• Beer Troubleshooting

    Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
    Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

    Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
    Fault: Improper bladder control.
    Action: Stand next to the nearest dog and complain about house training.

    Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
    Fault: Glass Empty.
    Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
    Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
    Action: Have yourself leashed to the bar.

    Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
    Fault: You have fallen forward.
    Action: See above.

    Symptom: Beer tasteless and the front end of your shirt is wet.
    Fault: Mouth not open or glass applied to the wrong face.
    Action: Retire to the restroom and practice in the mirror.

    Symptom: Floor blurred.
    Fault: You are looking through an empty glass.
    Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    Symptom: Floor moving.
    Fault: You are being carried out.
    Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

    Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
    Fault: Bar has closed.
    Action: Confirm home address with the bartender.

    Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspects and textures.
    Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
    Action: Cover mouth.
    Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
    Fault: Your dancing on the table.
    Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking.

    Symptom: Beer is crystal clear.
    Fault: Someone is trying to sober you up.
    Action: Punch him.

    Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
    Fault: You have been in a fight.
    Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

    Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
    Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party.
    Action: See if they have free beer.

    Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.
    Fault: The beer is too weak.
    Action: Have more beer until your voice improves.
    Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song.
    Fault: Beer is just right.
    Action: Play air guitar.
  • Falling-Down Drunk

    A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk.

    So the bartender says to another man in the bar, "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

    The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times.

    They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and they stumble up the steps to his house the drunk almost having to be carried.

    The drunk's wife greets them at the door, "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"
  • Free Drinks!

    A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave.

    The bartender tells him that he owes $10.

    "But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.

    "OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

    The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not.

    The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.

    The barkeep again replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

    The customer then heads outside and tells a friend how he too can get free drinks.

    The third man hurries in and begins to drink highballs.

    The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the balls..."

    The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles.

    Just give me my change and I'll be on my way.
  • Champagne of Draft Beer?

    Carl was talking to a girl in a New York City bar. He asked, "Can I get you a drink?"

    The girl replied, "Certainly."

    Carl then asked, "What would you like?"

    The girl said, "Champagne."

    Carl then asked, "Why Champagne?"

    The girl replied, "Because when I drink champagne I imagine I am a goddess on the Nile, draped in a long robe, relaxing peacefully, with servants fanning me and dropping peeled grapes into my mouth."

    Curious, Carl asked her, "What if I just buy you a draft beer?"

    The girl replied, "I'll cut wet farts all night."