• Never Lie About Your Age

    A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims to the whole table, "What rotten luck I've had today! What in the world should I do now?"

    A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know, why don't you play your age?"

    He walks away, but moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned.

    He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

    The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 36, and when 47 came up she just fainted!"
  • Sentence Making

    The teacher once asked the class to make a sentence with the phrase pistol too.

    Timmy raised his hand, and after being recognized said, "The lone Ranger tamed the wild west with his faithful Indian companion and his pistol too."

    Very good says the teacher.

    Little Johnny raised his hand, and after being called on said, "Down at our house we make home-brew, drink till twelve, and piss till two."
  • Getting Married

    With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight."

    As expected, the wife wasn't happy at being imposed upon during what she imagined to be a quiet evening.

    His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!"

    The husband said, "I know all that."

    The wife looked on at him with incredulity. She wondered when she would ever get a little peace.

    "Why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife.

    The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."
  • Front Of A Tree

    A Norwegian applied for a job as a logger deep in the Canadian woods.

    The foreman took him into the bush to test his knowledge of logging. He stopped the truck, pointed at a tree, and said, "See that tree over there? Tell me its species and how many board feet of lumber are in it."

    The Norwegian immediately replied, "Dat dere's a sitka spruce, eh? And she got 383 board feet of lumber in 'er."

    The foreman was impressed. He drove a little farther, pointed at another tree, and asked the same question.

    "Lord tunderin'. Dat's yer Douglas fir. 690 board feet."

    They drove a little farther, and the foreman asked again.

    "Yeller cedar. 242 board feet."
    The foreman was surprised -- this Norwegian is correct and quick, not even using a calculator. He drove back to the office a little offended because the Norwegian is better at his game than he was. As they neared the office, the foreman figured out how to get the best of the new guy.

    He stopped the truck, handed the Norwegian a piece of chalk, and said, "See that tree over there? Mark an X on the front of it." The foreman thought, "How could he know which is the front of a tree?"

    The Norwegian walked around the tree looking at the ground, then reached up, and marked an X on its trunk. "Dat's da front a' dat tree, fer sure."

    The foreman laughed and asked sarcastically, "Now what makes you think that's the front of that tree?"

    The Norwegian looked down at his feet, rubbed the toe of one boot on the grass, and replied, "Cuz somebody took a crap behind it, eh!"

    He got the job and is now the foreman.