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Before and After Marriage

BEFORE: You take my breath away.
AFTER: I feel like I'm suffocating.

BEFORE: She says she loves the way I take control of the situation.
AFTER: She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac.

BEFORE: He makes me feel like a million dollars.
AFTER: If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

BEFORE: The Sound of Music.
AFTER: The Sound of Silence.

BEFORE: It's like I'm in a dream.
AFTER: It's like he's in a dorm.

BEFORE: We agree on everything!
AFTER: Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

BEFORE: Charming and Noble.
AFTER: Chernobyl.

BEFORE: Ideal.
AFTER: Idle.

BEFORE: I love a woman with curves.
AFTER: I never said you were fat.

BEFORE: He's completely lost without me.
AFTER: Why won't he ever ask for directions?

BEFORE: Time stood still.
AFTER: This relationship is going nowhere.

BEFORE: Blind.
AFTER: Nearsighted.

BEFORE: You look so seductive in black.
AFTER: Your clothes are so depressing.

BEFORE: I can hardly believe we found each other.
AFTER: I can't believe I ended up with someone like you.

Family Introduction

A man from UP is introducing his family:

1. Ee hai hamaar biwi..... Google Raani... Ek sawal poocho toh 10 jawab deti hai...!!!

2. Ee hai hamaar bitwa.... Facebook Kumar... Ghar ki baat sare colony tak pahuchata hai...!!!

3. Ee hai hamaar bitiya .... Twitter Kumari... Poori colony isko folow karti hai...!!!

4. Ee hai hamaar ammaji.. Whatsapp mata- pura din bud bud karti rehti hai..!!!

5. Aur hum... Hum hain Orkut Kumar... Hamka koi puchhta hi nahi...!!!

Funny Matrimonial Ads

LAWYER:
I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of husband after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl. The girl should be willing to surender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself. Any objection would be overruled and will not be sustained.
Apply in confidence and if you have the confidence.

BOATMAN:
Must be able to dig, clean, cook worms and clean fish. Must have own boat with motor. Plaese send the photograph of motorboat.

BANKER:
Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.

SHAYAR:
Badi muddat ke baad ek arzoo jaagi hai,
Ki hum bhi shadi shuda ho jaye,
Kya vajah shadi karane ki jo kahde sahi sahi,
To yaron ab khud se kaam ghar ka hota nahi.

BEVDA:
Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a soda factory. I am an occasional alchoholic who drinks only when friends come home. Friend come home only seven times a week.Girl preferred who can carry me from bar to ghar-bar. Meet personally or send soda for trial. Sample should be ample.

CAR MECHANIC:
Wanted a sturdy wife. Should be in working condition. Should be above average and must run the household at a good average. Dent won't be tolerated especially in the head gear.

DOCTOR:
Recently a love-bug injected in me a strange bacteria, making me desirous of marriage. I'm looking for a girl who is patient and has knowledge of all ills and pills, is religious minded and keeps away from all sins be it anasin, metasin or crosin. I promise to be a good doctor with no side effects. Apply or reply.

Football or Cricket World Cup?

A boy's status on FB: Bye Bye Mexico!

Girl 1 comments: Wow! When did you go to Mexico?

Girl 2 comments: Yesterday, you were in Spain.

Girl 3 comments: So touring all Spanish speaking countries.

Boy: Girls, Spain and Mexico have been eliminated from the World Cup.

Girl 4: Don't make me a fool, I Know Spain and Mexico were never part of the World Cup. Even we follow a bit of Cricket!

Quotes

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.

Trivia

Mary Gibbs (voice of Boo in Monsters Inc.) was too young to sit to record her lines, so they followed her around with a mike.

Graffiti

The old songs are best because nobody sings them any more.