• You're The Shit

    The small town sheriff pulled over a Porsche doing 75 miles per hour in a 35 zone. Its wealthy yuppie driver was steaming.

    When he finally appeared before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you're going to give me a fine. This place must be the a$$hole of the world!"

    The magistrate softly replied, "Mebbe so, but you're what's passing through it!"
  • Perfectly Stitched

    A man brings some very fine material to a tailor and asks him to make a pair of pants. When he comes back a week later, the pants are not ready. Two weeks later, they still are not ready.

    Finally after 6 weeks, the pants are ready. The man tries them on. They fit perfectly. Nonetheless, when it comes to pay, he cannot resist a jibe at the tailor.

    "You know," he says "It took God only six days to make the world. And it took you six weeks to make just one pair of pants."

    "Ahhh...," says the tailor, "But look at this pair of pants, and then look at the world.
  • An Intelligent Blonde

    A blonde stopped at a gas station, got out of the car, opened the hood, and checked the engine oil. After a few seconds of what appeared to be intelligent thinking she took the dipstick in her hand and walked over to the attendant.

    "Excuse me," she said, "but can I buy a longer dipstick?"

    "Sure, ma'am, of course. Why do you need a longer one?"

    "Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil."
  • Heaven Can Wait

    They had been married for sixty years. They were far from rich, but in very good health, due largely to her insistence that they both eat healthy foods and exercise every day. But their good health didn't help them when their plane crashed.

    At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter led them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen, and a waterfall in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment.

    "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home for eternity."

    The man asked, "How much will this cost?"

    "Why, nothing," St. Peter replied. "This is your heavenly reward. And see that championship golf course out your back window? It's included, too; you can play as much as you want, for free."

    He also showed them the clubhouse, the pool, the lavish meals of every cuisine imaginable. "This is Heaven. Everything is free for you to enjoy." The old man glanced nervously at his wife and then asked, "But where are the low fat, low cholesterol foods, the decaffeinated tea, the..."

    St. Peter interrupted. "That's the best part," he said. "You can eat and drink as much as you like, of anything you like, and you'll never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

    "No gym to work out at?"

    "Only if you want to."

    "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."

    "Never again. Here you just enjoy yourself."

    The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your damned bran muffins! We could have been here twenty years ago!"