• How to Annoy a Bong...

    A is for Apish (Office). This is where the average Kolkatan goes and spends a day hard(ly) at work. If he is in the Government he will arrive at 10, wipe his forehead till 11, have a tea break at 12, throw around a few files at 12.30, break for lunch at 1, smoke an unfiltered cigarette at 2, break for tea at 3, sleep sitting down at 4 and go home at 5. It's a hard life!

    B is for Bhijon. (As in teli-bhijon) For some reason most of the Bengalis don't have good bhijon. In fact in Kolkata most people are wearing spectacles all the time. The effects of this show in the city.

    C is for Chappell. This is the Bengali word for the Devil, for the worst form of evil. In the night mothers put their kids to sleep saying 'go to bed, or Chappell will come and take you away.'

    D is for Debashish. By an ancient law every fourth Bengali Child has to be named Debashish. So you have a Debashish everywhere and trying to get creative they are also called Deb, Debu, Deba with variations like Debnath and Deboprotim thrown in.

    E is for Eeesh. This is a very common Bengali exclamation made famous by Aishwarya Rai in the movie Devdas. It is estimated that on an average a Bengali uses eeesh 10,089 times every year. (That's counting eeesh and other eeesh-ish words).

    F is for Feesh. These are creatures that swim in rivers and seas and are a favourite food of the Bengalis. Despite the fact that a fish market has such strong smells, with one sniff a Bengali knows if a fish is all right. If not, he will say 'eeesh, what feeesh is theeesh!'

    G is for Good name. Every Bengali Boy will have a good name like Debashish or Deboprotim and a pet name like Shontuda, Chonti, and Dinku. While every Bengali Girl will be Paromita or Protima as well as Shampa, Champa and Buri. Basically your nickname is there to kill your good name.

    H is for Harmonium. The Bengali equivalent of a rock guitar. Take four Bengalis and a Harmonium and you have the successors to The Bheatles!

    I is for lleesh. This is a feeesh with 10,000 bones which would kill any ordinary person, but which the Bengalis eat with releeesh!

    J is for Jhola. No self respecting Bengali is complete without his Jhola. It is a shapeless cloth bag where he keeps all his belongings and he fits an amazing number of things in. Even as you read this there are 2 million jholas bobbling around Kolkata- and they all look exactly the same!

    K is for Kee Kando. It used to be the favourite Bengali exclamation till eeesh took over because of Aishwarya Rai (now Kee Kando's agent is trying to hire Bipasha Basu).

    L is for Lungi. People in Kolkata manage to play football and cricket wearing it. Now there is talk of a lungi expedition to Mt. Everest.

    M is for Minibus. These are dangerous half buses whose antics would effortlessly frighten the living daylights out of Formula 1 race drivers.

    N is for Nangtoe. This is the Bengali word for Naked. It is the most interesting naked word in any language!

    O is for Oil. The Bengalis believe that a touch of mustard oil will cure anything from cold (oil in the nose), to earache (oil in the ear), to cough (oil on the throat) to piles (oil you know where!)

    P is for Phootball. This is always a phavourite phassion of the Kolkattan. Every Bengali is born an expert in this game. The two biggest clubs there are Mohunbagan and East Bengal and when they play the city comes to a stop.

    Q is for Queen. This really has nothing to do with the Bengalis or Kolkata, but it's the only Q word I could think of at this moment. There's also Quilt but they never use them in Kolkata.

    R is for Robi Thakur. Many years ago Rabindranath got the Nobel Prize. This allows everyone in Kolkata to frame their acceptance speeches and walk with their head held high and look down at Delhi and Mumbai!

    S is for Sardarjee whom Bengalis are very envious of because he is born with a semi-monkey cap on.

    T is for Trams. Hundred years later there are still trams in Kolkata. Of course if you are in a hurry it's faster to walk.

    U is for Ambrela. When a Bengali baby is born they are handed one.

    V is for Violence. Bengalis are the most non-violent violent people around. When an accident happens they will shout and scream and curse and abuse, but the last time someone actually hit someone was in 1979.

    W is for Water. For three months of the year the city is under water and every year for the last 200 years the authorities are taken by surprise by this!

    X is for X mas. It's very big in Kolkata, with Park Street fully lit up.

    Y is for Yastarday. Which is always better than today for a Bengali.

    Z is for Jeebra, Joo, Jip and Jylophone.
  • Girlfriend Hone Ke Phaayde

    Hamare Purush Users Ne Hhumse Poochha Hai Ki Jeevan Mein Premika Ke Hone Ke Kya Phaayde Hain. Atah Aaj Hum Batayenge Ki Jeeven Mein Girlfriend Hone Ke Kya-Kya Faayde Hain.

