• Men vs Women

    On being told that someone has purchased a new car, women ask what color it is. Men ask what the make and model are.

    Men have no opinions whatsoever on curtains.

    Ask for directions from a woman out and about, and she will give you landmarks by shopping stores. Men will give you landmarks by restaurants and pubs.

    Men appreciate the importance of a 42-inch plasma screen.

    Women can use sex to get what they want. Men can't because, well, what they want is sex.

    Men speak in sentences. Women speak in paragraphs.

    At weddings, women cry and then drink too much. Men drink too much, and then cry.

    Men can balance an infinite amount of trash in the garbage can without ever noticing it's full.

    Women know when all you want to do is get it off your shoulders and whine. Men always offer a solution.

    Women enjoy planning a wedding. Men enjoy just getting it over with.

    Women know what to do when someone starts to cry. Men just shuffle out of the room, mumbling something about the grouting.

    Men can watch an entire movie without having to ask "Who is that, and what did he do?"

    A man can choose and purchase - in 90 seconds - a pair of shoes.

    Women can remember every outfit they wore for the past decade. Men cannot remember what they wore yesterday without looking at the floor next to the bed.
  • A Miracle In My Church!

    Little Johnny goes to church on Sunday. There, he runs into the priest.

    The priest says: Good morning Johnny!

    Johnny: Good morning, Father.

    Priest: Tell me Johnny, how is your brother Timmy doing these days?

    Johnny: Well Father, Timmy is crippled you know? And just the other day Father, Timmy came to the church, took holy water and rubbed it on his right leg and threw his crutch away!

    Priest: Oh my God, a miracle in my church! We are blessed by God! Then what happened?

    Johnny: Well Father, then he took holy water, rubbed it on his left leg and threw his other crutch away!

    Priest: Praise Jesus! This is truly a miracle in my church! God is great! Then what happened, Johnny?

    Johnny: Well Father then he fell on his a$$, he's crippled you know?
  • Warm Beer!!!

    A man in the pub orders a beer. He gets it and begins to drink it and notices the beer is kind of warm. So he mentions something to the bartender, who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer.

    Then it is time to pay and instead of giving three $1 dollar bills to the bartender the guy throws 30 dimes behind the counter.

    The bartender is pissed and is on his hands and knees collecting change as the guy leaves.

    The next day the man is back and he comes in waiving a $3 dollar bill.

    The bartender thinks, "Okay, business is business," and lets him in. Again, the beer is kind of warm, but the guy doesn't say anything.

    Comes time to pay, the man gives him the $5 note.

    The bartender goes to the register to get the change, but instead of taking out two $1 dollar bills, he takes out 20 dimes and throws them all around the entire pub. The bartender says, "There is your f*cking change!"

    The man looks around and remains quite calm. He takes out 10 dimes, throws them behind the counter and says, "Gimme another beer!"
  • New Supermarket!

    A new supermarket opened in San Antonio, Texas. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

    Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

    When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.

    In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

    When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

    The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

    I don't buy toilet paper there anymore!