• Secret of Grandpa

    Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.

    Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

    "I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

    One friend further asked, "But your wife is also slim and energetic?"

    Grandpa said, "That is another secret, my wife use to follow me behind checking whether I go for 5 kms or sit in a park!!!"
  • Why Teachers Drink

    The following questions were in a UK grade 12 equivalent examination - (Purportedly genuine answers).

    Q. What is a turbine?
    A. Something an Arab or Sheikh wears on his head.

    Q. How is dew formed?
    A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

    Q. What are steroids?
    A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
    (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope.)

    Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
    A. Premature death.
    v Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
    A. Keep it in the cow.
    (Simple, but brilliant)

    Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)?
    A. The body consists of 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the 5 bowels... A, E, I, O, U

    Q. What is the fibula?
    A. A small lie.

    Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
    A. Nearby

    Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section.'
    A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

    Q. What is a seizure?
    A. A Roman Emperor.
    (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I conked out.)

    Q. What is a terminal illness?
    A. When you are sick at the airport.
    (Irrefutable)

    Q. Name the four seasons? A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

    No wonder Britain Brexited !!!
  • My Wife is Expecting

    A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend.

    "You see," he explained, "my wife's expecting."

    "Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck."

    The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation, "My wife's expecting."

    The Officer looked surprised.

    "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the weekend off."

    When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper.

    "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed.

    "Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She's still expecting."

    "What in heaven is she expecting?" cried the Officer.

    "Me," said the soldier simply.
  • Pass It On

    My husband, Michael, and I were at a restaurant with his boss, a rather stern older man. When Michael began a tale, which I was sure he had told before, I gave him a kick under the table. There was no response, so I gave him another poke. Still the story went on.

    Suddenly he stopped, grinned and said, "Oh, but I've told you this one before, haven't I?"

    We all chuckled and changed the subject. Later, on the dance floor, I asked my husband why it had taken him so long to get my message.

    "What do you mean?" he replied. "I cut the story off as soon as you kicked me."

    "But I kicked you twice and it still took you awhile to stop!"

    Suddenly we realized what had happened. Sheepishly we returned to our table. The boss smiled and said, "Don't worry. After the second one I figured it wasn't for me, so I passed it along!"