• A real hurry!

    A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive thirty-year- old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him.
    Then, without pausing, he downs each one.
    "Whew," the bartender remarks, "you seem to be in a hurry."
    "You would be, too, if you had what I have."
    "What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asks.

    "Fifty cents."
  • Stockinvest!

    If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $72.

    If you bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the 5-cent deposit, you would have $79.

    My advice is to start drinking heavily.
  • Double trouble!

    It was a fine summer evening at the local pub in Dublin. The bar was about half full. In one corner two fellows sat drinking pints. One fellow asks the other "Now where are ya from, me lad?"
    The second fellow replies "County Cork."
    The first fellow is amazed "Why that`s were I hail from too! What may be your family name, then?"
    The second chap says "It be none other than O`Brien"
    "Why that is my clan, too. What a small world. And to what school did you go?"
    "I went to St. Brigits."
    "My God, So did I!!" exclaimed the first fellow loudly.
    "So then, in what fine year did you graduate?"
    "1954" "Incredible, so did I!..."

    The local bobby (are they called that in Ireland?) stopped in around then to say hello to the bartender. "Every thing OK, Michael?"
    "Yes," the bartender replied, "things are pretty normal - the O`Brien wins are drunk again!"
  • Confession box!

    A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
    Finally, the drunk replies, No use knocking, there`s no paper in this one either.