|Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.|
The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this. I've got a date with the cat."
|A man bought a kitten and tried to teach it to speak. Everyday for six years he taught it the alphabet.|
For hours and hours he'd say to the cat, "Repeat after me..." and then he would say a word, or a sentence.
He was eagerly waiting the day when the cat would repeat the words. But alas, the only thing the cat did for those six years was looking back at his teacher.
Then after six years, to his complete amazement, the cat said, "Look out, the roof is falling down!"
Completely flabbergasted, the man just stared at the cat.
Seconds later, he was crushed to death by the falling roof.
The cat shook his head and said, "For six years he tried so hard to get me to speak. Then, when I did, he wouldn't listen!"
|A crab and a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon, the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who then forbids her to see the crab anymore.|
"It'll never work, honey." he says to her. "Crabs walk sideways and we walk straight."
"Please," she begs her father. "Just meet him once. I know you'll like him."
Her father finally relents and agrees to a one-time meeting, and she runs off to share the good news with her crab sweetie.
The crab is so excited he decides to surprise his beloved's family. He practices and practices until he can finally walk straight!
On the BIG day, he walks the entire way to the lobster's house as straight as he can.
Standing on the porch, and seeing the crab walking towards him, the lobster dad yells to his daughter..... "I knew it! Here comes that crab and he's drunk!"
|Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spotted survivors of a ship that had just sunk.|
"Follow me son" the older father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise old father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"