It's Christmas time and Bill and Joe decided to go look for a Christmas Tree. They gathered their axe, a sled, and a broom to brush the trees off so they can get a good look at them. When they finally reach a fine stand of trees, Joe brushes off the first tree, and stands back with Bill to look at it.
"Well, Bill, What do you think?"
"Sorry, Joe, this tree won't do. Let's try another one."
They come upon another nice tree, Joe brushes it off, and they both look at it.
"How about this one, Bill?"
"Not quite, Joe. Let's keep looking".
This goes on until nightfall. Both Bill and Joe are cold, tired, and hungry.
"Well, Bill, what do we do now?"
"Joe, I think we should take home the next tree we find, whether it has lights on it or not..."
A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught stuck in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck in there well. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming.
He panicked and started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop drinking!"
Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer!
He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop drinking AND cussing!"
Still nothing..... and the train was just seconds away!
He tried it one more time, "God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit drinking, cussing, smoking and having sex with all the women I meet."
Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way, just as the train passed!
He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said, "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."
But Fred died recently. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend, Jody, and says, "Well, I'm sure Fred would be pleased."
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it?" said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"Really?" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody says, "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My goodness, how big is it ?!"
"Two and a half carats."
Pappu: Daadi neend nahi aa rahi, hum baate karein.
Daadi: Theek hai.
Pappu: Daadi kya hum hamesha 5 hi rahenge? Aap, mom, dad, main aur choti behen.
Daadi: Nahin beta aapki shaadi ho jayegi toh 6 ho jayenge.
Pappu: Phir behen chali jayegi shaadi karke toh phir 5 ho jayenge.
Daadi: Beta phir aapka beta ho jayega toh 6 ho jayenge.
Pappur: Phir aap mar jaaogi toh hum wapas se 5 ho jayenge.
Daadi: Kutte... Soja chup chap... jab dekho bakbak kata rehta hai, pata nahin kahan se seekhta rehta hai ulti-seedhi baatein, nalayak kahin ka....