• Water or Whiskey?

    The Irish priest was at the altar one dreary Sunday morning, addressing his congregation with a vehement sermon that alcohol was the work of the devil.

    "As an example," he stated during his sermon, "If you were to lead a donkey to a bowl of water and a bowl of whiskey, from which would he drink?"

    A grizzled old Mick at the back of the church spoke up, "Aye, Father, for sure he'd drink from the water."

    The priest, elated, said, "Very good, my son. And can you tell me WHY he'd drink from the water?"

    The Irishman at the back of the church replied, "Sure, I can tell ye' why, Father. Because he's an ass!"
  • Patient Will Live but...

    On a busy Med/Surg floor the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a patient's condition. "This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exactly."

    The doctor then began listing orders:
    "You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first. He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours. He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between.

    "Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day. Give range of motion every thirty minutes. He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour. Feed him something tasty every hour. Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times.

    "Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes. You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well."

    The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient's room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the patient.

    The nurse started, "The doctor said that you will live." Then quickly reviewing the orders, the nurse added, "But you will have to learn a new sport."
  • Treating Chronic Bronchitis

    A victim of chronic bronchitis called on a well-known physician to be examined. The doctor, after careful questioning, assured the patient that the ailment would respond readily to treatment.

    "You're so sure," the sufferer inquired, "I suppose you must have had a great deal of experience with this disease."

    The physician smiled wisely, and answered in a most confidential manner, "Why, my dear sir, I've had bronchitis myself for more than fifteen years."
  • A Talking Frog

    A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

    He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

    The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week."

    The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

    The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want."

    Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

    Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

    The man said, "Look, I'm a Software Engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."