• Emergency Landing

    A young blonde pilot is beginning flying lessons and is in a two-seater airplane with just the instructor pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. The frantic young blonde pilot calls out a May Day.

    "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My instructor pilot had a heart attack and is dead, and I don't know how to fly. I'm just learning to be a pilot. Help me! Please help me!"

    She hears a voice over the radio saying, "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Is the plane flying level? Is the instructor pilot strapped in his seat? Just give me your height and position."

    She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

    (After a long pause)

    "O.K." says the voice on the radio... Now, repeat after me: 'Our Father Who art in Heaven'..."
  • The Future Show

    Nawaz Sharif, just finished a speech at the UN, walks out into the lobby where he meets President Obama.

    They shake hands and walk together in the long corridor when suddenly Sharif says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

    President Obama says, "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will."

    Sharif whispers, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, Blacks, Chinese, Japanese and even Indians, but never any Pakistanis. So my son is very upset. He doesn't understand, nor do I, why there aren't any Pakistanis in the show."

    President Obama laughs, leans toward Sharif, and whispers in his ear, "That's because the show is all about the future!!!"
  • Make Me An Uncle!

    Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby.

    "Stop! You can't do this!" exclaims the brother.

    "And why not?" asks Stan.

    "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?"

    Stan says nothing.

    The brother grows impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle."

    Stan can't take it anymore.

    He gives his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asks his brother, "You're sure you want a nephew?"

    "Yes," the brother replies. "It would be an honor."

    "Well, congratulations, you're holding him."
  • Good & Bad News

    An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

    Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.

    Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.

    Patient: OH NO! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???

    Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.
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