• Important Dates Reminder

    A guy who had forgotten the dates for a number of his friends' and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on.

    He went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. Finally, he found one where the clerk seemed experienced.

    "Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" the guy asked.

    "Have you tried a wife?" the clerk responded.
  • How To Get Into Heaven

    I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

    I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven"?

    "NO"! the children answered.

    "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

    Again, the answer was, "NO!!!"

    By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!

    "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"

    Again, they all answered, "NO!!!"

    I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven???"

    A six-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE FRICKIN' DEAD!"
  • That's not an Aquarium

    A young couple were on their honeymoon and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool.

    They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased. As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was too large, and the top and bottom kept coming off. As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool's bottom.

    That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel's elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium. Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.

    When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, "That's not an aquarium... that's the swimming pool!"
  • A Fantastic Marriage

    John brought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner. As they arrived at the door, his wife rushed up, threw her arms around John and kissed him passionately.

    "My goodness," said Peter, "and how long have you been married?"

    "22 years," replied John.

    "You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like that after all those years."

    "Don't be fooled! She only does it to make the dog jealous."
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