A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.
The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear.
She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament.
The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed."
On the New Year eve I was sitting with my wife on the deck, enjoying a glass of wine.
I said, "I love you so much, I could not live without you."
My wife said, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
I said, "It's me talking to the wine."
Dear Abby, I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
"Dear Sam, Yes. Run for public office," suggested Abby.
A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double scotch on the rocks.
After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch.
After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double scotch.
Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order another."
The customer replied, "I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."