• Returning a Lost Phone

    When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.

    "Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."

    A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."

    "Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."
  • Father's Ashes!

    A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks.

    As he's standing there alone, he lights a cigarette. After a while he notices a cute little vase on the mantle. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.

    He says, "What's this?"

    She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

    He turns beet red in horror and goes, "Oh God no.... Oh!!! I just....."

    She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
  • Doubting Hubby's Character

    A Lady patient to the Doctor inside his examination room: Doctor can you please call my husband inside, I am not feeling comfortable.

    Doctor: Trust me lady, I am a Doctor and I am a Gentleman.

    Lady patient: No Sir, that's not the issue. Your beautiful receptionist is alone outside and my husband is neither a doctor nor a gentleman...!!!!!!
  • Working With God

    A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.

    During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"

    A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place--the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.

    "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"

    "Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but I have to tell you that God never turned up for work on one single day!"