Jokes Page 4

New
Universal Jokes > Jokes
Page: 4
I Lost My Car Keys...

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion - Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty so I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice.

"Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!" Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

Online Friend

Nayi nayi friendship hui Facebook pe... numbers exchange hue... aur phir...

Girl: Hello darling! Kya kar rahe ho...???

Boy: Hai Jaanu, Shave kar raha hoon...

Girl: Jab bhi mai tum ko call karti hoon tum shave kar rahe hote ho... din mein kitni baar Shave krte ho...??

Boy: 30-40 baar...

Girl: Tum Pagal ho. kya...???

Boy: Nahi jaanu mainn Barber hun...

Playing Smart!!!

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door."

"Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but your client."

Pregnant With Twins!!!

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'What the heck,', and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "I have some really great news!"

I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy." She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant.

I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great I couldn't be happier for you!"

Then she said, "There's more."

I asked, "What do you mean there's more?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!

Quotes

Spectacular achievement is always preceded by unspectacular preparation.

Trivia

The Iglesia Maradoniana (English: Church of Maradona; literally Maradonian Church) is a religion, created by fans of the retired Argentine football player Diego Maradona, who they believe to be the best player of all time.

Graffiti

If it weren't for the rains, people would be all dry.