• One Eared Admiral

    A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Navy and eventually became an Admiral. During his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

    One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview.

    At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

    The Master Chief answered, "I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."

    The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

    The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear."

    The Admiral threw him out also.

    The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral went ahead with the same question.

    "Do you notice anything different about me?"

    To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes sir you wear contact lenses."

    The Admiral, impressed thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.

    The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fuckin ear."
  • Laws of Life

    1. Law of the Theatre:
    At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

    2. Law of Coffee:
    As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

    3. Murphy's Law of Lockers:
    If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

    4. Law of Rugs/Carpets:
    The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

    5. Law of Location:
    No matter where you go, there you are.

    6. Law of Logical Argument:
    Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

    7. Brown's Law:
    If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

    8. Oliver's Law:
    A closed mouth gathers no feet.

    9. Wilson's Law:
    As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. (this one is true every time!)

    10. Doctors' Law:
    If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
  • The Best Dressed Mom

    Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce.

    Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride ever!

    A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.

    "Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

    Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

    A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.

    When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

    Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."
  • Fart Personalities

    Personality according to how you fart.
    The intelligent person: One who can determine from the smell of his neighbour's fart precisely the latest food items consumed.

    The sadistic person: One who farts in bed and then fluffs the cover over his bed-mate.

    The strategic person: One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.

    The antisocial person: One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.

    The thrifty person: One who always has several farts in his reserve.

    The foolish person: One who suppresses his farts for hours and hours.

    The dishonest person: One who farts and blames the dog.

    The nervous person: One who stops in the middle of a fart.

    The scientific person: One who farts frequently but is truly concerned for the environment.

    The unfortunate person: One who tries hard to fart but shits instead.

    The shy person: One who releases silent farts then blushes.

    The amiable person: One who loves the smell of other people's farts.

    The proud person: One who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine.

    The vain person: One who loves the smell of his own farts.
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