A guy walk into a bar and he orders a whiskey. He sits down and just before he takes a sip of his whiskey a guy runs in and says, "Bill! Your house burnt down!"
So he runs outside but then he thinks, "I don't have a house."
So he goes back into the bar and takes a sip of his whiskey.
Another guy runs in and says, "Bill! Your dad died!"
And so he runs out of the bar, gets on his horse and rides a little ways but then thinks, "I don't' have a dad."
So he goes back into the bar and drinks almost all of his whiskey when another guy runs in and says, "Bill! You won the lottery!"
So he runs out, gets on his horse and rides all the way to the bank but then thinks, 'My name's not Bill.'
A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs right into two priests.
He says, "I'm Jesus Christ."
The first priest says, "No, son, you're not."
So the drunk says it to the second priest.
The second priest says, "No, son, you're not."
The drunk says, Look, I can prove it. He walks back into the bar with the two priests.
The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"
This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here... and while you're at it, have one yourself."
"Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.
Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else."
The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?"
The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money."
With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar.
About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends."
"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marvelling at the guy's nerve.
"Not likely," slurs the guy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!"
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."