• Shopping With The Wife

    After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Sainsbury's.
    Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
    Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Sainsbury's...

    Dear Mrs. Harris,
    Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

    1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.

    3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of Maltesers.

    6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.

    8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.

    9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

    10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

    11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

    12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

    13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

    14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

    15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

    And last, but not least:
    16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the Staff passed out.
  • A Hunting Accident

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. His eyes are rolled back in his head and he doesn't seem to be breathing. The other hunter takes out his cell phone and calls for help.

    He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

    The operator, in a calm voice, says, "Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead."

    There is silence on the phone, then a shot is heard and the hunter's voice comes back on the line. "OK," he says, "now what?"
  • A 65 year Old Mom

    With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth.

    When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

    "May we see the new baby?" one asked.

    "Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

    Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

    "No, not yet," said the mother.

    After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

    "No, not yet," replied the mother.

    Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

    "WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

    "Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"

    "BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM. O.K.?"
  • Flying Monkey!

    Three scientists in Brunswick, Maine, were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for 2 weeks.

    But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go.

    A week after the experiment had started they began to realize WHY the idea had never been tried, they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out.

    One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go.

    The big day arrived, they set up all the monitoring equipment and set out to a safe distance.

    The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer.

    They heard a loud roar, but there was no visual evidence. The three scientists returned dejectedly to their lab.

    The next morning in their local paper, they saw the headline saying: "Shit storms in Texas...... Flying monkey kills cow."
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