• Golf Emergency

    A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses.

    "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

    The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter and lines up his putt.

    His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

    "I'm dying here and you're putting?"

    "Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

    "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

    "No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
  • The Purina Diet

    I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

    I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

    Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse (not that i have one...) with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two (or seven) every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

    I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. I dont know what imparticular about the story engrosed him so much, was it concern, compasion, did he have no friends, or was he thinking about trying it himself... hmm.

    Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. She thougt that maybe there was some additive that was perfectly safe for dogs but could poison a human. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

    I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
  • History Repeats Itself

    This is excellent... every Office goers can relate with is:

    Who is Dronacharya:
    The Mentor. The employee who doesn't like working himself but is always ready to guide and train new joiners.

    Who is Bhishma:
    The Loyal. The employee in a relatively senior position who happily assists the boss in spite of knowing his incompetence (because of some strange oath maybe)

    Who is Dhritarashtra
    The blind boss. He knows that everything is wrong with his project but will still let it function, without making any changes to the current processes.

    Who is Gandhari:
    The Yes men/Women. Boss's immediate juniors who know that they are a part of an evil plan but will stay blindfolded and pretend as if nothing is happening.

    The ethical guy. Poor chap would never fudge timesheets and call in sick only when he is dying.

    The angry resource. Always ready to pick up a fight with his peers, subordinates or even the bosses.

    The cool dude. The star performer who also knows how to sell his skills. A natural charmer, very famous among the ladies.

    Nakul & Sahdev:
    The good average resource. No one notices them. They keep doing their work and get average appraisals.

    The Bully. Knows how to get work done, by hook or by crook. Doesn't mind threatening the likes of Nakul and Sahdev to get his work done.

    The unsung hero. The best performer in the office but never claims credit for his work. Stays an unsung hero for all his life. Girls take him for a snobbish nerd.

    The evil plotter. Copies management in every mail. Escalates every trivial issue, sometimes to take credits and sometimes purely for fun.

    The shared resource. Keeps hopping projects on boss's advice.

    The Ultimate Boss (MD/CEO) who knows that it is his game while he makes everyone believe that they are playing important roles too.

    Who says history never repeats itself.... ????
    Yes, It does, everyday.....in the office....
  • Men vs Women Brains

    Men vs Women Brain Analyses:

    Women's brains designed to concentrate multiple task at a time. Women can Watch a TV and Talk over phone and cook.
    Men's brains are designed to concentrate on only one thing at a time. Men can not watch TV and talk over the phone at the same time. They stop the TV while Talking.

    Women can easily learn many languages. But can not find solutions to problems.
    Men can not easily learn languages, but can easily solve problems. Which explains why on average a 3 year old girl has three times higher vocabulary than a 3 year old boy.

    A man's brain has a lot of space for handling analytical processes. They can analyze and find the solution for a process and design a map of a building easily.
    But If a complex map is viewed by women, they can not understand it. Women can not understand the details of a map easily, For them it is just a dump of lines on a paper.

    While driving a car, a man's spatial awareness ability is triggered in his brain. He can drive a car at high speed safely. If he sees an object at long distance, immediately his brain classifies the object's (bus or van or car) direction and speed and he drives accordingly.
    Whereas women take a longer length of time to recognize the direction/speed of oncoming vehicles.
    However a man's single process mind is easily distracted if he is listening to music in his car whilst he is driving.

    5. LYING
    When men lie to women face to face, they get caught easily. Unlike a man's brain, a woman's brain observes facial expressions and body language.
    A man's brain does not have this function. Therefore women make more convincing liars than men.

    If a man has a lot of problems, his brain clearly classifies the problems and puts them in individual boxes in the brain and then finds the solution one by one. You can see many guys looking at the sky for long periods of time, whilst they compartmentalise their problems.
    If a woman has a lot of problems, her brain can not classify the problems as easily. She finds actually talking to someone else about her problems, not only helps to solve them, but is essential.

    When asked, most men say that they want status, success, solutions, large sums of money, etc...
    But most Women's say their priorities are relationships, friends, family, love etc...

    If women are unhappy with their relationships, they can not concentrate on their work.
    If men are unhappy with their work, they can not concentrate on the relationships.

    9. SPEECH
    Women use indirect language in speech.
    But Men use direct language.

    Women talk a lot without thinking.
    Men act a lot without thinking.