• Efficiency Expert

    The CEO of a large multinational company fell ill on a day when he had tickets to see a grand concert.

    As a gesture of kindness, he gave the tickets to the company's Efficiency Expert to enjoy the concert with his wife.

    Next morning, the CEO was surprised to find a report on his table, written by their Efficiency Expert and this is what it said:

    Dear Sir,

    Thank you for sending me to the concert last evening with my wife. My observations are as follows:

    The highlight of the evening was Schubert's unfinished symphony. Although personally I think unfinished works should be disqualified, I did watch the performance and here are some, but not all, of the malfunctions I found:

    1. The most obvious problem was that they had 22 violinists playing the exact same tune. Such reckless waste! I believe that at least 21 of them should be fired.

    2. The drummer was doing nothing for long stretches of time. I would suggest he be put on a different clock, so we can keep an eye on him and only pay him when he actually does any work.

    3. Many of the musical segments kept repeating themselves, and I fail to understand the point of having the flutes play the same segment as the oboes. If we can cut down on these repetitions, we can finish the symphony in 20 minutes instead of 2 hours.

    4. Regarding the equipment: I noticed a horrible lack of standardization when it comes to musical instruments, and especially when it comes to string instruments. I've seen small ones, big ones, one you hold under your chin and some you hold between your legs. I think that one size for all these instruments will save time, money and confusion, as well as make maintenance easier.

    5. The conductor, the most senior employee, did not play as much as a single tune the entire concert, and showed a complete lack of respect to the customers, while standing with his back (his back!) to the audience. There were even a few times he was threatening his staff with a stick, which should never be allowed. I would suspend him with no pay until we can get to the bottom of this. Psychological counselling may be advised.

    To summarize: I am quite sure that if Mr. Schubert had avoided these issues, he would have managed to finish his work, instead of leaving us with an unfinished symphony!

    Kind regards,
    Corporate Efficiency Enhance Expert
  • The Perfect Dress

    Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Her parents divorced, but that never stopped her from wanting to get married. Her mother had found the perfect dress to wear. A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother. Jennifer asked her stepmother to exchange it, but she refused.

    "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress and I'm wearing it," she replied.

    Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

    A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

    Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner, the night before the wedding."
  • Kids Answers

    As answered by elementary school students:

    Q: How Do You Decide Who To Marry?
    You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
    Alan, age 10

    No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
    Kirsten, age 10

    Q: What is the Right Age To Get Married?
    Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
    Camille, age 10

    No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
    Freddie, age 6

    Q: How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?
    You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
    Derrick, age 8

    Q: What Do Your Think Your Mom and Dad Have In Common?
    Both don't want any more kids.
    Lori, age 8

    Q: What Do Most People Do On A Date?
    Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
    Lynnette, age 8

    On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
    Martin, age 10

    Q: What Would You Do On A First Date That Was Turning Sour?
    I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
    Craig, age 9

    Q: When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?
    When they're rich.
    Pam, age 7

    The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
    Curt, age 7

    The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them & have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
    Howard, age 8

    Q: Is It Better To Be Single or Married?
    It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

    Anita, age 9

    Q: How Would The World Be Different If People Didn't Get Married?
    There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
    Kelvin, age 8

    Q: How Would You Make a Marriage Work?
    Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.

    Ricky, age 10
  • The Capsized Boat

    At a boat rental concession, the manager went to the lake's edge and yelled through his megaphone, "Number 99, come in, please. Your time is up."

    Several minutes passed, but the boat didn't return.

    "Boat number 99," he again hollered, "return to the dock immediately or I'll have to charge you overtime."

    "Something is wrong here, boss," his assistant said. "We only have 75 boats. There is no number 99."

    The manager thought for a moment and then raised his mega-phone.

    "Boat number 66!" he yelled. "Are you having trouble out there?"
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