• What's the Time?

    Every Monday morning for years, at about 11:30 am, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time.

    One day the operator summed-up the nerve to ask him why the regularity.

    "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day, I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call you to get the exact time."

    The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time, we've been setting our clock by your whistle."
  • Can You Smell It?

    A young woman walks into a prestige car sales room. Looks around at all the Porsches, Lamborghini's, Jags etc., and says to the salesman.

    "Can I have the red one?" - a top of the range Porsche.

    "I'll pay cash!" and starts taking handfuls of cash out of a carrier bag until she gets to the right price.

    The deal is finalised very quickly and the girl drives it away.

    She is back 2 days later, "I want my money back... it smell awfully bad when I use the brakes," she states emphatically.

    Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books) the manager decides to ride in the car with her... in case she is not driving it properly.

    He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second gear at 55 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80mph does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to accelerate.

    120mph into 4th gear; 5th at 145mph. The engine is screaming, trying to leap out of the bonnet when it reaches 170mph. The scenery is a green blur the G-force has him pinned in the seat. In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a level crossing are beginning to come down and she will have to slow down (he thinks!) instead the pitch of the engine increases.

    100 yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car stops inches from the barrier.

    "Can you smell it?" she says.

  • Dumb Ass

    The Irish priest was at the altar one dreary Sunday morning, addressing his congregation, vehement that alcohol was the work of the devil.

    "As an example," he stated during his sermon, "If you were to lead a donkey to a bowl of water and a bowl of whiskey, from which would he drink?"

    A grizzled old Mick at the back of the church spoke up, "Aye, Father, for sure he'd drink from the water."

    The priest, elated, said, "Very good, my son. And can you tell me WHY he'd drink from the water?"

    The Irishman at the back of the church replied, "Sure I can tell ye' why, Father. Because he's a dumb ass."
  • Bartender Help

    An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.

    He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

    The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.

    The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

    The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

    The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?"

    The bartender quickly replies, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."