• The New Job

    Billy-Bob walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!"
    The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, hm?"

    Billy-Bob says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!" The bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round.

    Monday evening arrives. Billy-Bob comes back into the bar and says, "Bartender, two rounds for everyone, on me!"

    The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"

    Billy-Bob looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says, "You mean they'll PAY me too?"
    Bar
  • Height of Automation

    Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?

    No sir, it's Google's Pizza.

    Did I dial the wrong number?

    No sir, Google bought the pizza store.

    Oh, alright - then I'd like to place an order please.

    Okay sir, do you want the usual?

    The usual? You know what my usual is?

    According to the caller ID, the last 15 times you've ordered a 12-slice with double-cheese, sausage, and thick crust.

    Okay - that's what I want this time too.

    May I suggest that this time you order an 8-slice with ricotta, arugula, and tomato instead?

    No, I hate vegetables.

    But your cholesterol is not good.

    How do you know?

    Through the subscribers guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

    Maybe so, but I don't want the pizza you suggest - I already take medicine for high cholesterol.

    But you haven't taken the medicine regularly. 4 months ago you purchased from Drugsale Network a box of only 30 tablets.

    I bought more from another drugstore.

    It's not showing on your credit card sir.

    I paid in cash.

    But according to your bank statement you did not withdraw that much cash.

    I have another source of cash.

    This is not showing on your last tax form, unless you got it from an undeclared income source.

    To HELL With your Pizza..!!! ENOUGH!! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and WhatsApp. I'm going to an island without internet, where there's no cellphone line, and no one to spy on me...

    I understand sir, but you'll need to renew your PASSPORT... it expired 5 weeks ago.
  • Spiritual Gift

    A minister of a church loved peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas.

    One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed as he unwrapped the homemade brandy. However, his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.

    So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church.

    That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.

    The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches... and for the spirit in which they were given!`
  • Too Young To Die

    On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through quite a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, the plane is bucking back and forth, pitching up and down and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

    One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

    "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

    For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

    Then a man from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, muscular, defined features with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

    He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.....one button at a time.

    No one moves...
    He removes his shirt...
    Muscles ripple across his huge chest and perfect abs...
    She gasps...

    He whispers..., "Iron this... and then get me a beer."