• Upset Stomach

    Ek Bar Santa Apni Girlfriend Ke Ghar Dinner Par Gaya. Us Din Santa Ka Pet Kuch Kharab Tha, Phir Bhi Table Par Shaandar Dinner Rakha Dekh Ke Uske Muh Mein Pani Aa Gaya Aur Santa Ne Daba Kar Dinner Kiya.

    Thodi Der Ke Baad Santa Ke Pet Mein Gud-Gud Shuru Ho Gayi Aur Pad Ki Awaaz Aayi... Poooooooo....

    Saare Logo Ne Santa Ki Taraf Dekha Aur Uske Baad Santa Ke Paas Baithe Hue Ladki Ke Kutte Tommy Ki Taraf Dekha.

    Ladki Ka Baap: Tommy...! Chalo Bhago Yaha Se.

    Tommy Wahi Baitha Raha. Santa Ne Socha Chalo Achchha Hua Kisi Ko Pata Nahi Chala Aur Ilzam Tommy Pe Lag Gaya.

    Do Minute Baad Santa Ne Phir Pad Diya... Poooooo.... Ladki Ka Baap Gusse Me Bola: Tommyyyyy, Maine Kaha Jao Yahan Se.

    Santa Phir Se Bahut Khush Hua. Girlfriend Ne Bhi Santa Ki Taraf Dekha Aur Phir Tommy Ko Dekh Ke Boli: Ye Kutta Bhi Na. Tommy... Chalo Jao, Hato Santa Ke Paas Se.

    Thodi Der Baad Phir Se Santa Ke Pet Ne Saath Chhod Diya Aur Ab Ki Baar Ka Poooo Kuch Zyada Hi Tez Aawaz Se Nikla Pooooooooooooo.......

    Ladki Ka Baap: Oye Tommy.... Kab Se Kah Rahe Hain Ki Jao Yahan Se... Jaata Kyun Nahin... Jab Wo Tere Upar Potty Kar Dega Tab Hatega Kya Wahan Se....????
  • Learn a New Sport

    On a busy Med/Surg floor the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a patient's condition, "This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exactly."

    The doctor then began listing orders:
    "You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first. He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours. He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between.

    "Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day. Give range of motion every thirty minutes. He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour. Feed him something tasty every hour. Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times.

    "Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes. You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well."

    The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient's room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the patient.

    The nurse started, "The doctor said that you will live." Then quickly reviewing the orders, the nurse added, "But you will have to learn a new sport."
  • Experienced Logger

    A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job.

    He walks into the forestry company office and fills out an application as an 'Experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone. But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride into the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.

    The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."

    The Newfie promptly answers, "Dat dere's a Sitka Spruce eh? And she got 383 board feet a' lumber in 'er."

    The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.

    "Lord tunderin'! Dat's yer Douglas Fir and she got 690 board feet", says the Newfie.

    Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator! One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window.

    "And what about that one?"

    Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, "A Yeller Cedar, 242 board feet at mos'."

    The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little pissed off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he.

    As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree."

    The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot! How would he know which is the front of a tree?"

    When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk.

    "Dat's da front a' dat tree fer sure," the Newfie states, cocksure.

    The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?"

    The Newfie looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "Cuz someone took a crap behind it, eh?"

    He got the job and is now the foreman.
  • College Days!

    An old man went to the college that he went to when he was a youth.

    He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said, "May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college."

    A young man opened the door and let him in.

    The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything.

    He said, "The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden. And the same old bed."

    When examining it he found a young girl under the bed.

    The young man got alarmed and said, "Don't mistake me. She is my cousin. She dropped her ear ring and is searching for it."

    The old man said, "And the same old story..."