There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn't move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying.
The truck driver turned and said, "Come on Man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
"No, it's not that." the man replied, "Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with my best friend."
The man was really sobbing now, "I left home depressed and come to this bar. And now, just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison!"
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"
The guy answers, "A scotch, please."
The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars."
The guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender says, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"
The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store.
One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and said, "Oh Jack, give me pint of the brandy."
"Sister Mary Katherine,' exclaimed Jack, 'I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"
"Oh jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."
So, Jack sold her the brandy. Latter that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.
A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"
Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied, "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to shit!"
A gentleman was much surprised when the good-looking young lady greeted him by saying, "Good evening."
He could not remember ever having seen her before.
She evidently realized that she had made a mistake, for she apologized and explained: "Oh, I 'm so sorry. When I first saw you I thought you were the father of two of my children."
She walked on while the man stared after her. She did not realize, of course, that he was unaware of the fact that she was a school teacher.