• Just a Fart!!!

    Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.

    One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.

    Then I realized that 3-year-old Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No."

    I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."

    Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"

    "No," he replied.

    I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"

    This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

    While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
  • Sunday Edition!

    "WHERE is my SUNDAY paper???" The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

    "Madam," said the newspaper employee, "Today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY."

    There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter...

    "Well, shit, that explains why no one was at church either."
  • Can't Outsmart a Rancher

    A wise old Texas rancher went to town to trade for a pickup truck he saw advertised in the paper for an unbelievably low price. After showing the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork.

    The salesman handed the rancher the keys and the bill, to which the Texas rancher angrily declared, "This ain't the price I saw!"

    The salesman went on to tell the wise old Texas rancher how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires, etc. and that made the final price higher.

    The Texas rancher wanted only that truck and no other, so he begrudgingly paid the price and drove it home. A few months later, the salesman called the Texas rancher.

    "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any good cows for sale"?

    "Yep, I've a few good cows priced to sell at $500 each. Come on out and take your pick."

    The salesman said he and his son would be right out.

    After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the rancher's cows, they decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write a check for $500.

    "Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're gettin' extras and you have to pay for those, too!"

    "What extras"? asked the salesman.

    "I think you'll find all you're gettin' listed here!"

    Basic Cow: $500.00
    Two Tone Exterior: $45.00
    Extra Stomach: $75.00
    Product Storing Equipment: $60.00
    Straw Compartment: $120.00
    Four Spigots at $10 each: $40.00
    Leather Upholstery: $125.00
    Dual Horns: $45.00
    Automatic Fly Swatter: $38.00
    Fertilizer Attachment: $185.00

    Grand Total: $1,233.00
  • Understanding Engineers

    Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.

    A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

    "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

    The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

    One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"