• Break the News Doctor!

    Grandma was nearly ninety years of age when she won 1,000,000 pounds on the football pools. Her family were extremely worried about her heart and feared that news of her large win would come as too much of a shock for her.

    "Think we had better call in the doctor to tell her the news," suggested the eldest son.

    The doctor soon arrived and the situation was explained to him. "Now, you don't have to worry about anything," said the doctor. "I am fully trained in such delicate matters and I feel sure I can break this news to her gently. I assure you, there is absolutely no need for you to fear for her health. Everything will be quite safe if left to me."

    The doctor went in to see the old lady and gradually brought the conversation around to football pools.

    "Tell me," said the doctor, "what would you do if you had a large win on the pools - say one million pounds?"

    "Why," replied the old lady, "I'd give half of it to you, of course."

    The doctor fell down dead with shock.
  • How Government Works

    Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

    Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night."

    So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

    Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"

    So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

    Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the work correctly?"

    So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

    Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"

    So they created the following positions: a timekeeper, and a payroll officer, then they hired two people.

    Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

    So they created an administrative section and hired three people: an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

    Then Congress finally said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $780,000 over budget, our funds are low and we must cutback overall cost."

    So they laid off the night watchman.
  • Deadly Talk

    A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife. The psychic went into a trance.

    A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.

    "Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"

    "Yes, my husband."

    "Are you happy?"

    "Yes, my husband."

    "Happier than you were with me?"

    "Yes, my husband."

    "Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"

    "I'm not in Heaven, dear."
  • Expecting Wife!

    Just as Santa was about to fall asleep, his wife shook him and said, "I hear someone breaking in."

    At least two nights a week for twenty years Santa had gone through this. He knew that the only way he would get any rest was to go and check it out. So, he went out for a routine check.

    When Santa entered the den he was suprised to see a thief. The man held a gun on him and continued to rob the house.

    As the theif was about to leave Santa said, "You have to go and meet my wife, Jeeto."

    The thief said, "Why would you want me to meet your wife?"

    Santa replied, "Well, she's been expecting you from 20 years."
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