• Turn Off Your Cell Phone

    I went to the movies the other night and sat in an aisle seat, as I usually do, because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.

    "Excuse me. Sorry! Oops. Excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry. Oops! Excuse me."

    By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"

    "No!" she said in a loud whisper. "The 'Turn Off Your Cell Phone, Please' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car.
  • Irresistible to Women

    Finding a bottle on the beach, Jake uncorks it and releases a genie.

    "Ah, now you get three wishes," says the genie.

    "Great!" Jake replies. "First, I want one billion dollars."

    Poof! There's a flash, and a paper with Swiss bank account numbers appears in Jake's hand.

    "Next, I want a nice ocean-side house in Hawaii."

    Poof! Another flash, and he is holding the deed to an ocean side property in Hawaii.

    "Finally," Jake says, "I want to be irresistible to women."

    Poof! There's another blinding flash ...and Jake turns into a box of chocolates.
  • Briefcase & the Miniskirt

    Tokyo, Japan
    A man was walking past a young girl, when a jagged edge of his briefcase accidentally tore her mini skirt.
    Before the man could apologize, the girl bowed deeply, and said,"I humbly apologize for this error. The quality of my skirt is not good."
    Then she took out a pin, put the skirt back together and left.

    New York, USA
    Before the man could react, the woman pulled out a business card and gave it to him saying, "This is my lawyer's card. He will contact you about this sexual harassment matter. See you in court, buddy!"

    London, England
    Before the man could react, the girl quickly covered the torn spot with a newspaper, and said with a blush on her face, "Do you mind taking me home, sir? I live not far away."
    The Englishman took his jacket off, put it on her, called a cab and took her home safely.

    Paris, France
    Before the man could react, the girl murmured with a smile,"A red rose can best convey your apology, monsieur."
    The Frenchman bought her a rose, and then they went to a nearby cafe, drank some wine.

    Sydney, Australia
    Before the man could apologize, the girl turned around, took out a hunting knife, ripped the side of his trousers and said; "OK, now we're even, mate"

    Shanghai, China
    Before the man could say anything, the police came and took him away to labour camp.

    New Delhi, India
    Before the man could apologize, 10 TV anchors came yelling, "We are the first TV channel to bring you this outrageous event. This is exclusive. How the modesty of a poor girl was violated in open public by a dark soul with a black briefcase. We assure you, we shall track this sordid story to the very end. India wants to know !The nation is watching ! The PM must answer !"
  • Curing Constipation

    Wilford went to the doctor for constipation. He explained to the doc that it had several days since he had a bowel movement and it was getting rather painful.

    After examining Wilford the doctor said, "Lets see, you live out of town don't you?"

    Wilford nodded.

    "Okay, you drive the speed limit of 30 mph to the city limits and turn off on a farm to market road and drive 55 mph for 6 miles?"

    Again Wilford nodded.

    "Then you turn onto a dirt road and drive about 20 mph for 2 miles to your house, is that correct?"

    Once more Wilford nodded.

    "Okay, I'm going to give you this powerful laxative and you need to go straight home. Do not stop anywhere or drive any slower."

    So Wilford drove home exactly as the doctor said.

    A few days later, Wilford saw the doctor up town and stated, "Doc, you should have been an engineer or mathematician. I can't believe how accurate you were with the directions on that laxative."

    Doc said, "I glad you are feeling better. So, you made it just fine to the toilet?"

    "No, explained Wilford, you were 3 feet short."