|It's a quiet night at a remote roadhouse hotel when a semi-trailer pulls in and the truckie stomps into the bar and demands a whiskey. He slams it down and immediately asks for another, which he also drains in one go. When he asks for a third the barman asks him what's got him so upset.|
The truckie swears and explains he's hit a pig on the highway and he's stuck in his bull-bar, and still alive!
"Every time I get near the damn pig screams and tries to go for me, I can't get him out," he says.
"Ahhh," says the barman, "No problems cobber, I've got your answer right here," and produces a .303 from under the bar. "Put one of those between his eyes and he'll drop right out," he explains.
The truckie grabs the rifle and goes outside and a shot is heard. Back comes the truckie and demands yet another whiskey, and another after that.
"What's the problem," asks the barman, "didn't it work?"
"Oh, it worked just fine," replies the truckie, "the pig's out no worries... Now I can't get his bloody motorcycle out!"
|A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue.|
Doctor: What happened?
Woman: Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me up.
Doctor: I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor.
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: Doctor that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!
Doctor: You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?
|To my darling husband,|
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pickup truck when I turned into the driveway.
Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but the pickup fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your Ferrari.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me.
You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture for you.I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife
P.S. Your Girlfriend called.
|The new librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time.|
Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so.
The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out.
The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.
Before the librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other librarian we had could write."