• A Genuine Blonde

    A blonde went into a pet shop and asked the owner if he had any parrots. The owner replied, "Sorry, I don't have any at the moment."

    "Damn!" said the blonde, "I've been invited to a fancy masquerade party for the first time in my life, and I've been told to be as authentic as possible. I'm going as a pirate, and that's why I need the parrot,` explained the blonde.

    "Well" said the owner, "if you come back here next week, specifically on Thursday, I am expecting a shipment from South America and I'll be able to supply you with a parrot, guaranteed."

    "Damn!" said the blonde, "I can't come on that day or for some time after."

    "Why not?" Asked the owner.

    "Because that is the day I'm having my leg amputated!"
  • No Longer a Virgin

    Pauly's family is at dinner, the 10-year-old daughter isn't eating much, and she just keeps her head down.

    After a few minutes, she says, "I have something to tell you."

    Everyone gets silent and they all listen.

    "I am no longer the virgin I used to be." And she begins to cry.

    A long silence, and Mr Pauly speaks to Mrs Pauly, "It's your fault, you know, always dressed and made up like a tramp. You think that's an example for your daughter? Always wallowing on the sofa; it's just terrible; that's why problems like this come up!"

    Then Mrs Pauly lights in on Mr Pauly, "And you! Do you think that you're a good example? Wasting your scrawny paycheck with your drinking buddies who even come drunk into the house - do you think that's a good example for a little girl 10 years old?"

    Then Pauly charges back in, "And her sister, that no-good, with her hairy and dope-crazed boyfriend, always with their hands all over each other - you think that's a good example too?"

    And it goes on and on, back and forth. Then the grandmother hugs the little girl to console her and asks, "Now, darling, how did this happen?

    And the little girl answers, trying to hold back her sobbing, "Father Michael chose another girl to be the Virgin in the Christmas pageant this year."
  • What a Hoot!

    Each evening bird-lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl. One night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation."

    Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next-door neighbor.

    "My husband spends his nights... calling out to owls," she said.

    "That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband.
  • Pissing and Moaning!

    An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called... and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

    The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found.....

    1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

    2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

    3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

    4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
    5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

    Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.