• Whisky for Constipation

    A nun walks into a liquor store and asks for a bottle of whisky.

    The owner is shocked, "I'm sorry, Sister, but I'm a good church-going man. I simply can't sell liquor to a nun."

    The nun blushes a little, looks around nervously, then leans forward to whisper, "It's for Mother Superior's constipation."

    "Oh, well, that's a different story," the owner says.

    He wraps up a bottle of his best and hands it to her, waving away her attempt to pay for it.

    On his way home, he walks past the convent and sees the nun, drunk as a skunk, doing cartwheels on the lawn.

    He runs up to her, "Shame on you, Sister... how could you? You said the whisky was to help your Mother Superior's constipation!"

    "It will, it will," the nun mutters. "When she sees me, she's just going to shit!"
  • Second Innings....

    Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

    Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

    "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

    "Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

    "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear."

    "Yes sir, I understand your concern and Ill try harder."

    Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, "It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?"

    The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?"
  • It's Snack Time!

    A guy was packing for a business trip and his five year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed helping her Daddy pack for his big trip.

    At one point she giggled and said, "Daddy, Daddy... Look at this," and stuck out two of her little fingers.

    Trying to keep her entertained and enjoying her playful mood, he reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in his mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers, nom nom nom..." pretending to eat them and then went back to packing for his trip.

    He couldn't help but notice how quiet she had become and looked up to see his is daughter standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated and bewildered look on her face.

    He looked at her and said, "What's wrong, honey? Daddy was just playing. I would never really eat your fingers!" and let out a little giggle.

    She replied, "I know you were just playing Daddy but what happened to my boogie?
  • Debt Crisis

    It's 3:00 A.M. and Goldie wakes up to see her husband pacing the floor.

    "Morris, why can't you sleep?" she asks him.

    "You know our next door neighbor, Sam. I borrowed $1000 from him, and it's due tomorrow morning and I don't have the money. I don't know what I'm going to do." Morris replies.

    Goldie gets out of bed and opens the window.

    "Sam!" she shouts, and several times more, "Sam! Sam!"

    Finally a very groggy Sam opens the window opposite her and yells back, "What, what is it? It's 3 AM, what do you want?"

    Goldie says, "You know the $1000 my husband owes you? He doesn't have it."

    She then slams the window shut and turns to Morris and says, "Now you go to sleep and let Sam pace the floor."