• 4 Husbands

    The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

    "He's a funeral director," she answered.

    "Interesting," the newsman thought.

    He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

    The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

    She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
  • The Super Salesman

    A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. "Sorry, we don't need anyone..." the manager at the office replied.

    "You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anything, anytime!"

    "Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job."

    He was gone about two hours and when he returned, he handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.

    "How in the world did you do that?" the manager asked.

    "I told you, I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anyone, anything, anytime!"

    "Did you get a urine sample?" the manager asked him.

    "What's that?" he asked.

    "Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000, the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

    He was gone about eight hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks with two five-gallon buckets, one in each hand.

    He put the buckets down, reached in his shirt pocket, took out two bottles of urine, set them on the desk and said, "Here's Mr. Jones' and this one is Mrs. Johnson's."

    "That's good," the manager said, "but what's in those two buckets?"

    "Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers' convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"
  • What's in a Name?

    The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

    "John," the new guy replied.

    The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

    The new guy sighed and said, "Darling.... My name is John Darling."

    "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
  • Dumbest Athlete Quotes

    1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
    "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

    2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
    "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first..."

    3. Torrin Polk,University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
    "He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."

    4. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
    "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

    5. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:
    "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."

    6. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
    "You guys line up alphabetically by height..," and, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

    7. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
    "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ..."

    8. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
    "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

    9. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
    "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

    10. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
    "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt.

    11. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
    "I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
    He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

    12 Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
    "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

    13. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
    "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

    14. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:
    "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."