• Vampire Dream

    A blonde keeps having the same weird dream, so she goes to her psychologist.

    Psychologist: What is your dream about?

    Blonde: I am being chased by a vampire...

    Psychologist: So, where are you in this dream?

    Blonde: I am running in a hallway.

    Psychologist: Then what happens?

    Blonde: Well, that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happens. I always come to a door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it won't budge!

    Psychologist: Does the door have any letters on it?

    Blonde: Yes.

    Psychologist: And what do these letter spell?

    Blonde: P-U-L-L.
  • Influential Positions

    One day The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours.

    The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain. So the king and the queen went fishing.

    On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.

    The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time. I expect a huge rain storm."

    The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional.

    Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

    So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.

    Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist. Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

    The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that... it will rain."

    So the king hired the donkey.

    And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions.
  • What's the Time?

    Every Monday morning for years, at about 11:30 am, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time.

    One day the operator summed-up the nerve to ask him why the regularity.

    "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day, I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call you to get the exact time."

    The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time, we've been setting our clock by your whistle."
  • Can You Smell It?

    A young woman walks into a prestige car sales room. Looks around at all the Porsches, Lamborghini's, Jags etc., and says to the salesman.

    "Can I have the red one?" - a top of the range Porsche.

    "I'll pay cash!" and starts taking handfuls of cash out of a carrier bag until she gets to the right price.

    The deal is finalised very quickly and the girl drives it away.

    She is back 2 days later, "I want my money back... it smell awfully bad when I use the brakes," she states emphatically.

    Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books) the manager decides to ride in the car with her... in case she is not driving it properly.

    He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second gear at 55 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80mph does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to accelerate.

    120mph into 4th gear; 5th at 145mph. The engine is screaming, trying to leap out of the bonnet when it reaches 170mph. The scenery is a green blur the G-force has him pinned in the seat. In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a level crossing are beginning to come down and she will have to slow down (he thinks!) instead the pitch of the engine increases.

    100 yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car stops inches from the barrier.

    "Can you smell it?" she says.

    "SMELL IT? I'M SITTING IN IT!"