aye," says the other as he takes another pull from his whiskey. "Shamus, I surely am. A fine day for a stroll with a lover."

    "Aye," agrees the first Irishman and they do about their game of checkers. A few more minutes later, a young lass wearing clothes scarcely covering her shapely curves stops in front of the patio, bends over in front of the Irishmen giving them full exposure to her lovely cleavage, and smells the flowers in a near flower bed and walks on.

    The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"

    "I'm not rightly sure this time, Shamus," says the other as he takes yet another pull from his whiskey. "But if I am, I'll surely be joinin' you in confession this afternoon."
  • What's a Blow Job

    After several years of serving the church in a far away land a priest is requested to report to his new assignment at a church in the South Bonx New York. Upon his arrival he set out immediately to learn the new culture by taking a walk down the street in plain clothes.

    On his way a loose looking woman approaches him and in a lowered voice says, "Hey Buddy... blow job 25 bucks."

    The priest glares at her confused and says, "What's a blow job...??"

    The woman is just as confused and says, "What are you a comedian!" and walks off.

    The priest undaunted walks on to the next block and again another seedy looking woman confronts him and again repeats, "Hey mister blow job 25 bucks."

    The priest quickly replies, "What is this blow job!?"

    The woman looks at him surprised and thinking something's wrong hurries off.

    The priest now very curious returns to the church to ask anyone he can find what exactly this thing he's never heard of is. The first door he sees as he enters the church is that of Mother Superior.

    The priest knocks on the door and Mother Superior invites him in to take a seat.

    The priest looks at Mother Superior and says, "I have a question - What is a blow job?"

    Mother Superior quickly goes to shut the door and upon returning to her seat she replies in a whisper....
    "Same as on the outside.... 25 Bucks.... "
  • The Sin of Lust

    Melvin comes to confession. "Father," he said, forgive me for I have sinned."

    The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"

    "I lusted," Melvin replied.

    "Tell me about it," the priest said.

    Melvin then related his story,. "Father, I'm a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked seductively if I would like to come in."

    "And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.

    "Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.

    "Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."

    "A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" Melvin asked.

    The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate..., you dumb ass."