• The Pea Diet

    There was a businessman, and he was not feeling well, so he went to see the doctor about it. The doctor says to him, "Well, it must be your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?"

    The man replies, "Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green foods."

    The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, "Well man, that's your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, you'll have to give them up!!"

    The guy says, "But how long for, I mean I really like peas!"

    The doctor replies, "Forever, I'm afraid."

    The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, so he realizes that he will never eat a pea again.

    Anyway, one night, years later, he's at a convention for his employer and getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says, "Well, ashully, I'd love a cigarette, coz I avint ad a smoke in four years, I gave it up."

    Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, "Really, I haven't had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so I gave it up!"

    The businessman says, "Thas nuvving, I haven't ad a pea in 6 years" and the barman jumps up screaming, "Okay, everyone who can't swim, grab a table..."
  • Stunning Senior Moment

    A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

    "You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today are much more advanced than people your age. We grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon and the internet. We have cell phones, nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers, automated manufacturing, amazing technologies, and...," pausing to take another drink of beer.

    The senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young... so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are YOU doing for the next generation?"
  • The Biggest Liar

    The fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks, "Any luck?"

    "Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday," he boasts.

    "Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the stranger.

    "Nope."

    "Well, meet the new game warden."

    "Oh," gulped the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?"

    "Nope."

    "Meet the biggest liar in the state."
  • The Blind Walmart Clerk

    A lady goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel for her husband. She doesn't know which one to get, so walks over to the register. A Walmart associate is standing there with sunglasses on. She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

    He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter I can tell you about it."
    v She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

    He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 220 reel and a 10-lb testline... It's a good all-around rod and reel, and it's $20."

    She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

    He walks behind the counter to the register. She bends down to get her purse and farts. At first, she's embarrassed but then realizes that there's no way he would know it was her because being blind, he wouldn't know she was the only person there.

    He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

    She says, "But didn't you say it was $20?"

    He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. Thank you for shopping Walmart."