• Pregnant Footballer

    There was an soccer player anxious to make it into one of the Premier league teams.

    When he found out about the trials being held he held a party with his chums. One of them brought along some Marijuana which they all used.

    The next morning, realizing that he would be asked to provide a urine sample, he knew the marijuana would show up in it. He had a brainstorm!!

    Calling his girlfriend on the phone, he said, "Hey, Patti I need a favour. Can you give me a small jar of urine? I'll need it for the physical tomorrow, and we kinda let things go here."

    Patti agreed, and within an hour, she came over, carrying a small mayo jar of yellow liquid.

    He thanked her, and he proceeded to take the "sample" to the team's physical with him the next day. When the doctor asked him for a sample, he went into the restroom, and poured the urine Patti had given him into the vial.

    All was fine -- he thought!

    Two days later, the Football manager called him, and said, "I'm afraid we have to withdraw the trial offer."

    "Why?" he asked.

    We just cannot," said the team boss, "have a pregnant man on our football team!"
  • The Rules of Bedroom Golf

    1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.

    2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

    3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

    4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

    5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

    6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

    7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

    8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

    9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

    10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

    11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at tall times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

    12. The course owners is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole.13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

    14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

    15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
  • Love Juice!!!

    Little billy was watching TV in his bedroom. He comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's love juice?"

    His father looks at him horrified and tells him all about sex and why a woman's vagina gets wet.

    Billy just sits there with his mouth wide open in amazement.

    His dad asks, "So, what you been watching billy?"

    Billy replies, "Wimbledon!"
  • Tight Brown or The Easy Pink?

    Steve Davis, the world champion snooker player, got married and it was the first night of his honeymoon. His beautiful wife lay spread across the bed wearing only a scanty silken black nightdress.

    Presently Steve came out of the bathroom totally naked with a long stiff erection and walked slowly to the foot of the bed. He didn't utter a sound but simply stood there looking at her and chalking the end of his erect penis.

    This went on for over ten minutes, the only movement being the slow rhythmic chalking of the tip of his penis and the movement of his head from side to side as he stared at her lying on the bed.

    Eventually, moist with excitement and shaking with anticipation she tore off her night dress and slowly spread her legs wide open waiting for him to take her.

    Steve simply raised his eyebrows, cocked his head to the side and continued to slowly stroke the soft chalk across the glistening, throbbing penis as he stared intensely at the pleasures he saw between her outspread legs.

    It was too much for her to stand, writhing in an agony of expectation and frustration she screamed out, "For God's sake what are you waiting for?"

    Steve gently stroked the chalk across his throbbing penis, blew the loose chalk off its end, smiled and looking even more closely between her smooth thighs quietly told her, "I'm trying to decide whether to go for the tight brown or the easy pink."