• Give Clear Instructions

    A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric over sized gas-guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it.

    I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30mph for it to start.

    She said 'Fine!' and hopped into her car and drove off.

    I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.

    A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 50 mph, I suddenly realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions...
  • Santa Banta Jokes

    Santa Apni Marriage Anniversary Wale Din Apne Ghar Ke Bahar Udaas Sa Baitha Tha, Banta Ne Ye Dekha Aur Uske Paas Aakar Puchha.
    Banta: Oye Bahar Kyu Baitha Hai?
    Santa: Yaar Aaj Marriage Anniversary Thi To Mene Wife Ko Gift Mein Chain Di Aur Usne Mujhe Ghar Se Bahar Nikal Diya.
    Banta: Kyu? Chain Chandi Ki Laya Tha Kya?
    Santa: Nahi, Cycle Ki.

    Santa And Banta Jungle Mein Ghumne Gaye, Saamne Se Ek Sher Aa Gaya.
    Banta Ne Sher Ki Aakhon Main Mitti Phenki, Aur Santa Ko Chilla Kar Bola: Oye Baag Jaldi Se.
    Santa: Main Kyun Bhaagu, Mitti To Tune Phenki Hai.

    Bant Bhagwan Ki Tapasyaa Karna Shuru Kari. Kafi Time Ke Baad Bhagwan Ji Uski Tapasya Se Khush Hokar Prakat Hue Aur Bole.
    Bhagwan: Var Maango Vats.
    Aadmi Sharmate Hue Bola: Prabhu, Aap Jaisa Soch Rahe Ho Main Vesa Nahi Hu, Mujhe To Vadhu Chahiye.

    Teacher To Student: Beta, Answer Sheet Par Sabse Pehale Kya Likhna Chahiye?
    Student: Iss Sheet Par Likhe Gaye Answer Kalpanik Hai, Jinka Kisi Bhi Book Se Koi Sambhandh Nahi Hai.

    Pappu Ek Bar Apni Girlfriend Ko Milne Gaya To Uski Girlfriend Ne Kuch Sungh Kar Kaha.
    Girlfriend: Aapne Muli Ke Paranthe Khaye Hai?
    Pappu: Nahi Nahi, Main To Sandwich Kha Ke Aya Hun.
    Girlfriend: Dont Try To Lie, I Know Lips Can Lie But Hips Dont Lie.

    Santa Ne Ek Bar Bazar Mein Amrood Khareeda Aur Khane Laga. Achanak Usne Dekha Ki Amarood Bich Mein Ek Keeda Hai.
    Santa Gusse Se: Abe Oye, Tere Amrood Mein Se Toh Kida Nikla Hai.
    Amrood Wale Ne Kuch Socha Aur Phir Bola: Bhai, Apni Apni Kismat Hai, Kya Pata Agle Amrood Mein Se Motorcycle Nikal Aaye.
    Santa Ne Ye Suna Aur Khush Hoke Bola: Achcha, Chal Fir 5 Killo Pack Kar De.

    Circus Ka Malik Santa Ko Dante Hue Bola.
    Malik: Be Parwai Ki Bhi Koi Hadd Hoti Hai Tune Raat Ko Sher Ko Khula Chod Diya Thha?
    Santa Hairan Hote Hue: Iss Se Kya Farq Padta Hai Sher Ko Koun Chori Karega.
  • Traditional Marriage

    A young straight couple was in love but they were so poor they could only afford to get married at a gay church.

    So they met with their gay pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.

    On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.

    "Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor.

    "Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."
  • Late Night Party

    A teenage girl had just been given family-car privileges, when she returned home very late from a party.

    The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.

    At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "What time did you get in last night?"

    "Not too late, Dad," she replied nervously.

    Dead-pan, her father said, "Then I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front wheel of the car."