|A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. 200 yards further he’s stopped by a police officer. |
Officer: "Good evening sir. We’re testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow into this machine?"
Man: "I`m sorry, I can’t do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will get out of air".
Officer: "Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test".
Man: "I can’t do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death".
Officer: "Then you’ll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line".
Man: "Can’t do that either".
?Officer: "Why not?"
Man: "Because I’m dead drunk".
|Every afternoon this guy goes into the bar and orders 4 shots of scotch at the same time, then proceeds to drink them all. One day the bartender asks him why he orders all 4 at once and the guy replies that he has 3 brothers who do the same thing every day at the same time so that they can all have a drink together no matter where they are. One day the guy comes in and only orders 3 shots. Well the bartender thinking the worst asks the guy if one of his brothers had passed away.|
The guy laughs and says "No it`s me, I quit drinking."
|A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. |
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I`M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN`T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I`M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON`T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
|A drunk walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."|
So, the bartender does just that, and hands the man the bill.
The drunk says, "I haven`t got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender figures that he can`t possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt. He pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill.
Again, the drunk says, "I haven`t got it."
The bartender can`t believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, and then throws him out into the street.
The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill."
In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replies, "Nope! You get too violent when you drink."