• A Lullaby for Golfers

    A lullaby for Golfers: In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
    White And Dimpled, And Rather Small.
    Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
    This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

    By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
    The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
    But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
    I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

    My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
    Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.

    It Rules My Mind For Hours On End;
    A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

    It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry,
    And Hate Myself And Want To Die.
    It Promises Me A Thing Called Par,
    If I Hit It Straight And Far.

    To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
    Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
    But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
    And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

    It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
    And Disappears Before My Eyes.
    Often It Will Have A Whim,
    To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

    With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
    It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
    Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
    If Only It Would Find The Hole.

    It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
    And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
    And Take To Drink. To Ease My Sorrow,
    But The Ball Knows: I'll Be Back Tomorrow.
  • Learning Punjabi

    During the British Raj, it was felt that bonding with the locals would be better if English officers could speak in Punjabi.

    Accordingly, a Punjabi tutor was arranged for a Gora Major Saab.

    After a month the tutor felt he had taught the British Major good Punjabi.

    The Major's commanding officer in Lahore, the British General, decided to personally test the Major.

    So, he threw some ink on the table and asked the Major to describe in Punjabi what happened.

    Major: Aithay ink Kinnay giraayi Hai?

    The tutor looked happy but the General was disappointed and asked them to further improve the Punjabi. Another month passed and it was time for another test. The General again threw ink on the table and asked the same question.

    Major replied in his improved style: Aitthay Siyahi Kinnay Doli Aa?

    The tutor was thrilled but the General was still not satisfied. So the tutor asked what the General was expecting. The General said he would demonstrate and called a desi Punjabi Sergeant to come into the office.

    The Sergeant walked in, saw the mess and immediately screamed: Oye Kanjaro ! Eh Maiz Di Maa Behan Kinne Kitti Aa?

    The old General stood up, applauded and announced: Now, that, gentleman is Punjabi.
  • Finding Jesus

    A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.

    The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

    The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher... I sure am."

    The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

    "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

    "No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

    The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

    "No, I did not Reverend."

    The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?"

    The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
  • Lajawab Santa!

    Santa Ke Ghar Navjot Singh Siddhu Ki Tasvir Lagi Hui Thi.
    Banta: Yaar, Tujhe Toh Cricket Mein Bilkul Bhi Interest Nahin Hai, Phir Tune Siddhu ji Ki Photo Kyun Laga Rahi Hai???
    Santa: Kaun Siddhu?? Main Toh Laughing Buddha Lene Gaya Tha... Dukaandar Ne Kaha Ye Le Jao, Latest Hai !!!

    Santa Jab Bhi Kapde Dhota, Tab Hi Baarish Ho Jaati. Ek Din Dhoop Nikli Toh Usne Shukr Kiya Aur Dukaan Pe Surf Lene Gaya.
    Wo Jaise Hi Dukaan Par Gaya, Baadal Zor-Zor Se Garajne Lage. Santa Fatafat Aasmaan Ki Taraf Muh Karke Bola: Kya?
    Main Toh Biscuit Lene Aaya Hoon, Kasam Se...!!! ???

    Santa Ki Maa: 21 Saal Tak Meri Koi Aulad Nahi Hui.
    Press Reporter: Phir Apne Kya Kiya?
    Santa Ki Maa: Phir Jab Mein 21 Saal Ki Hui Toh Papa Ne Meri Shadi Karwa Di, Phr Ja Ke Apna Ye Santa Hua... !!!

    Ek Aadmi Khade-Khade Chaabi Se Apna Kaan Khujla Raha Tha. Santa Usko Bade Gaur Se Dekhte Hue Bola: Bhaisahab, Aap Start Nahi Ho Rahe Toh Dhakka Maaru?

    Doctor: Motape Ka Ek Hi Ilaaj Hai. Tum Roj 2 Chapatis Khaya Karo.
    Santa: Theek Hai Doctor Sahab, Par Ye Toh Bataiye 2 Chapati Khaane Se Pehle Jhaani Hai Ya Khaane Ke Baad ?