Farmer Brown, from Minnesota, had a bull that he was quite proud of. One day he looked at the bull and noticed his eyes were crossed. That was disconcerting, because he knew he couldn't get huge stud fees for a defective bull. He called the local vet who came right over. The vet assured him he could solve the problem.
"Farmer Brown, you stand in front of the bull and watch his eyes. I will insert this straw into the bull's rectum and blow. When the eyes uncross, yell stop."
The vet did just that, and sure enough after a few minutes of blowing, the eyes uncrossed. Farmer Brown was thrilled. Several months pass and again he sees the eyes cross.
He says to himself, "I better call the vet. No, wait a minute. Last time I called the vet, he charged me $250.00 for something that only took a few moments. I will do it myself."
He went to the barn and called his trusty farm hand, Luke.
"Luke, we have a problem here and this is what I want you to do. I will put this straw in the rear of my bull and blow. You watch his eyes, and when they uncross, tell me and I will stop blowing."
Farmer Brown started blowing and blowing and nothing happened.
Finally, he said, "You know, maybe I am not strong enough, Luke. Lets trade positions and you blow and I will watch."
Luke went over to the bull, pulled out the straw, turned it around and reinserted it.
"What the hell are you doing, Luke?" says Farmer Brown.
"What do you think? I ain't blowing on the same end that you did!"
Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff. But then the teacher realised that only Little Johnny was left. "Johnny, do you have a story to share ?"
"Yes madam... My daddy told me a story about my Mom. She was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story???" "Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk......!!!!"
One day Paddy, an Irishman, goes into a pharmacy, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the pharmacist and says, "Could you taste this for me, please?"
The pharmacist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the pharmacist.
"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy.
"The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
Bank mein customer ne cheque dete hue poochha: Madam yeh kitne dino mein clear ho jaayega.
Madam: Kam se kam do-teen din lagenge.
Customer: Lekin madam itna time kyon lagega? Jis bank ka cheque maine diya hai woh to saamne waali duilding mein hi hai.
Madam (Bade hi shaant swar mein): Sir main aapko kaise samjhun, procedure to follow karna hi padta hai na. Maan leejiye ki aap shamshaan ke saamne hi mar jaate hain to ghar waale aapki laash ko ghar le jaayenge ya wahin saamne nipta denge. Boliye?