• Too Honest!

    This is an actual Job Application submitted to a McDonald's in Florida.

    NAME: Jeremy Skitt

    SEX: Not yet but I'm waiting for the right person.

    DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

    DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

    EDUCATION: Yes.

    LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

    SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

    MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

    REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

    HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

    PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

    DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

    MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

    HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A FELONY?: Is "felony" sex with a cat? Because if it is... no.

    DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

    DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "do you have a car that runs?"

    HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

    DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

    WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

    DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

    SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

    And they hired him for his honesty!
  • Personal Calls at Work

    Ek Baar Ghar Ke Phone Ka Bill Bahut Jyada Aa Jaata Hai. Ghar Ke Sabhi Members Hairaan-Pareshaan Ho Jaate Hain Aur Discuss Karte Hain Ki Aakhir Itna Bill Kaise Aa Sakta Hai... Kaun Hai Jo Sabse Jyada Calls Karta Hai Ghar Ke Phone Se.

    Father: Ye Toh Hadd Ho Gayi. Itna Jyada Bill... Main Toh Ghar Ka Phone Almost Nahin Ke Barabar Use Karta Hun... Saari Baatein, Apne Main-Main Aur Lambi Calls Office Ke Phone Se Karta Hoon.

    Mother: Main Bhi Jyadatar Office Ka Phone Use Karti Hoon. Apni Friends Ke Saath Itni Saari Baatein Agar Ghar Ke Phon Se Karungi Toh Kaise Chalegaa.

    Beta: Dad, Apko Toh Pata He Hai Ki Main Subah Saat Baje Ghar Se Office Ke Lie Nikal Jaata Hoon. Jo Baat Karni Hoti Hai Vo Office Ke Ke Phone Se Karta Hoon.

    Beti: Meri Company Ne Toh Mere Desk Par He Phone Diya Hua Hai... Main Bhi Apni Sab Calls Us Phone Se He Karti Hoon.

    Ab Gharwale Ye Sochkar Pareshaan The Ki Jab Ghar Ke Saare Members Office Ka Phone Use Karte Hain Toh Phir Ye Ghar Ke Phone Ka Bill Itna Aaya Kaise?

    Ghar Ki Naukarani Chupchaap Khadi Sun Rahi Thee. Gharwale Uski Taraf Shak Ki Nazron Se Dekhne Lage Toh.... Naukarani Boli: Toh Kya Memsaab... Aap Sab Bhi To Jahan Par Kaam Karte Ho Vahin Ka Phone Use Karte Ho... Hai Ki Nahin... ? Maine Bhi Vahi Kiya... Toh Ismein Aise Dekhne Ki Zaroorat Kya?
  • Copyright Explained

    When you write copy, you own the right of copyright to the copy you write, if the copy is right. If, however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services, you write rite, and own the right of copyright to the rite you write.

    Conservatives write Right copy, and own the right of copyright, to the Right copy they write. A right-wing cleric would write Right rite, and owns the right of copyright to the Right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the Right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.

    Should Reverend Jim Wright decide to write Right rite, then Wright would write Right rite, to which Wright has the right of copyright. Duplicating his rite would be to copy Wright's Right rite, and violate copyright, to which Wright would have the right to right.

    Right?
  • His and Her Diary

    Wife's Diary:
    Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

    I asked him what was wrong; He said, "nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

    On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
    When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

    Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
    My life is a disaster.

    Husband's Diary, same day:
    A two-foot putt... Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?
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