• Women Drivers!!!

    Driving into the city this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new red Mustang doing 75 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on eyeliner.

    I looked away for a couple seconds shaking my head in disbelief and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on her darn makeup!

    Well, it scared me so bad that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the doughnut right out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car out using my knees against the steering wheel, I knocked my cell phone away from my other ear, which fell into the coffee mug between my legs and making me scream in pain and DISCONNECTING A VERY IMPORTANT CALL!!!

  • Once and Only Once

    A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.

    "No, thanks," says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once, but I didn't like it."

    The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for a round of drinks.

    "No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "You know, I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it.

    Then the salesman glances out the office window and sees a golf course.

    "I suppose you play golf," says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club."

    "That's kind of you, but no, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it."

    Just then a young man enters the office.

    "Let me introduce my son, Mike," says the plant manager.

    "Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?"
  • The Gossipers

    A lot of ladies used to sit together every evening in a park and talk non stop. One day they were sitting very very quietly.

    A gentleman who would walk past the noisy group every day was surprised to see them all so quiet.

    He inquired about this to which they replied, "You see, today we are ALL present, so we don't know who to gossip about."
  • Beautiful or Cute???

    There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

    His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.

    His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"

    Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful' it was 'cute.'

    She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

    His reply was, "The drugs are wearing off!"