• Nothing Negative Please

    Now a days teachers are not allowed to say or write anything negative... A few interesting letters from teachers to get around this.......

    Dear Parent,
    We are delighted to inform you that your child displays remarkable initiative. Not for him the simple-minded obedience to teachers. We refer to his admirable refusal to do homework. We have, however, humbly requested him to stoop to our level and condescend to do his homework. Your support is appreciated.

    Yours anxiously,

    Dear Parent,
    Your child's distaste for mundane subjects such as mathematics shows an imaginative mind. Why, he wonders, does the square of the hypotenuse have to be equal to the square of the other two sides in a right-angled triangle? It is no wonder that he has scored a splendid zero in his math exam. Unfortunately, even brilliant students have to pass exams. Could you gently break that news to him?

    Yours entreatingly,

    Dear Parent,
    We are pleased your child has one of the same qualities that Henry Ford, the founder of the Ford Motor Company, possessed. Like him, your son believes that history is bunk. But it may be best to disabuse him of the notion that the Mughal emperors were Amar, Akbar and Anthony.

    Yours beseechingly,

    Dear Parent,
    Your child submitted a blank paper for last week's science test, influenced perhaps by Albert Camus who said 'Whether the earth or the sun revolves around the other is a matter of profound indifference'. Your son shares that profound indifference, undoubtedly for philosophical reasons. But could you inform him that in order to study philosophy, he has to pass class eight first?

    Yours plaintively,

    Dear Parent,
    Your son has obviously read Friedrich Nietzsche's Beyond Good and Evil, which is why he was copying from the boy next to him during yesterday's test. Like Nietzsche, he believes that Supermen like him have little use for conventional notions of morality. The teacher who caught him copying is a conventional type who gave him a zero.

    Yours desperately,

    Dear Parent,
    We are impressed by your child's knowledge of martial arts. In the past month, he has broken two legs, four arms and three noses. He also shows prudence while fighting, taking care to pick on weaker boys. For some reason, however, the fathers of the boys who were beaten up are planning to go to your home with hockey sticks.

    Yours wretchedly,
  • New Low Cost Airline Rules

    Attendant: Welcome aboard A la Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?

    Passenger: Sure.

    Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!

    Passenger: What for?

    Attendant: For telling you where to sit.

    Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.

    Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.

    Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.

    Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?

    Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.

    Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?

    Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.

    Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.

    Passenger: What?

    Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.

    Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.

    Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.

    Passenger: No way!

    Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.

    Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?

    Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.

    Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.

    Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?

    Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?

    Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.

    Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?

    Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.

    Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?

    Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!

    Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.

    Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents.

    Passenger: Crying out loud.... All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?

    Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.
  • Buying a New BMW

    A retired older couple return to a BMW dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful blonde in a mini skirt and halter top.

    The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply. "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price," said the older man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there.
    And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."

    The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.

    "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

    Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man... "There you go," she said. "I told you I could get him to lower the price..... ee you later, Dad."
  • Back to School Science

    The following are actual submissions on a series of quizzes, tests, and essays.

    "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."

    "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

    "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."

    "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."

    "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

    "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

    "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

    "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

    "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

    "Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

    "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

    "A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

    "The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

    "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

    "The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."

    "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."