• Mind Your Own Business

    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

    Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

    "Careful... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

    "Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them!

    "Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

    The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

    The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!!!"
  • Dating a Hairy Woman?

    Two Italian friends are talking to each other one evening.

    Roberto says, "Tell me Geno, in all honesty, what do you think of a woman with a growth of black hair under her nose?"

    Geno replies, "Hell no, I would never be turned on by a woman like that."

    Roberto says, "OK, so tell me, what about a woman with big black hairs growing under her arms?"

    Geno says, "For Pete's sake what are you talking about? I couldn't even have anything to do with a woman like that."

    Roberto says, "OK but let me ask you another question. What about a woman with long black hairs growing on her legs, never shaves her legs?"

    Geno replies, "Come on man give me a break, I would never get into bed with a woman like that."

    Roberto says, "OK so answer me one last question, if all you say is true, why the hell are you seeing my wife?!!!"
  • Drum Problem

    There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.

    One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.

    A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.

    Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what's inside the drum?"
  • The Toughest Test

    "I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends.

    "First I got Angina Pectoris, then Arteriosclerosis.

    "Just as I was recovering, I got Psoriasis.

    "They gave me Hypodermics, and to top it all, Tonsillitis was followed by Appendectomy."

    "Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends.

    "I don't know," the boy replied.

    "Toughest spelling test I ever had."