• The Master Stroke

    A Kung Fu student asks teacher, "Master, why my ability does not evolve, and I'm always defeated?"

    And the master patiently answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seem like flames?"

    "Yes, my master, I have."

    "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones but without taking anything out of its proper place?"

    "Yes, my master, I have already witnessed it."

    "Then the moon .. when it touches the calm water reflecting all its enormous beauty?"

    "Yes, my master, I have also observed this marvelous phenomenon."

    "That is the problem. You keep watching all this instead of training."
  • Driving in Mist & Fog

    A businessman is hurrying home on the motorway after a hard days work when he is stopped by a policeman.

    "Do you know you were driving 30 mph over the limit?" asks the policeman.

    "Eh, actually no, officer, it's a big car and it just sort of coasts along... you know."

    "And what were you planning on doing if you met Mr Fog?" demands the policeman.

    "Well," says the businessman, thinking it best to play along, "I suppose I'd ease off on Mr Accelerator, and switch on Mr Headlights and Mr Windscreen wipers."

    The policeman leans in the window and eyeballs the businessman. "I asked you what you were planning on doing if you met MIST OR FOG!"

    And threw the book at him.
  • Retired Gujaritis

    Four retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timers Bar - ALL DRINKS 10p. They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.

    The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

    There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a pint of bitter. In no time the bartender serves up four frothing pints of bitter, and says, "That'll be 10p each, please."

    The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their pints, and order another round.

    Again, four excellent pints are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please."

    They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two pints and haven't even spent a 1 Pound yet.

    Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve a pint of bitter as good as this for a 10p a piece?"

    "I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for Pound 25 Million Pounds and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer; it's all the same."

    "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

    As the four of them sip at their pints of beer, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

    Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

    The bartender says, "They're retired Gujaratis from Wembley.... They're waiting for Happy Hour......... when drinks are half-price!!!"
  • Nissan Main Dealer

    Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

    Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You sign! You sign!"

    Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off", and shuts the door in his face.

    The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

    Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting, "Look, push off ! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

    The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinaman thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are two very large trucks full of car parts.

    This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him, "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

    The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says, "You not Nissan MainDealer?"
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