• Cuss Words

    A preacher was making a wooden trellis to support a climbing vine. As he was pounding away, he noticed that a little boy was watching him.

    The youngster did not say a word, so the preacher kept working. He was sure the lad would soon leave but he didn't.

    Pleased at the thought that his work was being admired, the preacher finally said, "Well, son, trying to pick up some pointers on carpentry work?"

    "Nope. I'm just waiting to hear what a preacher says when he hits his thumb with a hammer."
  • Hot Bath!

    Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he'd become comfortable, the front doorbell rang.

    large towel, wrapped his head in a smaller towel, and went to the door. A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any magazines. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

    The doorbell rang again.

    On went the slippers and towels, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell, and hit his back against the hard porcelain of the tub.

    Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

    After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"
  • What's Tournament?

    Jaisa Ki Aap Jante Hain Ki Apna Banta English Sikh Raha Tha Aur Santa Ki Help Leta Rahta Tha.

    Ek Din Usne Santa Se Puchha: Santa Tournament Ka Kya Matlab Hota Hai?

    Santa: Tournament... Yeh Jo Ladkiyaan Kaan Mein Jhumke Pahanti Hai, Use Tournament Kahte Hai.

    Sath Mein Khadey Unke Friend Ghanta Ne Ye Suna Aur Gusse Se Bole: Abey Santa... Bewakoof... Duffer Kahin Ke... Usko Ornaments Kahte Hai.

    Santa: O Yaar Ghanta, Ek Kaan Me Pehno Toh Ornament Aur Agar Dono Kaan Mein Pehno Toh Two Ornament Matlab Tournament...

    Banta Aur Ghanta Taliyaan Baja Ke Bole: Waah Yaar Santa... Tu Vaakiye Mein English Ka Master Hai.
  • What Women Want in a Man

    What women want in a man at age 22:
    1. Handsome
    2. Charming
    3. Financially successful
    4. A caring listener
    5. Witty
    6. In good shape
    7. Dresses with style
    8. Appreciates finer things
    9. Full of thoughtful surprises
    10. An imaginative, romantic lover

    What women want in a man at age 32:
    1. Nice looking (preferably with hair)
    2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
    3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
    4. Listens more than talks
    5. Laughs at my jokes
    6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
    7. Owns at least one tie
    8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
    9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
    10. Seeks romance at least once a week

    What women want in a man at age 42:
    1. Not too ugly (bald head is fine)
    2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
    3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
    4. Nods head when I'm talking
    5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
    6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
    7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
    8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
    9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
    10. Shaves most weekends

    What women want in a man at age 52:
    1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
    2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
    3. Doesn't borrow money too often
    4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
    5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
    6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
    7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
    8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
    9. Remembers your name on occasion
    10. Shaves some weekends

    What women want in a man at age 62:
    1. Doesn't scare small children
    2. Remembers where bathroom is
    3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
    4. Only snores lightly when asleep
    5. Remembers why he's laughing
    6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
    7. Usually wears some clothes
    8. Likes soft foods
    9. Remembers where he left his teeth
    10. Remembers that it's the weekend

    What women want in a man at age 72:
    1. Breathing
    2. Doesn't miss the toilet
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