• Tales or Tails?

    A seafood restaurant had a sign in the window that read, "Big Lobster Tales, $5 each."

    Amazed at the great value, a man stopped in and asked the waitress, "Five dollars each for lobster tails. Is that correct?"

    "Yes," she said. "It's our special just for today."

    "Well," he said, "They must be little lobster tails."

    "No," she replied, "It's the really big lobster."

    "Big red lobster tails, $5 each"? he said, amazed. "They must be old lobster tails!"

    "No, they're definitely today's."

    "Today's big red lobster tails, $5 each?" he repeated, astounded.
    "Yes," she insisted.

    "Well, here's my five dollars," he said. "I'll take one."

    She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him and said, "Once upon a time, there was a really big, red lobster..."
  • Live-in Maid

    A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. They hired a lovely lass for the job.

    She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quite.

    "But why?" asked the disappointed wife.

    She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant."

    The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay."

    She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.

    After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.

    In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby.

    She worked for a week or two, but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time."

    "Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.

    "No," she said, "I just can't handle all these damned kids."
  • The Cursing Nun

    This guy unexpectedly got the day off and decided he would spend it on the golf course. After arriving at the club house, he was told that the only way he could play today was if he was willing to play along with three nuns.

    He agreed and set off with the nuns in tow. At the first hole he said, after you, and the nuns insisted that he go first. He took a giant swing and sliced it into a nearby bunker.

    "Goddammit!" he said.

    "Oh, my, please refrain from using that kind of language around us." said the nun.

    "I'm so sorry, ma'am, it won't happen again."

    The nun gets up to the tee and her ball travels about twenty yards, hits a tree, and bounces back and glances off her shin into a rose bush behind them.

    "Well shit, Goddamn, hell, fcuk!" exclaims the nun.

    "Hey, what did you tell me about that?" asks the man.
    "Yeah, well, you didn't hit a fcukin' tree."
  • Hoya! Hoya!

    A politician gives a stump speech in an Indian reservation, trying to garner the Native American ballot.

    "If elected, I promise better education for Native Americans," he says.

    The crowd goes wild, calling out: "Hoya! Hoya!"

    Guy doesn't know what the word means, but he figures, hey, they look excited, so he goes on.

    "I promise to propose legislation permitting a casino to be built on this reservation," he says.

    The crowd gets even more frenzied, and keeps shouting "Hoya!" over and over.

    Encouraged by the cheers, he finishes his speech, "And if elected, I promise to ensure better health care and employment options for Native Americans!"

    The crowd is at a fever pitch, stamping their feet and yelling "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

    His speech finished, the guy shakes some hands, kisses some babies, and decides to go on a tour of the reservation before hitting the campaign trail again.

    Guy comes across a huge herd of cattle, and says to his guide, "I was raised on a ranch, and I've always loved cattle. Mind if I go over and get a closer look?"

    "Sure," says the guide, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."