• The New Job

    Billy-Bob walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!"
    The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, hm?"

    Billy-Bob says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!" The bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round.

    Monday evening arrives. Billy-Bob comes back into the bar and says, "Bartender, two rounds for everyone, on me!"

    The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"

    Billy-Bob looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says, "You mean they'll PAY me too?"
    Bar
  • Squeeze Out

    The local bar was so sure that its owner was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.

    The challenge was that the owner would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

    Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed. Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.

    After the laughter had subsided the owner said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.

    Everyone looked on in amazement as the owner handed over the prize and asked, "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"

    "No" the man replied, "I work for the Income Tax Department."
    Bar
  • Energetic Cocktail

    "What's that drink you're mixing" the stranger asked the bartender in the upscale Tex-Mex bar.

    "I call it a lil' Texas Shooter", said the bartender as he continued to mix up several batches of the drink.

    "What's in it ?" asked the stranger.

    "Sugar, milk and rum." said the barkeep.

    "Is it good ?" asked the man.

    "Sure is senor." said the bartender smiling. "The sugar gives you pep, and the milk gives you plenty of energy."

    "And the rum?" asked the stranger.

    "Hell man. That gives ya plenty of ideas what to do with all that pep and energy." quipped the bartender.
    Bar
  • On the House

    A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him that he owes $10.

    "But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.

    "OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

    The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not.

    The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.

    The barkeep again replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

    The customer then heads outside and tells a friend how he too can get free drinks.

    The third man hurries in and begins to drink highballs.

    The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the balls..."

    The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
    Bar