• Behold, I come quickly

    The new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous, and about ten minutes into the sermon his mind went blank.

    After a brief second of complete panic, he remembered what they had taught him in seminary about situations like this: repeat the last point. His teacher assured him this would help him remember what was supposed to come next. So he gave it a try.

    "Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank.

    He tried again. "Behold, I come quickly." Still nothing.

    He tried one more time -- speaking and gesturing with such force that he fell forward, knocking the pulpit to one side, tripping over the flower pot, and falling into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.

    The young preacher apologised profusely.

    "That's all right, young man," said the little old lady. "It was my fault. I should have gotten out of the way. You told me three times you were coming!"
  • Diary of a Young Wife

    Monday:
    Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home.
    It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately."
    Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.

    Tuesday:
    We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without dressing."
    So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.

    Wednesday:
    I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, `Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice."
    So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kind of silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.

    Thursday:
    Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, and then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving."
    I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work; I'll try to be supportive.

    Friday:
    Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it."
    Beat it I did, to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again; it looked the same as when I left it.

    Saturday:
    Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and its little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work, or he wanted the chicken to dance.
    When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out, "Why me? Why me?"
  • Never Ask a Lady Her Age

    Operation Ke Liye Behoshi Ka injection Lagane Se Pehle Doctor Ne Aurat Se Pucha: Aapki Age Kitni Hai?

    Lady Patient: 28 Saal.

    Doctor Ne Kaha: Aapko Pakka Yakeen Hai Na Ki Aapki Itni Hi Age Hai Kyunki Mujhe AApki Age Ke Hisaab Se Behoshi Ki Dawa Ki Matra Nirdharit Karni Hai.

    Lady Patient: 30 Saal.

    Doctor Ne Phir Lady Se Pucha: Aap Dekh Lijiye, Dawai Ki Kam Ya Jyada Quantity Se Patient Ya Operation Ke Beech Mein Hi Hosh Mein Aa Jata Hai Ya Phir Coma Mein Chala Jata Hai.

    Lady Patient: 28 Saal.

    Doctor Ne Phir Kaha: Dekhiye Shrimati Ji, Baat Is Tarah Hai Ki Agar Aap Apni Age Galat Batayengi Toh Dawai Ki Galat Matra Ka Asar Seedhe-Seedhe Dimaag Pe Padta Hai Aur Vo Damage Bhi Ho Sakti Hai.

    Lady Patient Cheekhte Hue Gusse Se Boli: 49 Saal, Aur Ab Bhale Hi Operation Theatre Se Meri Laash Hi Kyun Na Nikle, Main Apni Age Is Se Jyada Nahin Badhaungi.
  • If My Body Were A Car

    If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.

    I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull but that's not the worst of it.

    My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

    My traction is not as graceful as it once was.I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

    My spare tyres are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

    But here's the worst of it...

    Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter..... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.
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