Random Jokes

A new supermarket opened in Orlando, Florida. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Santa lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the Inspector`s and said, "You`ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the Inspector.
"I don`t care, just do something about those drivers!"
So the next day he had the local workers go out and erect a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Santa called the Inspector and said, "You`ve got to do something about these drivers. The `school crossing` sign seems to make them go faster."
So, again, he sends out the workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
And that really sped them up. So Santa called and called and called everyday for three weeks.
Finally, he asked, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?"
Inspector told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let Santa do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, after that he got no more calls from Santa.
Three weeks after Santa`s last call, the Inspector decided to call him.
"How`s the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I`ve got to go. I`m very busy." And he hung up the phone. The Inspector thought to himself, "I`d better go to that farmer`s house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers." So hedrove out to Santa`s house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words:
SLOW: NUDIST COLONY

Santa is sitting at the coffee shop, staring morosely into his coffee.
Banta walks in and sits down. After trying to start a conversation several times and getting only distracted grunts, he asks Santa what the problem is.
"Well," said Santa, "I ran afoul of one of those questions my wife asks. Now I'm in deep trouble at home."
"What kind of question?" asked Banta.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her if when she was old, fat and ugly." "That's easy," said Banta. "You just say 'Of course I will!"
"Yeah," said Santa, "that's what I did, except I said 'Of course I DO.'"

In his autobiography, "Treasure in clay", Bishop Fulton Sheen tells of getting lost in Philadelphia on his way to a lecture at the Town Hall.
"I stopped to ask a few boys for directions. They told me where the Town Hall was and then asked, What are you going to do there?"

Bishop said, "I am giving a lecture on heaven and how to get there. Would you like to come and find out?"
You re kidding; one boy said, "You don t even know the way to the Town Hall."