• Military precision!

    Some ladies, who were determined to put an end to drinking in their colony, went to the house of a retired Army Officer one evening.
    "When did you last have a drink?" they asked
    "1945" replied the officer.
    "That is very good!" remarked the ladies very happily. "So you are a teetotaler now?"
    "I wouldn t call it exactly that," replied the officer, looking at his watch. "You see it is only 2015 now."
    Bar
  • Don`t you have a bigger chicken?

    A meat counter clerk, who was drunk and had a particularly good day, proudly flipped his last chicken on a scale and weighed it.
    "That will be $6.35," he told the customer.
    "That really is a little too small," said the woman. "Don`t you have anything larger"
    Hesitating, but thinking fast, the clerk returned the chicken to the refrigerator, paused a moment, then took it out again. "This one," he said faintly, "will be $6.65."
    The woman paused for a moment, then made her decision. "I know what," she said, "I`ll take both of them!"
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  • How long?

    This drunk gets on a bus and asks the driver how long the trip is between Limerick and Cork.
    About two hours," says the conductor.
    "OK," says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Cork and Limerick?"
    The irate driver says to the drunk "It`s still about two hours. Why`d you think there`d be a difference?"
    "Well," says the drunk, "It`s only a week between Christmas and New Year, but it`s a long time between New Year and Christmas !"
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  • Hangover !!!

    It was the morning after, and he sat groaning and holding his head.
    "Well, if you hadn`t drunk so much last night you wouldn`t feel so bad now," the wife said tartly.
    "My drinking had nothing to do with it," he answered. "I went to bed feeling wonderful and woke up feeling awful. It was the sleep that did it!"
    Bar
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