This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here... and while you're at it, have one yourself."
"Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.
Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else."
The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?"
The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money."
With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar.
About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends."
"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marvelling at the guy's nerve.
"Not likely," slurs the guy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!"
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
If you feel overloaded with Work...
Immediately go to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR) center and place order for any one or more of the following Antidotes:
1: Work Isolating Neutralizing Extract (WINE)
2: Radioactive Un-work Medicine (RUM)
3: Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER)
4: Vaccino Officio Depression Killing Antigen (VODKA)
This is issued in public interest by "Buddies for Eradication of Work Disease Association (BEWDA)
Things that are DIFFICULT to say when drunk:
Things that are VERY DIFFICULT to say when drunk:
2. Rhipidistian-Amphibian Transition
Things that are downright IMPOSSIBLE to say when drunk:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Mac Donalds? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
9. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to hurl in the street.
10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.