• What a cracker!

    A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any crackers?"
    Bar tender says, “No.”
    Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks, "Got any crackers?"
    Bar tender says, “No.”
    Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks, “Got any crackers?”
    Bar tender says, "I told you yesterday and the day before that no! And if you ask that one more time I’ll nail your beak shut!"
    Duck walks out. Duck comes back the next day and asks, "Got any nails?"
    Bar tender says, “No.”
    Duck says "Good. Got any crackers?"
  • St. Peter

    After dying this cat walked up to the Pearly Gates where he met St Peter.
    St. Peter says to the cat, "During your time on earth, you were a good little cat. You kept your masters house & barn free of pests, and for this faithful service, you get one wish for anything you would particularly like.”
    The cat thinks for a moment before replying, "Well, my master had this satin pillow that I loved, so I would like a satin pillow just like that one.”
    St. Peter replies, "Go on through you`ll find it waiting."
    A little while later a group of field mice appear at the Pearly Gates.
    St Peter greets them saying, "During your time on earth you were good little field mice. You kept the other pests from destroying the farmers crop, so as a reward you may have anything you like in heaven."
    The field mice converse briefly before one steps forward and says, "The farmers children had roller skates, and they looked like a lot of fun, so that`s what we`d like."
    St Peter replies, "Go on through you`ll find them waitng."
    A while later St Peter was strolling through Heaven when he came across the cat who was sitting on his satin pillow purring contentedly.
    "So how are you enjoying Heaven?" St Peter inquired.
    "Oh, it`s wonderful," answered the cat, "This pillow is just divine, even better than the one I had in Earth, and the Meals on Wheels, *kisses his paw* Nice Touch."
  • Pretentious parrot!!

    A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
    The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, You are really ugly,"
    The lady was furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly," She was incredibly ticked now.
    The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly,"
    The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and to get rid of the bird if they didn t do something about it. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn t say it again.
    When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
    She paused and said, "Yes ?"
    And the bird replied, "You know."
  • Psychic Hot Line!

    A frog telephoned the Psychic Hot line and was told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you."
    The frog said, "that`s great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
    "No," said the psychic, "next semester in her biology class."
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