• The Dream Eggs!

    The Dream Eggs!
    Joe did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

    "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? ...... and who are you?" he asked.

    "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

    "WHAT!!? Are you saying, I'm dead? I don't want to die ..... I'm too young." said Joe. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."

    "It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own"

    Joe thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

    "I want to return as a hen." Joe replied.

    In the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow ........ then along came the rooster.

    "Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?"

    "Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."

    "Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before?? Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

    Joe clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.

    "Wow" Joe said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.

    The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout, "Joe, for Christ's sake!!! Wake up ... you're shittin' all over the bed!"
  • Abusing Parrot

    A woman walks into a pet shop hoping to find the right pet. She wonders around for a while and she stumbles on to this big ass parrot in this huge cage.

    She checks it out for a minute and notices that the parrot has two strings hanging down. On the right foot is a red string and on the left foot is a yellow string. She calls the pet shop manager over and asks him what the strings mean.

    He say's, "Well madam, if you pull the red string he will sing a hymn and if you pull the yellow string he will say a prayer."

    So the woman thinks out loud, "What would happen if I pulled both strings at the same time?"

    The parrots eyes got real big and he looked at her and screamed out, "I'd fall on my ass you silly bitch!"
  • Dog`s Hand

    Dog`s Hand
    A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table.

    This peaks his curiosity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog. Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog.

    Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing.

    However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player.

    Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, "I can't believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!"

    The player smiled and said, "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
  • Dopin' Lizard

    A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! what are you doing?"

    The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

    So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get adrink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

    A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

    The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

    The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says, "Hey you!"

    The Monkey looks down and says, "Faaaaaaark dude.......how much water did you drink?!
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