|A dentist had an old lady patient who was very hard to handle. As soon as she sat in the chair, she panicked and would clamp her mouth shut so firmly that he couldn't get it open to work on her teeth.|
One afternoon, on about the third try to treat the old lady, the dentist figured out a way to get the job done. He excused himself from the old lady, went back to the reception desk and told his receptionist that as soon as he was ready to work on the old lady's teeth, she was to move up behind her and jab her in the rear with a long pin.
Well the receptionist did what she was told, and sure enough, the old lady opened her mouth to holler and that opening, maintained with a pry to keep it that way, got the job done.
Finally finishing with his work, the dentist said, "Well now, that wasn't so bad, was it?"
"Nope, not so bad," said the old lady. "But I'll tell you this, I never expected to feel the pain of a toothache way down in my ass."
|An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said.|
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makea nine," says the Italian.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere a you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99 ?"
"Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, datsa makea one hundred. So, when I'm a gonna start?"
|The Seven Stages of the Married Cold: A husband's reactions to his wife's colds during seven years of marriage. The seven stages are as follows:|
Stage 1: Sugar Dumpling, I've really been worried about my baby girl. That's a bad sniffle, and there's no telling about these things with all the strep that's going around. I'm going to put you in the hospital for a general check-up and a good rest. I know the food's terrible, but I'm going to bring you dinner every night from Rosini's. I have it all arranged with the floor supervisor.
Stage 2: Listen, Darling, I don't like the sound of that cough. I'm going to call Doc Miller to rush over here. Now you go to bed like a good girl just for Papa.
Stage 3: Maybe you'd better lie down, Honey. Nothing like a little rest when you feel lousy. I'll bring you something. Do we have any canned soup?
Stage 4: Now look, Dear, be sensible. After you've fed the kids, and gotten the dishes done, and the floor mopped, you'd better lie down for a while.
Stage 5: Why don't you take a couple of aspirins?
Stage 6: Why don't you just gargle or something instead of sitting around barking like a seal all evening?
Stage 7: Would you stop coughing on me? Are you trying to give me pneumonia?
|Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, "Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way. I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff. The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death.|
"I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens."
Sam continued, "I was taken to a hospital. I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head."
There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, "Who is Mary?"