• Husband's Ashes

    Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her mother and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle.

    When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes," Stacey informs her New friend.

    However, this startles her so that she drops the vase with a gasp! ashes and broken vase scattering all around. After turning three shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't... Didn't Mean to..."

    "It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Asda."

    The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But ... But your Husband's' ashes..."

    "Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get himself up and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"
  • Truck For Sale

    A eighteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck???!!!"

    He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

    "With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

    "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just Fifty dollars."

    So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

    "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don"t know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."
    "Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

    So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!

    He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

    "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."
  • Prescription Drug

    A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

    The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

    The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

    The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

    The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
  • Your Dog Was Depressed

    Jason gets off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocks on his blind date's door. She opens it and is very beautiful and charming.

    "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she says. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

    The dog follows Jason onto the balcony and starts rolling over. Jason makes a hoop with his arms and Spot jumps through, over the balcony railing.

    Just then, Jason's date walks out. "Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

    "To tell the the truth, " he replies, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"