• Getting Married

    With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight."

    As expected, the wife wasn't happy at being imposed upon during what she imagined to be a quiet evening.

    His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!"

    The husband said, "I know all that."

    The wife looked on at him with incredulity. She wondered when she would ever get a little peace.

    "Why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife.

    The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."
  • Front Of A Tree

    A Norwegian applied for a job as a logger deep in the Canadian woods.

    The foreman took him into the bush to test his knowledge of logging. He stopped the truck, pointed at a tree, and said, "See that tree over there? Tell me its species and how many board feet of lumber are in it."

    The Norwegian immediately replied, "Dat dere's a sitka spruce, eh? And she got 383 board feet of lumber in 'er."

    The foreman was impressed. He drove a little farther, pointed at another tree, and asked the same question.

    "Lord tunderin'. Dat's yer Douglas fir. 690 board feet."

    They drove a little farther, and the foreman asked again.

    "Yeller cedar. 242 board feet."
    The foreman was surprised -- this Norwegian is correct and quick, not even using a calculator. He drove back to the office a little offended because the Norwegian is better at his game than he was. As they neared the office, the foreman figured out how to get the best of the new guy.

    He stopped the truck, handed the Norwegian a piece of chalk, and said, "See that tree over there? Mark an X on the front of it." The foreman thought, "How could he know which is the front of a tree?"

    The Norwegian walked around the tree looking at the ground, then reached up, and marked an X on its trunk. "Dat's da front a' dat tree, fer sure."

    The foreman laughed and asked sarcastically, "Now what makes you think that's the front of that tree?"

    The Norwegian looked down at his feet, rubbed the toe of one boot on the grass, and replied, "Cuz somebody took a crap behind it, eh!"

    He got the job and is now the foreman.
  • Salt & Pepper!

    At one Mensa convention, several members at a local cafe noticed the shaker with an S on top, for salt, contained pepper and their pepper shaker, with a P on top, was full of salt.

    How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling anything and using only the implements at hand? Clearly, here was the marvellous Mensa mystery!

    They presented ideas, debated them, and finally came up with what they felt was a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.

    They called the blonde waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

    "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker contains..."

    "Oh, sorry!" interrupted the blonde waitress. "Here," and she unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
  • Mind Your Own Business

    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

    Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

    "Careful... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

    "Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them!

    "Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

    The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

    The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!!!"