• Wife's Expecting

    A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend.

    "You see," he explained, "my wife's expecting."

    "Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck."

    The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation, "My wife's expecting."

    The Officer looked surprised, "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the weekend off."

    When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper, "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed.

    "Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She's still expecting."

    "What in heaven is she expecting?" cried the Officer.

    "Me," said the soldier simply.
  • Wearing Seatbelt Incorrectly

    A woman who was driving down the highway pulled over to the side of the road when the policeman driving behind her turned on his lights and siren.

    She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quietly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.

    After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"

    "Yes, I do, officer," she politely replied.

    "Interesting," said the officer. "Do you always loop it through your steering wheel like that?"
  • Salary Negotiation

    Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

    Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

    Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this firm for over ten years.

    Boss: Yes.

    Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

    Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

    Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

    Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

    Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

    Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

    Employee: Oh, the electric company, gas company, water company and the mortgage company!
  • Santa-Jeeto Jokes

    Khaana Khaate Huye Santa Ne Jeeto Ko Aawaz Lagaai Aur Pucha: Bhagyawan...! Yeh Jo Tumne Sabji Banaai Hai Ise Kya Kehte Hain?
    Jeeto: Kyun, Kisliye Poochh Rahe Ho?
    Santa: Arrey Bhai Mujhse Bhi Toh Swarg Mein Poochha Jayega Ki Kya Kha Ke Mare The?

    Ek Baar Santa Aur Jeeto Chori Ke Topic Par Baat Kar Rahe The.
    Santa: Jo Insan Chori Karta Hai, Wo Baad Mein Zaroor Pachhtaata Hai.
    Jeeto (Romantic Mood Mein): Aur Tumne Jo Shaadi Se Pehle Meri Neendein Churaai Thi Unke Baare Mein Kya Khayal Hai?
    Santa: Keh Toh Raha Hoon, Jo Chori Karta Hai Wo Baad Mein Pachhtata Zaroor Hai.

    Ek Baar Jeeto Ne Santa Se Pucha: Agar Main Aapko 2-3 Din Na Dikhoon Toh Aapko Kaisa Lagega??
    Santa Se Khushi Ke Maare Raha Nahi Gaya Aur Usne Bhi Bol Diya: Bahut Achcha Lagega.
    Jeeto Ko Bada Gussa Aaya... Bas Phir Kya Tha....
    Jeeto Monday Ko Nahi Dikhi.
    Tuesday Ko Nahi Dikhi.
    Wednesday Ko Nahi Dikhi.
    Thursday Ko Bhi Nahi Dikhi.
    Aur Phir Friday Ko Jab Santa Ki Aankh Ki Soojan Zara Si Kam Huyi Toh Thodi Thodi, Dhundli Si Dikhai Di.

    Santa Ki Wife Ka Baby Hone Wala Thha So Hospital Mein Admit Thhi.
    Nurse: Mubarak Ho Aap Ke Ghar Ladka Paida Hua Hai.
    Santa: Wah Ji Wah Kya Technology Hai, Biwi Meri Hospital Hai, Aur Bachcha Mere Ghar Paida Hua Hai.