• Dating a Cat

    Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

    The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

    The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

    The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

    The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this. I've got a date with the cat."
  • We Share Everything

    An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.

    The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife.

    He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them.

    As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering: That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.

    As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple.

    The old man replies that they`re just fine - they`re just used to sharing everything. The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

    Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.

    This time the old woman says, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

    As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks, "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?" The old woman answers..., "THE TEETH."
  • Childbirth at 65

    With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

    "May I see the new baby?" I asked

    "Not yet," She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

    Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, "May I see the new baby now?"

    "No, not yet," She said.

    After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, "May I see the baby now?"

    "No, not yet,"' replied my friend.

    Growing very impatient, I asked, "Well, when can I see the baby?"

    "WHEN HE CRIES!" she told me.

    "WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?"

    "BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, OK?!!!"
  • Weather Cows

    A Midwest farmer was describing his lifestyle to a touring group of city folks. "One of the benefits of this profession," he explained, "is that we have built-in weather predictions."

    "What do you mean by that?" asked one inquisitive visitor.

    "When the cows are standing," the farmer explained, "it means no rain is likely for the next twenty-four hours. When they're lying down, it means it's going to rain."

    "On our bus trip," another visitor piped in, "I saw half the herd standing and the other half lying down. What does that mean?"

    The farmer flashed a smile and answered, "That means half of them are wrong."