Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbour and decided to go to a calm place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.
As they were jumping the big gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.
A few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate and heard a voice saying, "One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you..."
He immediately sobered up and ran as fast as he could to a church nearby, for the priest, "Father, please come with me. Come and witness God & Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery."
They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voices continued, "One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you..."
Suddenly, the voice stopped counting & said, "What about the two at the gate?"
The priest almost ran past the church gate...shouting, "We are not dead yet oooohh!!!"
Wife to her husband: Suno, aate hue zara kitchen se namak lete aana.
Husband (kitchen se): Yahan to koi Namak nahi hai.
Wife: Mujhe pata tha, tum toh ho hi andhe, kaamchor kahin ke. Ek kaam dhang se nahi kar sakte, bas bahane banaate rehte ho, zindagi mein kuch to kaam karo. Mujhe pehle se hi pata tha ki tumhe nahin milega, isliye mein pehle hi le aayi thi.
A soldier, who was habitually drunk, publicly announced to all the men in his company and surrounding companies that he was swearing off drinking and that all the other soldiers should give up this foul habit also.
The other soldiers would tease him to fall off the wagon by giving him whiskey and get him drunk. Every morning he would be back preaching about the sins of alcohol.
One day his friend told him he ought to give up preaching about the evils of the jug as he always ends up drunk.
With a twinkle in his blood shot eyes he said, "What, and give up all that free whiskey?"
Once Mulla Nasruddin was invited to deliver a sermon. When he got on the pulpit, he asked, "Do you know what I am going to say?"
The audience replied, "No."
So he announced, "I have no desire to speak to people who don't even know what I will be talking about!" and left.
The people felt embarrassed and called him back again the next day. This time, when he asked the same question, the people replied yes.
So Nasruddin said, "Well, since you already know what I am going to say, I won't waste any more of your time!" and left.
Now the people were really perplexed. They decided to try one more time and once again invited the Mulla to speak the following week.
Once again he asked the same question, "Do you know what I am going to say?"
Now the people were prepared and so half of them answered "yes" while the other half replied "no".
So Nasruddin said Let the half who know what I am going to say, tell it to the half who don't, and left.