• Water Landing!

    A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly looses engine power and the aircraft begins to decent. The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them.

    Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door.

    The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!"

    "Of course I heard you," the man replied, "but it's also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!"
  • What Do You Have?

    A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
    The bartender says "What can I get you?"

    Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?

    Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd):
    No, I'm afraid we don't.

    And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.

    The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on a bar stool.
    Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you?

    Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?

    Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren't you in here yesterday. Look buddy, we don't have any grapes. OK?
    The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.

    The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses when he hears a familiar voice
    Duck: Umm.. Do you have any grapes?

    The bartender is really ticked off.
    Bartender: Look. What's your problem? You came in here yesterday asking for grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES!! Next time I see your little ducktail waddle in here I'm going to nail those little webbed feet of yours to the floor. GOT me pal?

    And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out.

    The NEXT day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walks up to the bartender and the bartender says,
    "What the heck do YOU want?"

    Duck: Umm. do you have any nails?

    Bartender: What!? OF course not.

    Duck: Oh. Well, do you have any grapes?
  • Severe Punishment!

    A man got a parrot which could already talk. It had belonged to a sailor and had a big vocabulary. However, the man soon discovered that the parrot mostly knows bad words. At first, he thought it was funny, but then it became tiresome, and finally, when the man had important guests, the bird's bad words embarrassed him very much.

    As soon as the guests left, the man angrily shouted at the parrot, "That language must stop!". But the bird answered him with curses. He shook the bird and shouted again, "Don't use those ugly words!" Again the bird cursed him.

    Now the man was really angry. He grabbed the parrot and threw him into the refrigerator. But it had no effect. From inside the refrigerator,the parrot was still swearing. He opened the door and took him out, and again the bird spoke in dirty words and curses. This time, the man opened the door of the freezer , threw the bird into it, and closed the door.

    This time there was silence. After two minutes, the man opened the door and removed the very cold parrot. Slowly the shivering parrot walked up the man's arm, sat on his shoulder and spoke into his ear, sounding very frightened, "I'll be good, I promise...Those chickens in there... what did they say?"
  • Santa Ke Kisse

    Santa Apni Biwi Ke Saath So Raha Tha Tabhi Achanak Bolta Hai: Bheega Sa Lagta Hai Aalam Mujhe, Bheegi Si Lagti Hai Subah Mujhe, Bheega Lag Raha Hai Saara Jahan Mujhe... Bheega
    Jeeto: Kisne Kaha Tha Ki Raat Ko Daba Kar Beer Piyo... Oye Shayar Ki Aulad Tumne Bistar Pe Peshaab Kar Diya Hai.

    Santa Ko Loose Motions Ki Problem Ho Gayi Toh Vo Doctor Ke Paas Gaya Aur Bola: Doctor Ji, Mere Dast Rukne Ka Naam Nahin Le Rahe, Kuch Achcha Sa Ilaaz Bataiiye.
    Doctoe: Tumne Kela Try Kiya Tha?
    Santa: Haan Doctor Saab, Kiya Toh Tha... Lekin Jab Nikaala Toh Phir Suru Ho Gaye.

    Biwi Se Pareshaan Santa Ne Suicide Karne Ki Decide Kar Liya Aur Paanchve Floor Se Kudne Hi Waala Tha Ki Uski Biwi Ne Andar Se Awaaz Lagayi: Aji Sunte Ho, Meri Kuch College Days Ki Friends Aayi Hain... Andar Aa Jao... Aapki Pechaan Karwa Deti Hun Sab Se...
    Santa: Haan... Haan... Ek Minute Mein Aaaya.

    Santa Ka Promotion Hua Aur Vo Apni Company Mein Manager Ban Gaya. Ghar Aatey Hi Apni Biwi Jeeto Se Bola: O Jeeto Ji, Ab Tum Ek Manager Ke Saath Ghumogi Aur Shopping Karogi Aur Movies Dekhogi Aur Aish Karogi...
    Jeeto, Khusi Se: Achcha... Sach Mein... Kis Ke Saath... Sharma Ji Ke Saath Ya Gupta Ki Saath...???

    Ek Bike Waale Ne Address Puchne Ke Liye Santa Se Pucha: Excuse Me.... Mujhe Rose Garden Jaana Hai...
    Santa: Toh Jaa Na Bhai... Aise Sabko Ruk-Ruk Ke Batayega Toh Pahunchga Kab?

    Bhikhari: 10 Rs Ka Sawaal Hai!
    Santa: Pucho... Pucho... Kya Pata Mujhe Aate Hi Ho!!
    Us Din Se Bhikhari Ne Bheekha Maangna Chod Di....