• Attention Deficit Disorder

    Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

    This is how it manifests:

    I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

    I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

    But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

    I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

    I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

    I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers...

    Now I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

    Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

    At the end of the day:
    -the car isn't washed,
    -the bills aren't paid,
    -there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
    -the flowers don't have enough water,
    -there is still only one check in my check book,
    -I can't find the remote,
    -I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

    Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

    Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, -- your day is coming!
  • Why don't men ever listen?

    A man bought a kitten and tried to teach it to speak. Everyday for six years he taught it the alphabet.

    For hours and hours he'd say to the cat, "Repeat after me..." and then he would say a word, or a sentence.

    He was eagerly waiting the day when the cat would repeat the words. But alas, the only thing the cat did for those six years was looking back at his teacher.

    Then after six years, to his complete amazement, the cat said, "Look out, the roof is falling down!"

    Completely flabbergasted, the man just stared at the cat.

    Seconds later, he was crushed to death by the falling roof.

    The cat shook his head and said, "For six years he tried so hard to get me to speak. Then, when I did, he wouldn't listen!"
  • Crab That Walks Straight

    A crab and a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon, the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who then forbids her to see the crab anymore.

    "It'll never work, honey." he says to her. "Crabs walk sideways and we walk straight."

    "Please," she begs her father. "Just meet him once. I know you'll like him."

    Her father finally relents and agrees to a one-time meeting, and she runs off to share the good news with her crab sweetie.

    The crab is so excited he decides to surprise his beloved's family. He practices and practices until he can finally walk straight!

    On the BIG day, he walks the entire way to the lobster's house as straight as he can.

    Standing on the porch, and seeing the crab walking towards him, the lobster dad yells to his daughter..... "I knew it! Here comes that crab and he's drunk!"
  • All Quacked Up

    An American tourist was visiting a small village in Ireland when there was a sudden gust of wind which blew his hat off into the middle of a nearby pond.

    Walking over to the village idiot, who was sitting beside the pond, the tourist asked, "Say, son, how deep is this pond?"

    "Oh, only a few inches," replied the idiot.

    After taking his shoes off and rolling his trousers up over his knees, the tourist stepped into the pond to retrieve his hat and, within a few seconds, was completely submerged in the water. Swimming out to the middle of the pond he finally reached his hat, and then struggled back to edge.

    Climbing out, he turned to the village idiot and screamed, "Hey you, I thought you said that pond was only a few inches deep!"

    "Well," shrugged the idiot, "the water only comes half way up that duck over there."