• The Oldest Member!

    One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around.

    The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."

    So they awakened the old man and asked him to tell a story.

    "Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep.

    "I don't know how long I was asleep when I suddenly was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest darned lion I'd ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this: "RRROOAARRR!!!"
    "I tell you, I just soiled myself!"

    The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have soiled myself too if a lion jumped out at me."

    The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not back then. I soiled myself just now, when I said 'RRROOAAARRR!!!' Could one of you help me out please?"
  • Birthday Gift

    A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

    "Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

    So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

    Services will be at Downing Funeral Home on Monday the 9th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service.

    Please send your donations to the - "Think Before You Say Things To Your Wife Foundation"
  • A Management Lesson

    Once there was a king who had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and eat all ministers who made mistakes.

    One of the ministers once gave an opinion which the king didn't like at all, so he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

    So the minister said, "I served you 10 years and you do this? Please give me 10 days before you throw me in with those dogs!"

    The king agreed. In those 10 days the minister went to the guard that was guarding the dogs and told him he wants to serve the dogs for the next 10 days.

    The guard was baffled, but he agreed. So the minister started feeding the dogs, cleaning for them, washing them, providing all sorts of comfort for them.

    When the 10 days were up, the king ordered that the minister be thrown in to the dogs for his punishment. But when he was thrown in, eEveryone was amazed at what they saw, they saw the dogs licking the feet of the minister!

    The king baffled at what he saw and said, "What happened to dogs !!!"

    The minister then said, "I served the dogs for 10 days and they didn't forget my service. Yet I served you for 10 years and you forgot all at the first mistake!" So the king realised his mistake and got wolves instead!

    Moral: What management decides is decided. Eventhough they are wrong, you will be screwed!
  • Condemned By a Nun

    A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

    As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.

    Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"

    The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."

    "Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"

    "Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."

    "Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"

    "Well, I really don't know...."

    "I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."

    "Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question.

    However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

    "Well let's go inside and settle this"

    "No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."

    "You're on!" said the guy.

    The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"

    The bartender sighed and said, "Is that frickin' nun out there again!"