• Wife`s Photograph

    A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double scotch on the rocks.

    After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch.

    After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double scotch.

    Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order another."

    The customer replied, "I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
  • Extra Large

    A guy walks into a Texas bar and orders a small glass beer. When the bartender comes with the drink it was the size of a a keg. The guy says that he just ordered a small glass of beer.

    Bartender says, "That is a small glass of beer, son. Everything in Texas is big."

    Then he ordered a small steak. When the waitress brings it to him, it is this huge 40 oz. piece of meat. The guy says that he only ordered a small steak.

    The waitress says, "Son, everything is big in Texas.

    After eating he asks where the bathroom is and is told to take the third door on the right. By now he is a bit smashed and though he carefully counts the doors, he enters the third door on the left and falls into a pool. He returns to the bar soaking wet.

    "What in Hell happened to you?" asks the barkeep.

    "Oh man, I fell in the damn toilet!"
  • Drunken Excuses

    Drunken Excuses
    Two guys are sitting at a bar. After a bunch of drinks over several hours, one guy hiccups, drops his head down to his chest, pushes himself away from the bar, and proceeds to hurl all over himself.

    Wiping his mouth off on his shirtsleeve, he says, "Man, I gotta go home. I'm already two hours late, and now I've thrown up all over myself. My wife is gonna kill me.

    The second guy turns to the first and says, "Naw she won't. Listen, you got twenty bucks?"

    The first says, "Yeah, why?"

    The second drunk says, "Take the twenty and put it in your front pocket. When you get home and your wife asks what happened, you tell her some guy threw up on your shirt and he gave you twenty bucks for the dry cleaning. I do it all the time."

    The first guy says, "Great idea! Let's have another round", and the two continued to drink for the next couple of hours.

    Eventually they head home. Sure enough, the first guy’s wife is waiting up for him. As he walks through the door, she takes a look at him and says, "Look at you! You're pathetic!! You're five hours late, drunk as a skunk, and you've got dried puke all over the front of you! What have you got to say for yourself ?!?"

    He says, "Wait honey, listen for a second. This drunken guy threw up on me and gave me twenty bucks to get my shirt dry cleaned, I swear. Check my front pocket."

    She reaches in and pulls out the money. She says, "Wait there's 40 bucks in here!"

    He says, "Oh yeah, he crapped in my pants too!!"
  • Freezing Cold

    A drunk stumbles out of a bar and he makes his way into the cemetery behind the tavern. He walks right to the edge of a freshly dug grave, loses his balance and falls in.

    There's a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the night yelling, "Help me, I'm cold! Someone help me, I'm cold!"

    At closing time, another drunk walks behind the bar and hears the noise.

    He gets to the open grave, looks down and says, "Of course you're cold, you idiot, you kicked all the dirt off yourself!"