• Dog vs Ferrari

    A farmer has to go out to plow his rental field about 10 miles from his farm. To get there he must drive his tractor, and his dog old Joe trots along beside him.

    Halfway through the plowing, the tractor runs out of fuel. He wanders out to the road and flags down a ride, which just happens to be a Ferrari.

    The driver says, "You can have a ride, but that dog can't get in my car."

    The farmer says, "Don't worry. Old Joe will keep up."

    The driver figures he'll show the farmer just what his car can do and lets it rip. Just as he is going into 5th gear, he looks out the window and sure enough Old Joe is right beside him. He can't wait to have a look at the amazing dog, so he slams on the brakes, and the car stops rather abruptly.

    The driver jumps out exclaiming, "He's the most incredible dog I've ever seen! But what kind of collar is that he's wearing?"

    The farmer shook his head and said, "That's not a collar. That's his asshole. He's not used to stopping that fast.
  • Confused parrot

    A magician on a cruise liner had a parrot, who'd seen all the magician's tricks a jillion times, long ago having figured out the magic behind the magician's disappearing acts.
    The parrot got bored, his owner growing stale and not developing any new tricks that the parrot couldn't figure out.
    One night in the middle of the magician's performance, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone drowned except the magician and the parrot.
    The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage and climb aboard, immediately collapsing from exhaustion.
    Soon afterward, the parrot flew to the magician, perched on the edge of the makeshift raft and stared at the magician. And stared. And stared.
    For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot didn't take his eyes off him.
    Eventually the magician started to stir. Looking up, he saw the parrot, still eyeing him intently, not even blinking.
    Another hour goes by, and finally the parrot squawks, "Awright, I give up. What did you do with the ship?"
  • Smart dog

    A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
    The dog thinks, "Boy, I`m in deep trouble now."
    Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
    Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
    Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
    "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
    Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
    So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
    The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what`s going to happen to that conniving canine."
    Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?"
    But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn`t seen them yet.
    And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where`s that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he`s still not back!!"
  • Poor Snail

    One day a man was sitting on his sofa at home when he heard a knock at the door. He got up to see who it was but when he opened the door no one was there. Just as he was about to sit down he heard the knock again but when he got there again, there was no one at the door.
    He scratched his head, looked around for a second and looked down to see a tiny snail on the porch.
    He picked up the snail, threw it into a field across the street and headed back inside to watch television again.
    Three Years Later
    The same man is sitting on his sofa watching TV and hears a knock at the door. He gets up and goes to see who`s there and there is no one.
    He looks around for a second and just as he is about to close the door, he looks down and sees the snail who looks back up and says "What the Hell was that all about!!?".