• Damn!

    Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter "Hoover!" under his breath.

    On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard.
    "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time.

    On the third hole, a miracle occurred and Fr. Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!"

    He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!!!!"

    By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said, "Hoover".

    "It's the biggest dam I know!"
  • The Tea Party

    Mom went shopping, leaving Dad in charge of their daughter. Suzie was about 18 months old and loved playing with her new tea set. Dad was engrossed in the evening news when Suzie brought him a little cup of 'tea' (really just plain water).

    He praised her good 'cooking,' so she brought him more. After several cups of 'tea,' and much praise, Mom came home.

    "Honey, watch this," said Dad and had her wait in the living room as Suzie brought him another cup of tea.

    "Isn't she just the cutest?"

    Mom waited until he had polished off yet another cup of 'tea' before asking, "Did you ever think that the only place a baby can get water is the toilet?!"
  • Heavenly Voice

    A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG!

    He looks around: nobody's there. "I am having hallucinations," he thinks.

    Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG !

    So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.

    The deep voice says: OPEN!

    Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.

    The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO!

    Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino.

    The deep voice says: ROULETTE!

    So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables where the players gaze at him with disbelief.

    The deep voice says: 27!

    The man takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball.

    The ball stays at the 26.

    The deep voice says: OOOPS!
  • Emergency Landing

    A plane made an emergency landing on water. The stewardess asked the passengers to slide down to the lifeboats, but the passengers refused.

    The stewardess then asked the captain to help. The captain, being very knowledgeable and experienced, guided her - You tell the Americans this is an ADVENTURE.

    Tell the British this is an HONOUR.

    Tell the French this is a ROMANTIC activity,

    and tell the Germans this is the LAW.

    Tell the Japanese this is an ORDER, and everyone will be sorted out.

    The stewardess remembered the flight had some passengers from India and Singapore too. "What about them," she asked.

    The captain, taking a deep breath, patiently explained, "You need not tell the Singaporeans anything, my dear. Once they see a QUEUE, they will join it without questions."

    "And what about the Indians?" she persisted.

    The captain laughed, "Easy. Just tell the Indians this activity is FREE."