• Goodbye Mother-in-law

    A couple was going out for the evening to celebrate their anniversary. The taxi arrived, and, just as they started out the door, their dog shot back into the house. They didn't want the dog shut inside all night, so the wife went out to the taxi while the husband took care of the dog.

    The wife, not wanting it known that their home would be empty all evening, explained to the driver, "My husband will be here in a moment. He's just saying good-bye to my mother."

    When the breathless husband finally climbed into the cab, he said, "Sorry I took so long, but I had to poke that stupid bitch with a coat hanger to get her to come out from under the bed! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the backyard!"

    The silence in the cab was deafening.
  • Replacing Joe

    Joe, the Governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The Governor had depended on Joe for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Joe had been his closest friend.

    So, it was understandable that the Governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Joe's job.

    "They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried," the Governor muttered.

    At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's side.

    "Governor," the man said, "is there a chance that I could take Joe's place?"

    "Certainly," the governor replied. "But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished."
  • Deer Hunting

    A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

    "Where's Henry?" the others asked.

    "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

    "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

    "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"
  • The Old Repair Man

    The Kosher bakeries motzah machine speed controlled drive system was down and the company was losing $5,000 an hour in profits. They placed an emergency call to their maintenance department, but since it was 3:00 am, Sunday morning, the only repair man available was old Morris.

    Old Morris had been with maintenance for over 35 years. In fact he was only two years from retirement. He had seen it all and wasn't impressed by much.

    As old Morris pulled up to the guard shack at the plant entrance, he was waved through and greeted by the plant manager himself.

    "Thank goodness you're here," he said. "How long will it take you to fix it?"

    Now Morris had nothing more than the sketchiest description of the problem but he replied without hesitation, "Oh, about fifteen minutes.... so don't worry ."

    "Great!" replied the plant manager, "My men will show you where the drive controls are and get you anything you need."

    After three hours of testing, reading prints, asking questions, the drive system was still not working. The plant manager became increasingly enraged and accosted old Morris, "I thought you said you could fix this thing in FIFTEEN MINUTES!"

    "I can and I will," replied Morris. "As soon as I figure out what the fuck is wrong with it!"