• A 65 year Old Mom

    With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth.

    When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

    "May we see the new baby?" one asked.

    "Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

    Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

    "No, not yet," said the mother.

    After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

    "No, not yet," replied the mother.

    Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

    "WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

    "Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"

    "BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM. O.K.?"
  • Flying Monkey!

    Three scientists in Brunswick, Maine, were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for 2 weeks.

    But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go.

    A week after the experiment had started they began to realize WHY the idea had never been tried, they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out.

    One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go.

    The big day arrived, they set up all the monitoring equipment and set out to a safe distance.

    The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer.

    They heard a loud roar, but there was no visual evidence. The three scientists returned dejectedly to their lab.

    The next morning in their local paper, they saw the headline saying: "Shit storms in Texas...... Flying monkey kills cow."
  • Hard To Hear

    At church, Joe was in charge of taking up the offerings. One Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found it was smaller than anticipated. So he questioned Joe. He told him that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation. Joe said that he did not take any of the offering. The priest again questioned him and again he said that he did not take any of the offering.

    So the priest said "get in the confessional" which Joe did.

    Then the priest asked Joe, "Did you take any of the offering?" and this time Joe said, "I can't hear you."

    Again the priest asked, "Joe did you take any of the offering?" Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you."

    This time the priest yelled, "JOE DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?!?"

    Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you."

    By this time the priest was getting a little angry so he came out of the confessional and said, "Joe trade places with me and you can ask me a question."

    So they traded places and Joe asked.,"I hear that you and my wife are messing around. Is that true?"

    To which the priest answered, "By golly, you can't hear in here!"
  • Deer Hunting

    It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season.

    He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

    Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"

    Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"

    Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.

    They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

    Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.

    But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, "Get away from my deer!"

    Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire.

    Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"
ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT