• Magnet Fishing

    Three blonde fishermen are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.

    A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

    "We don't have any," replied the first fisherman.

    "Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden.

    "But officer," replied the second fisherman, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

    The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.

    "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want."

    And with that, the Game Warden left. As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three fishermen started laughing hysterically.

    "What a dumb Fish Cop," the fisherman, said to the other two.

    "Doesn't he know that there are Steelhead trout in this river?!"
  • Weapons of Mass Destruction

    Reporter: Why did you attack Iraq in the 90s?

    USA: Because we suspected that they had Weapons of Mass Destruction.

    Reporter: Why did you attack Syria now?

    USA: Because we suspect they have Weapons of Mass Destruction.

    Reporter: Why didn't you attack North Korea then?

    USA: Are you stupid or what? Because they really have Weapons of Mass Destruction.
  • The wrong side of the bed

    A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast.

    On his way there two nuns look at him and he says, "Good morning sisters" and they reply in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

    This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he just goes on.

    He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says, "Good morning Brother."

    The Brother replies in a sing song voice, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

    The priest looks confused at all this but goes on.

    He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, "Good morning Father."

    The priest replies in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

    Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dinning hall not saying a word to anyone.

    The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ..."

    The young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop.

    He looks at the bishop and says, "No I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

    The bishop looks at him stunned and says "What?"

    The priest realized his mistake and said "I am sorry your holiness, what is it you want."

    The bishop looks at him and says, "All I was going to do was ask you why you had on Sister Ann's shoes?"
  • How To Call The Police

    An elderly man was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. He opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

    He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?"

    He said, "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me!"

    Then the police dispatcher said, "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

    George said, "Okay."

    He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again, "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.

    Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

    One of the policemen said to the man, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

    He replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available?"