• Castaway!

    A young fellow became marooned on a deserted South Pacific island after his cruise ship sank. For several years, he managed to live on fruits and vegetables he found on the island, together with shellfish and an occasional fish he was able to catch.

    Then, one day as he was sitting on the beach, he saw an object approaching the island. As it got closer, he could see that it was a woman astride a barrel. When she finally managed to paddle the barrel ashore, he ran over to greet her, and noticed that she was a beautiful girl.

    "Wow," he exclaimed, "I'm sure glad to see you!"

    Noticing that his clothes were gone and he had quite a beard, she asked, "My goodness, how long have you been here by yourself?"

    "Almost four years, I think" he replied.

    She said "Well, I'm going to give you something you haven't had in a long time, and I'm sure you have missed."

    "Well, hot damn!" he exclaimed, "Have you got beer in that barrel?"
  • Phenomenol 2 Letter Word

    I'm sure you will enjoy this. One word in the English language that could be a noun, verb, adj, adv, prep is UP. Read until the end... you'll laugh.

    This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
    It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

    At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election (if there is a tie, it is a toss UP) and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

    At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

    To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

    And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP.

    We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

    To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

    If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with (UP to) a hundred or more.

    When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now...... my time is UP!

    So, did this whole thing, crack you UP?

    Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book... or not... it's UP to you.

    Now I'll shut UP!
  • First-time Flyer

    Mallu boarding a plane.
    Air hostess is smiling.
    Mallu: Tatti Vandi!
    Air hostess (shocked): What???
    Mallu: Tatti Vandi!!!
    Air hostess calls steward.

    Mallu: Tatti Vandi!!!
    Steward: What????

    Mallu thrusts his boarding pass below the steward's nose.

    Steward looks at it and bursts out laughing. Composes himself, and says: Sir, seat 31 D is in the center. This way please!
  • A Job Application

    This is allegedly an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q (Block & Quayle) in Tunbridge Wells.

    NAME
    Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

    SEX
    Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate).

    DESIRED POSITION:
    Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

    DESIRED SALARY
    Pound 150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

    EDUCATION
    Yes.

    LAST POSITION HELD
    Target for middle management hostility.

    PREVIOUS SALARY
    A lot less than I'm worth.

    MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT
    My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

    REASON FOR LEAVING
    It was a crap job.

    HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK
    Any.

    PREFERRED HOURS
    1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

    DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
    Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

    MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
    If I had one, would I be here?

    DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs?
    Of what?

    DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
    I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

    HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
    I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

    DO YOU SMOKE?
    On the job - NO!
    On my breaks - YES!

    WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
    Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

    NEAREST RELATIVE
    7 miles

    DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
    Oh yes, absolutely.

    They hired him because he was so funny.....
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