• The Real Blonde

    A blonde went into a pet shop and asked the owner if he had any parrots.

    The owner replied, "Sorry, I don't have any at the moment."

    "Dammmnnn and blast!" said the blonde, "I have been invited to a fancy dress party for the first time in my life and I want to go as a Pirate, and I have been told to be as authentic as possible, hence the need for the parrot explained the Blonde.

    "Well" said the owner, "if you come back here next week, specifically on Thursday, I am expecting a shipment from South America and I'll be able to supply you with a parrot, guaranteed."

    "Dammmmnnnn and blast!" said the blonde, "I can't come on that day or for some time after."

    "Why not?" Asked the owner.

    "Because that is the day I'm having my leg amputated!"
  • The Girl With A Big Nose

    A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident. The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.

    The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he's still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.

    "No, she'll never go for a man with a wooden eye," the man says.

    "Okay, how about that girl over there?" His friend responds. "She has a really big nose".

    The man walks over to the girl and asks, "Would you like to dance?"

    Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses "Would, I?! Would I?!"

    To which the man quickly responds "Big nose! Big nose!"
  • Hit The Brakes

    A young girl walks into a prestige car sales room. Looks around at all the Porsches, Lamborghini's, Jags etc., and says to the salesman, "Can I have the red one?" - a top of the range Porsche.

    "I'll pay cash!" and starts taking handfuls of bills out of a carrier bag until she gets to the right price.

    The deal is finalized very quickly and the girl drives it away.

    She is back two days later and says, "I want my money back... it smells awfully bad when I use the brakes," she states emphatically.

    Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books) the manager decides to ride in the car with her in case she is not driving it properly'.

    He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second gear at 55 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80 mph does a hand brake turn into a country lane and then really starts to accelerate.

    120 mph into 4th gear; 5th at 145 mph. The engine is screaming, trying to leap out of the hood when it reaches 170 mph. The scenery is a green blur and the G-force has him pinned in the seat. In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a train crossing are beginning to come down and she will have to slow down. Instead the pitch of the engine increases!

    100 yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car comes to a screeching halt only inches from the barrier.

    "Can you smell it?" she says.

  • What Kids Say About Beer

    Handful of 7 year Old Children were asked: What they thought of beer?
    Some interesting responses:

    "I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my Mom gets."
    --Tim, 7 years old

    "Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice."
    --Mellanie, 7 years old

    "My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties and gallops around, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny."
    --Grady, 7 years old

    ''My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing."
    --Toby, 7 years old

    "My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much."
    --Sarah, 7 years old

    "My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool"
    --Lilly, 7 years old

    "I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting."
    --Ethan, 7 years old

    "I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep."
    --Shirley, 7 years old

    "My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense."
    --Jack, 7 years old