• Animal Complaints

    It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot. They were an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen.
    The elephant complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a fool!"
    The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick up food, drink water, etc. without getting wet!"
    Next the giraffe complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people laugh at me!"
    The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a distance."
    The hen spoke up, "Lord, I don't want to complain, but either let me have a bigger hole or smaller eggs."
  • Finest Bat

    Finest Bat
    Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner!

    So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood.

    Dracula says, "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family."

    "Very good" said Dracula.

    The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Astonished Dracula says, "How did you do that?"

    The bat replies, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children."

    "Impressive" said Dracula.

    Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned.

    "How on earth did you do that????" he asked.

    And the bat replies, "Do you see this tower?"

    Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says, "Well, I didn't."
  • Sniffer!!!

    A man gets on a plane with his dog.
    "You can't bring a dog on this plane", says the stewardess!
    "But this dog is special," says the passenger, "he's a sniffer dog."
    "Prove it", says the stewardess.
    The man clicks his fingers and the dog runs off down the plane. After a minute, the dog reappears, jumps on his lap, and licks his left cheek.
    "What's that mean?" says the stewardess.
    "It means there's drugs on board." says the man.
    "What else can he do?"
    The man clicks his fingers & the dog runs off again.
    He reappears, & jumps up and licks his right cheek.
    "What's that mean?" says the stewardess.
    "It means there's a gun aboard," says the man.
    "Oh dear!" says the stewardess. That's a bit more serious. "Can he do anything else?"
    The man sends the dog off again. This time, he comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and craps all over the place "What ever does that mean?" says the stewardess.
    The man nervously replies, "Sniffer just found a bomb..."
  • The purrfect gift!

    A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him, he has just what he`s looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to the colourful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is retty, but he doesn`t seem to be much for singing.
    The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet`s left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."
    The husband is very impressed with Chet`s singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet`s right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way."
    The husband says Chet is perfect and that he`ll take him. The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot`s special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet`s left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."
    The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet`s legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird`s legs, and the bird begins to sing........ "Chet`s Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!"