• Drunk Superman

    Drunk Superman
    On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process.

    This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiosity got the better of him.

    Finally he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you do it?"

    "Well," said the other man, "the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It's lot of fun. You should try it."

    The guy, who was also quite drunk, thought to himself, "Hey, why not?"

    So he goes out to the balcony, jumps off, and seconds laterhe has splatted straight onto the ground, stone dead.

    The bartender looks over to the other guy and says, "Superman, you can be a complete as*hole when you are drunk"
  • Drunk & The Nun

    Drunk & The Nun
    There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.

    As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.

    Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.

    This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.

    By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said.........."Not so strong tonight, are you Batman?"
  • Thirsty Drunk

    Thirsty Drunk
    A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.

    "I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Champagne."

    "That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?"

    "Right!" said the drunk, still crying.

    "You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her, right?"

    "Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"
  • Golden Urinals

    Golden Urinals
    A man came home VERY late, drunk as a skunk, to find his wife waiting for him at the door. "Where have you been?" she screams. "It's 4 in the morning!"

    He says, "Aww, I just stopped at this bar, I was only going to have one drink...but this bar, it was incredible. Everything in it was gold-plated. They had a gold rail under the bar, gold ashtrays, they served the drinks in gold shot glasses, the table posts were all gold-plated, even the mirror behind the bar was gold. The cash register was gold. I was so amazed by all this gold, I just kept ordering drinks, and so I could stay in the bar and look at it. Hell, even when I went to the Men's Room to take a leak, they had gold-plated urinals...man, I want to tell you, it was wonderful."

    "I don't believe that story for one goddamn minute," his wife said. "What was this place called?"

    "Hell," he replies, "I can't remember...I got too drunk, and I forgot."

    "You're gonna have to prove it to me tomorrow when you sober up, or I'm going to divorce you!" she said.

    The next day, the man looks through the Yellow Pages under "BARS", but none of the names ring a bell. He decides that he'll call all the bars listed, and ask the bartenders about the decor in their establishments. He's called about 50 bars so far, and still no luck. Finally, he calls one bar, asks his question, and the bartender says that, yes, they are the bar with all the gold-plated stuff.

    "Here," the man says, handing the phone to his wife. "Ask this bartender if I'm lying!"

    The wife gets on the line, and begins to ask the bartender about all the things her husband had told her about on the previous night...the rail, the shot glasses, the mirrors, the table posts, the cash register, etc. etc. Finally, she says, "Now, this may seem like a strange question, but my husband says you even have gold-plated urinals...do you?"

    The bartender puts the phone down on the bar, and she hears him yell, "Hey Mike!! I think I know who pissed in your saxophone..."