• Sign language of a monkey !

    A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
    The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."
    The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
    "You can understand what I am saying?" asked the officer.
    Again, the monkey shook his head up and down."Well, did you see this?"
    "Yes," motioned the monkey.
    "What happened?"
    The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
    "They were drinking?" asked the officer.
    The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
    "What else?"
    The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
    "They were smoking marijuana?"The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
    "What else?"
    The monkey motioned "kissing."
    "They were kissiing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
    The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
    "Now wait, you are saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked."
    The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
    "What were you doing during all this?"
    "Driving" motioned the monkey.
  • Smart snakes!

    The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the animals out and says, "Go forth and multiply."
    A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes. "What`s the problem?" says Noah.
    "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.
    Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?"
    "Certainly", say the snakes. "We`re adders, so we need logs to multiply."
  • Smart Panda!

    A Panda bear walks into a bar. Sits down at a table and orders a beer and a double cheeseburger. After he is finished eating, he pulls out a gun and rips the place with gunfire. Patrons scatter and dive under chairs and tables as the bear runs out the door. After ensuring that no one is hurt, the bartender races out the door, and calls after the bear
    "What the censored did you do that for?"
    The bear calls back, "I`m a Panda bear. Look it up in the dictionary."
    The bartender returns, pulls out his dictionary.

    Panda : \Pan"da\, n. (Zo["o]l.) A small Asiatic mammal (Ailurus fulgens) having fine soft fur. It is related to the bears, and inhabits the mountains of Northern India. Eats shoots and leaves.
  • The boss!

    A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:
    "The parrot on the left costs 500 dollars".
    "Why, does the parrot cost so much" asks the first man.
    The owner says, "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer".
    The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
    Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question
    "What can it do?"
    To which the owner replies "To be honest, I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!".