A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the Pope, and a pilot were on a plane.
The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them.
The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped.
The pope told the brunette to take the last one.
The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!"
John was talking to his fiance, Rebecca.
He said, "Be honest, now, baby. How am I as a lover?"
To which she replied, "Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm."
"Really?" he said excitedly.
"Yes, in fact I would say that you're the dictionary definition of the word 'warm'."
John was pleased until he went home and, just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, "WARM: Not so hot."
On his first visit to a girl's house, a guy waited in the living room while she prepared a snack in the kitchen.
Left alone, he noticed a small, attractive vase on the mantelpiece. He picked it up and was looking at it when the girl walked back in.
"What's this?" he asked.
"Oh, my father's ashes are in there," she said.
"Oh! I'm so sorry..."
"Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen and get an ashtray."
There was a married blonde who was very concerned about her stupidity to her husband, so she decides to make it up to him by painting the house while he's at work.
When her husband came home, the house was suspiciously green and smelled like paint, so he went to her wife to see what's going on. When he went in the bedroom, she was still painting while she was wearing a ski jacket over a leather jacket.
The husband said, "I like what you did to the house, but why are you wearing a ski jacket over a leather jacket?"
The blonde responds, "When I was reading the instructions on the can, it said 'FOR BEST RESULTS, USE TWO COATS!'"