• A Nutty Affair

    So I was sitting on the bus and somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

    I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

    "Sure," I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

    "What a nice lady," I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.

    A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.

    After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.

    I asked her, "Why don't you eat them yourself?"

    "Because we've got no teeth," she replied.

    "Then why do you buy them?" I asked.

    "Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them."
  • Your Job Sucks?

    Try this out:

    Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

    When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into some very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.

    Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

    Now the fun part begins!

    Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Jonson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

    Now close your eyes and repeat out louse five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."
  • Your Prayer Has Been Heard

    A college student wrote a letter home:

    Dear folks, I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.

    Your son, Marvin.

    P.S.I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed to God that I could get it back.But it was too late.

    A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said: Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!
  • Multiple Entrances

    There is this corner bar that has three entrances, one on each street, and one on the corner. A drunk walks into one entrance, and bartender refuses to serve him, telling him he is too drunk.

    So, the drunk leaves, stumbles down to the corner where he finds the second entrance. He enters again, and is refused service again. He stares at the bartender, falls back out into the street, turns the corner, and finds the third entrance.

    He goes back into the bar, sees the bartender, and stops dead in his tracks.

    After studying the bartender for a long moment, he exclaims, "Good grief! Do you own all the bars in town?"