• When You are Drunk

    Things that are difficult to say when drunk:
    1. Innovative
    2. Preliminary
    3. Proliferation
    4. Cinnamon

    Things that are very difficult to say when drunk:
    1. Specificity
    2. Anti-constitutionalistically
    3. Passive-aggressive disorder
    4. Transubstantiate

    Things that are downright impossible to say when drunk:
    1. No thanks, I'm married.
    2. Nope, no more booze for me!
    3. Sorry, but you 're not really my type.
    4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
    5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
    6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
    7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
    8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
    9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
    10. I must be going home now , as I have to work in the morning.
    Bar
  • Free Drinks!

    A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously intoxicated man stumbles in.

    "Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man yells as he approaches.

    Bartender pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink.

    Bartender hands the bill to the man, and he just shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me tonight, sorry."

    The bartender proceeds to beat the living daylights out of the man and throws him out.

    Next night, bartender is again behind his bar when the same well dressed but intoxicated man stumbles in.

    "Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man happily announces as he approaches.

    Bartender thinks, "This guy cant be that stupid, he probably came to pay. Now I feel bad for beating him so hard previous night."

    He pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. Bartender hands the bill to the man, and he again shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me again, sorry."

    The bartender proceeds to beat the man even harder and kicks him out.

    Third night in the row, bartender just cant believe his eyes when he sees the man return.

    "Bartender! A drink for everyone, and a drink for me!" The man calls out as he approaches.

    Bartender is fuming and grins sardonically, "What, no drink for ME tonight?"

    The drunk looks at him and says, "Nah man, you get way too violent when you drink."
    Bar
  • Beer Troubleshooting

    Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
    Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

    Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
    Fault: Improper bladder control.
    Action: Stand next to the nearest dog and complain about house training.

    Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
    Fault: Glass Empty.
    Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
    Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
    Action: Have yourself leashed to the bar.

    Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
    Fault: You have fallen forward.
    Action: See above.

    Symptom: Beer tasteless and the front end of your shirt is wet.
    Fault: Mouth not open or glass applied to the wrong face.
    Action: Retire to the restroom and practice in the mirror.

    Symptom: Floor blurred.
    Fault: You are looking through an empty glass.
    Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    Symptom: Floor moving.
    Fault: You are being carried out.
    Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

    Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
    Fault: Bar has closed.
    Action: Confirm home address with the bartender.

    Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspects and textures.
    Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
    Action: Cover mouth.
    Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
    Fault: Your dancing on the table.
    Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking.

    Symptom: Beer is crystal clear.
    Fault: Someone is trying to sober you up.
    Action: Punch him.

    Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
    Fault: You have been in a fight.
    Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

    Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
    Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party.
    Action: See if they have free beer.

    Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.
    Fault: The beer is too weak.
    Action: Have more beer until your voice improves.
    Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song.
    Fault: Beer is just right.
    Action: Play air guitar.
    Bar
  • Paying in Coins

    A man in the pub orders a beer. He gets it and begins to drink it and notices the beer is kind of warm. So he mentions something to the bartender, who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer.

    Then it is time to pay and instead of giving three $1 dollar bills to the bartender the guy throws 30 dimes behind the counter.

    The bartender is pissed and is on his hands and knees collecting change as the guy leaves.

    The next day the man is back and he comes in waiving a $3 dollar bill.

    The bartender thinks, "Okay, business is business..." and lets him in. Again, the beer is kind of warm, but the guy doesn't say anything.

    Comes time to pay, the man gives him the $5 note.

    The bartender goes to the register to get the change, but instead of taking out two $1 dollar bills, he takes out 20 dimes and throws them all around the entire pub. The bartender says, "There is your f**king change!"

    The man looks around and remains quite calm. He takes out 10 dimes, throws them behind the counter and says, "Gimme another beer!"
    Bar
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