• Beer Shampoo

    Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

    The second nun answered, "Indeed it would, Sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand."

    "I can handle that without a problem", the first nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out. The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.

    "We use beer for washing our hair" the first nun said, "back at The Nunnery, we call it Catholic Shampoo."

    Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.

    He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said, "The curlers are on the house."
  • The Roasting Pan

    One day a little girl was watching her mom make a roast beef. She cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned it and set it in the roasting pan.

    The little girl asked her mom why she cut off the ends of the roast. Mom replied, after some thought, that it was the way that her mother had done it.

    That night grandma came to dinner and the little girl and her mom went to her and asked why she had cut the end off of the roast before cooking. After some thought grandma replied, that was the way her mother had done it.

    Now great grandmother was quite old and in a nursing home. But the little girl went with her mom and grandma to see her and again asked the question.

    Grandma looked at them a bit annoyed and said, "So it would fit in the pan, of course."
  • Goodbye Mother-in-law

    A couple was going out for the evening to celebrate their anniversary. The taxi arrived, and, just as they started out the door, their dog shot back into the house. They didn't want the dog shut inside all night, so the wife went out to the taxi while the husband took care of the dog.

    The wife, not wanting it known that their home would be empty all evening, explained to the driver, "My husband will be here in a moment. He's just saying good-bye to my mother."

    When the breathless husband finally climbed into the cab, he said, "Sorry I took so long, but I had to poke that stupid bitch with a coat hanger to get her to come out from under the bed! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the backyard!"

    The silence in the cab was deafening.
  • Replacing Joe

    Joe, the Governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The Governor had depended on Joe for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Joe had been his closest friend.

    So, it was understandable that the Governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Joe's job.

    "They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried," the Governor muttered.

    At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's side.

    "Governor," the man said, "is there a chance that I could take Joe's place?"

    "Certainly," the governor replied. "But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished."