|A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbou
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this."
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard... let's see how THEY like all the barking!"
|A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not rung in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with a main computer, he phoned the employee's home number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello?"|
"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I speak to him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk to an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"
"Well may I speak to her, then?"
Again the small voice whispered,"No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what the police would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak to the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered reply.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background coming down the phone, the boss asked, "What's that noise?"
"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
"What,s going on there?" demanded the boss, now really apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team has just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "ME!"
|Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies. Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C. Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.|
Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. Get lots of fresh air.
Open windows whenever possible. Get plenty of rest. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Take the doctor's office approach. Think about it... When you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol. Why?
Because alcohol kills germs.
I walk to the liquor store (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona (fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio (fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh (eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...
If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!!!!
My grandmother always said, "A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!"
|A Pole, an Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers-to-be, are pacing nervously in the Maternity Ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby.|
"Is it yours?" she asks the Italian.
"Certainly not," he retorts.
"Yours?" she asks the Pole, who vigorously denies paternity.
"How about you?" she asks the Jew.
"Maybe," he says, glumly. "My wife burns everything."