A guy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the finest single malt scotch.
The bartender sets him up and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last shot and does the same.
The bartender asks, "Why did you do that?"
And the guy replies, "Well the first shot always tastes like crap ,and the last one always makes me sick!"
In our life, problems may go from "Haywards 2000" to "Haywards 5000", but we must take them as a "Royal Challenge" otherwise people will call us "Old Monk" and put a "Black Label" on our name.
So, we must learn from "Teachers" to fight like "Jack Daniel", live like a "Bagpiper", walk like "Johny Walker", work till "8 PM" & think like "Director Special".
Then life will be "Imperial" and we will become "Aristocrat" and there will be value for our "Signature".
You are convinced that chirping birds are Satans pets.
Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to stay still.
Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
Youd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.
You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
All day long your motto is, Never again.
You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
Your natural response to Good morning, is Shut up!
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."