    1. Doston Mein Aapki Izzat Bad Jaati Hai
    Ye Jeevan Ka Ek Kadva Sach Hai Bhakton. Aajkal Usi Ladke Ki Har Koi Izzat Karta Hai Jiski Girlfriend Hoti Hai. Bina Girlfriend Waalo Ko Koi Nahi Poochhta Hai.

    2. Aap Apne Dil Ka Dard Usse Share Kar Sakte Hain:
    Apne Dil Ka Dard Karne Ke Liye Aapke Paas Ek Sachha Saathi Hota Hai. (Kintu Sachhai Toh Yah Hai Ki Jiske Pass Girlfriend Hoti Hai Uska Hi Dimaag Hamesha Kharaab Rehta Hai).

    3. Aapki Har Baat Maanne Waala Koi Aapke Paas Hota Hai:
    Girlfrind Banane Se Aapke Paas Ek Aisa Insaan Ho Jaata Hai Jo Aapki Har Baat Maanta Hai. (Kintu Bada Waala Sach Toh Yah Hai Ki Hota Iska Ulta Hai, Aur Hamesha Ladke Hi Joru Ke Ghulaam Bane Rehte Hain).

    4. Aapke Bigadne Ka Khatra Nahi Rahta:
    Ladko Ke Ghar Waale Hamesha Chintit Rehte Hain Ki Kahin Unka Ladka Bigad Naa Jaaye, Kintu Sach Ye Hai Ki Ek Baar Ladke Ki Girlfriend Ban Jaaye Ton Phir Bigadne Ke Liye Aur Kuch Nahi Rehta.

    5. Facebook Mein Aapke Post Danadan Like Hote Hain:
    Jee Haan, Yadi Aapke Paas Girlfriend Ho Toh Aap Facebook Mein Jo Kuch Bhi Daalenge Wo Like Zaroor Kiya Jaata Hai. Sabse Pehle Aapki Girlfriend Use Like Aur Comment Karegi, Uske Baad Ladki Ka Comment Dekhkar Aapke Sabhi Dost Bhi Usmein Comment Karne Ko Betaab Hue Jaayenge.
  • Time for Some Mallu Jokes

    1) What is the tax on a Mallu's income called?
    IngumDax.

    2) Where did the Malayali study?
    In the ko-liage.

    3) Why did the Malayali not go to ko-liage today?
    He is very bissi.

    4) Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket?
    To go to Thuubai, zimbly to meet his ungle in Gelff.

    5) Why do Malayalis go to the Gelff?
    To yearn meney.

    6) What did the Malayali do when the plane caught fire?
    He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.

    7) How does a Malayali spell moon?
    MOON - Yem Woh yet another Woh and Yen.

    8) What is Malayali management graduate called?
    Yem Bee Yae.

    9) What does a Malayali do when he goes to America ?
    He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren.

    10) What does a Malayali use to commute to office everyday?
    An Oto.

    11) Where does he pray?
    In a Temble, Charch and a Maask.

    12) Who is Bruce Lee's best friend?
    A Malaya-Lee of coarse.

    13) Name the only part of the werld, where Malayalis dont werk hard?
    Kerala.

    14) Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala?
    Because 86% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding and re-tying the lungi.

    15) Why did Saddam Hussain attack Kuwait?
    He had a Mallu baby-sitter, who always used to say 'KEEP QUWAIT' 'KEEP QUWAIT'.

    16) What is the Latest Malayali Punch Line?
    Frem Tea Shops To Koll Cenders, We Are Yevery Where"

    17) Why aren't Mallus included in hockey and football teams?
    Coz Whenever they get a corner, they set up a tea shop.

    Now pass it on to 5 Mallus to get a free sample of kokanet oil.
    Pass it on 10 Mallus to get a free pack of Benana Chibbs....
    (My Mallu peeps, no offence, its just a forward..zimbly read and yenjay)
  • The Breathalyzer Test

    A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

    "I can't do that, officer."

    "Why not?"

    "Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."

    "Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."

    "Can't do that either, officer."

    "Why not?"

    "Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."

    "Alright, we could get a blood sample."

    "Can't do that either, officer."

    "Why not?"

    "Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."

    "Fine then, just walk this white line."

    "Can't do that either, officer."

    "Why not?"

    "Because I'm too drunk to do that."
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