• After God, Fear Women!

    Wife: Honey let's play a game.

    Husband: Okay. What's the game about?

    Wife: If I mention a country, you run to the left side of the room and touch the wall & if I mention a bird, you run to the right side of the room and touch the wall. If you run to the wrong direction, you'll give me all your salary for this month.

    Husband: Okay! And if you fail in your turn, I'll have your salary too right?

    Wife, smile: Yes darling!

    Husband: Okay (stands up ready to run in any direction)

    Wife: Are you ready???

    Husband: Yes ready...
    Wife: TURKEY.
    Its been 4 HOURS NOW... The Husband is still standing at the spot wondering if she meant the Country or the bird ??????? Moral lesson... After God, Fear Women!
  • The Best Cricket Sledges Ever

    Ian Chappell to Derek Underwood:
    England slow left-arm bowler Derek Underwood was hit on the hand while batting. Ian Chappell surprised Underwood with his concern.

    Chappell: How's the hand, which one was it?
    Underwood: It was my right.
    Chappell: That's a shame. We were aiming for the left.

    Ian Botham to Rodney Hogg:
    As Rodney Hogg bowled to Ian Botham he lost his balance and fell at the England player's feet.
    Botham: I know you think I'm great Hoggy, but no need to get down on your knees.

    Glenn McGrath to Michael Atherton:
    Australia's Glenn McGrath tried out an old Australian classic on England captain Michael Atherton, who fell for it hook, line and sinker.
    McGrath: Athers, it would help if you got rid of the shit at the end of your bat.
    Atherton looks at the bottom of his bat.
    McGrath: No, No, the other end.

    Merv Hughes to Graham Gooch:
    Hughes had sent several fast deliveries whistling past Graham Gooch, before dispatching the following verbal knockout punch.
    Hughes: I'll get you a fucking piano you Pommie poofta. Let's see if you can play that.

    Dennis Lillee to Mike Gatting:
    There's no easier target for a joke than an overweight man, as Dennis Lillee proved with the former England captain Mike Gatting.
    Lillee: Hell, Gatt, move out of the way, I can't see the stumps.

    Bill Woodfull to Douglas Jardine:
    In the infamous 'Bodyline' series, prim and proper England captain Douglas Jardine complained to Australian captain Bill Woodfull, having just been sworn at.
    Jardine: Your slip just swore at me.
    Woodfull: All right, which one of you bastards called this bastard a bastard?

    Phil Tufnell to The Umpire:
    An angry Phil Tufnell took his frustration out on the umpire after his appeal against Dean Jones was turned down.
    Tufnell: Are you bloody blind?
    Umpire: I beg your pardon?
    Tufnell: Are you fucking deaf as well?

    Michael Atherton to Ian Healey:
    Michael Atherton had the perfect reply for Ian Healy when accused of cheating.
    Healey: You're a fucking cheat.
    Atherton: When in Rome dear boy...

    Ian Botham to Rodney Marsh:
    As Ian Botham prepared to bat, Aussie wicket keeper Rodney Marsh decided to put him off and was metaphorically smashed out of the ground.
    Marsh: So how's your wife and my kids?
    Botham: The wife's fine - the kids are retarded.

    Javed Miandad to Merv Hughes:
    Javed Miandad called Hughes a fat bus conductor during a match. A few balls later, Hughes dismissed Miandad.
    Hughes: 'Tickets please' as he ran past the departing batsman.

    Glenn McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan:
    McGrath: So what does Brian Lara's dick taste like?
    Sarwan: I don't know. Ask your wife.
    McGrath: If you ever Fucking mention my wife again, I'll Fucking rip your Fucking throat out.

    Mike Whitney to Ravi Shastri:
    Shastri hits the ball towards substitute fielder Mike Whitney and looked for a single.
    Whitney: If you leave the crease i'll break your fucking head.
    Shastri: If you could bat as well as you can talk you wouldn't be the fucking 12th man.

    Fred Trueman to Raman Subba Row:
    Trueman was bowling and induced an edge to first slip but the ball went between Raman Subba Row's legs. The fieldsman apologised.
    Row: Sorry, Fred. I should've kept my legs together.
    Trueman: So should your mother.
  • When a Man Cooks!

    When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events is put into motion.

    Routine...
    1) The woman buys the food.
    2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes the dessert.
    3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
    4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three-meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
    v Here comes the important part:
    5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

    More Routine....
    6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
    7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.

    Important Again:
    8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

    More Routine...
    9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
    10) After eating, the woman clears the table and washes the dishes.
    And most important of all:
    11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
    12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off, and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....
  • Don't Mess With Your Wife

    After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

    "Now... We have an $800,000 home, a $65,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain."

    My wife is a very reasonable woman.

    She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

    Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.