One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.
The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten to kill you?"
"No," replied the nervous immigrant.
"Did you hear her tell someone else that she`s gonna kill you?"
"Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?"
"Then why did you think she`s gonna kill you?" asked the exasperated police officer.
"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!"
He handed the police officer the suspect bottle. The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.
The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can`t you see the label on bottle said `Polish Remover`?"
Back in the days of the old Wild Wild West lived a guy named Ted who used to have a lot of fun.
He rode into town like he usually did every Saturday night, and he went into the saloon and got drunk. All of his friends saw him drinking and decided to play a trick on him. So, they went outside and turned the saddle on his horse around. That way they figured when he got outside drunk and they put him on there, he would get on home the best way he could!
So when it was time, he got real drunk and staggered outside, got up on his horse and rode off.
The next morning when he woke up he says, "My goodness!"
And his wife says, "What's a matter dear, don't you feel alright?"
He said, "Yeah, but I sure had a tough time getting home last night. Some son of a gun cut my horses head off, and I had to guide him all the way home with my finger sticking in his windpipe!"
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
"What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Ouch," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful! I had tennis elbow once."
Almost all of Nevada City, CA, lost power for 30 minutes this spring when a branch blew off a tree and hit a Pacific Gas & Electric power line.
The Grass Valley Union newspaper reported the outage delayed the trial of PG&E for failing to trim vegetation around power lines as required by the state.