• Those Blond Men

    A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: Did you find the shampoo?
    He answers: Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine.

    A blond man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
    "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
    The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
    The blond man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

    A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
    It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND"
    He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

    A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
    "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
    "No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"

    A blond man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
    "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
    "Hanging myself," the blond replies.
    "The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
    "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

    An Italian tourist asks a blond man: Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?
    To which the blonde man replies: If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
  • Air Force Wings

    A mother travelled 2000 miles to see her only son getting Air Force wings and getting married on the same day.

    After marriage the son thanked her for coming all the way.

    "It meant so much to me," he said.

    The mother gave a classic reply.

    She said, "I wouldn't have missed it. After all it's not every day a mother watches her son get his wings in the morning and have them clipped in the afternoon."
  • A Bit of Gas

    "Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging stomach.

    "Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little gas."

    A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across her belly.

    "Oh, just a bit of gas," said sister Ann, blushing a bit.

    On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage.

    Looking in, the priest observed, "Cute little Fart!"
  • The Umbrella Thief

    A man was in the habit of carrying an umbrella wherever he went. Unfortunately, he broke his last good one. Looking at the six useless umbrellas in his umbrella stand, he decided to take them all in and have them repaired.

    On the bus on the way home, he picked up the umbrella that belonged to the woman sitting next to him, purely out of habit.

    She immediately cried, "Stop, thief!" and he surrendered the umbrella.

    Very embarrassed, he quickly got off the bus. The next week he picked up his repaired umbrellas. When he got on the bus with the six umbrellas under his arm, he just so happened to sit next to the very same woman.

    She gave him an icy stare and said, "Had a good day, huh?"