• Loyal Guards

    Kim Jong-Un and Vladimir Putin were having a summit meeting at a 20-story building. During a break, the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.

    First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."

    Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."

    Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out.

    Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running toward the window.

    Putin grabbed him and said, "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!"

    Struggling, Lee replied, "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"
  • Bought vs. Homemade

    Six-year-old Annie returns home from school and says that today she had her first family planning lesson at school.

    Her mother, very interested, asks, "Oh... How did it go?"

    "I nearly died of shame!" she answers. "Sam from down the street says the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."

    Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed."

    "No... but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"
  • Pole Dancers!

    A guy meets a childhood pal.

    "What are you doing for yourself these days?"

    "I'm a fireman."

    "Oh yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman."

    "Well, if you want some good advice, you've got to install in your house a pole that will go to the base- ment so your kid can practice, 'cause the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night."

    Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.

    Fireman asks, "Well, did your son become a fireman?"

    "No, but I have two daughters who are "dancers."
  • Where Have You Been???

    A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.

    Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little travelled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of.

    Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell. His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good- for-nothing bastard! Where the hell have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago."
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