• American Customs!!!

    A China-man decides to retire and move to USA after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He bought a home on a small piece of land.

    A few days after moving in the friendly American neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the China-man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

    The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and see the China-man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

    A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the China-man leading a bull down the drive-way, ...pause..., and then put his left ear next to the bull's butt.

    The American bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the China-man and says, "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's butt, it could just about shit on you."

    The China man is very taken back and says, "Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs. I doing, these American Customs." "What do you mean?" says the neighbour, "Those aren't American customs."

    Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the China-man, "He say to become true American, I must learn to... chase chicks, ... get piss drunk, and ... listen to bull-shit.
  • OLD Is When....

    'OLD' IS WHEN...
    Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

    'OLD' IS WHEN...
    Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

    'OLD' IS WHEN...
    Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

    'OLD' IS WHEN....
    You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

    'OLD' IS WHEN....
    You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

    'OLD' IS WHEN...
    'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

    'OLD' IS WHEN....
    'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot...

    'OLD' IS WHEN...
    An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

    'OLD' IS WHEN....
    You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.
  • Alcohol Tolerance

    Easy steps to check your Daaru tolerance:
    Drink 1st peg and check the photo of your wife in your wallet.

    Drink 2nd peg and do the same thing.

    Drink 3rd peg and recheck.

    Drink 4th peg and recheck.

    If your wife starts looking beautiful, innocent & attractive, stop it there and there itself. These are indications that you hve consumed alchohol more than your normal capacity and its time to go home.

    Statutory Warning:
    If your wife starts looking beautiful, sexy and innocent in the 1st peg itself, than you're checking some one else's wallet!
  • Pluck Yew!

    The History of the Middle Finger:

    Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified.

    Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future.

    This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

    Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and they began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!

    Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentalfricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'

    And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing. Didn't yew!!