• Condemned By a Nun

    A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

    As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.

    Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"

    The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."

    "Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"

    "Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."

    "Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"

    "Well, I really don't know...."

    "I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."

    "Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question.

    However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

    "Well let's go inside and settle this"

    "No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."

    "You're on!" said the guy.

    The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"

    The bartender sighed and said, "Is that frickin' nun out there again!"
  • Embarrassing Moment

    An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party.

    While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress.

    She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her. He was very embarrassed but wishing to comply with her request he reached cautiously down the back of her gown.

    "I'm terribly sorry," he said, "but I can't seem to reach it."

    "Try further down," she said.

    At this point he noticed that he was being watched by everyone in the room which made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered to the girl, "I feel such a perfect ass."

    "Never mind that!" she cried. "Just get the damn necklace."
  • Have faith

    A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.

    "HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?" he shouted.

    A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:
    "I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

    "Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

    "Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

    There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?"
  • Men vs Women

    On being told that someone has purchased a new car, women ask what color it is. Men ask what the make and model are.

    Men have no opinions whatsoever on curtains.

    Ask for directions from a woman out and about, and she will give you landmarks by shopping stores. Men will give you landmarks by restaurants and pubs.

    Men appreciate the importance of a 42-inch plasma screen.

    Women can use sex to get what they want. Men can't because, well, what they want is sex.

    Men speak in sentences. Women speak in paragraphs.

    At weddings, women cry and then drink too much. Men drink too much, and then cry.

    Men can balance an infinite amount of trash in the garbage can without ever noticing it's full.

    Women know when all you want to do is get it off your shoulders and whine. Men always offer a solution.

    Women enjoy planning a wedding. Men enjoy just getting it over with.

    Women know what to do when someone starts to cry. Men just shuffle out of the room, mumbling something about the grouting.

    Men can watch an entire movie without having to ask "Who is that, and what did he do?"

    A man can choose and purchase - in 90 seconds - a pair of shoes.

    Women can remember every outfit they wore for the past decade. Men cannot remember what they wore yesterday without looking at the floor next to the bed.