• Beer Troubleshooting

    Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
    Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

    Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
    Fault: Improper bladder control.
    Action: Stand next to the nearest dog and complain about house training.

    Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
    Fault: Glass Empty.
    Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
    Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
    Action: Have yourself leashed to the bar.

    Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
    Fault: You have fallen forward.
    Action: See above.

    Symptom: Beer tasteless and the front end of your shirt is wet.
    Fault: Mouth not open or glass applied to the wrong face.
    Action: Retire to the restroom and practice in the mirror.

    Symptom: Floor blurred.
    Fault: You are looking through an empty glass.
    Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    Symptom: Floor moving.
    Fault: You are being carried out.
    Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

    Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
    Fault: Bar has closed.
    Action: Confirm home address with the bartender.

    Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspects and textures.
    Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
    Action: Cover mouth.
    Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
    Fault: Your dancing on the table.
    Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking.

    Symptom: Beer is crystal clear.
    Fault: Someone is trying to sober you up.
    Action: Punch him.

    Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
    Fault: You have been in a fight.
    Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

    Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
    Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party.
    Action: See if they have free beer.

    Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.
    Fault: The beer is too weak.
    Action: Have more beer until your voice improves.
    Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song.
    Fault: Beer is just right.
    Action: Play air guitar.
    Bar
  • Paying in Coins

    A man in the pub orders a beer. He gets it and begins to drink it and notices the beer is kind of warm. So he mentions something to the bartender, who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer.

    Then it is time to pay and instead of giving three $1 dollar bills to the bartender the guy throws 30 dimes behind the counter.

    The bartender is pissed and is on his hands and knees collecting change as the guy leaves.

    The next day the man is back and he comes in waiving a $3 dollar bill.

    The bartender thinks, "Okay, business is business..." and lets him in. Again, the beer is kind of warm, but the guy doesn't say anything.

    Comes time to pay, the man gives him the $5 note.

    The bartender goes to the register to get the change, but instead of taking out two $1 dollar bills, he takes out 20 dimes and throws them all around the entire pub. The bartender says, "There is your f**king change!"

    The man looks around and remains quite calm. He takes out 10 dimes, throws them behind the counter and says, "Gimme another beer!"
    Bar
  • Wine Wisdom

    To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

    As Ben Franklin said:
    In wine there is wisdom,
    In beer there is freedom,
    In water there is bacteria.

    In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces.

    In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

    However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

    Remember:
    Water = Poop,
    Wine = Health.

    Therefore we conclude: It's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

    VERIFICATION: BOTH THE HOUSE AND SENATE DRINK A LOT OF WATER WHILE IN SESSION. THIS EXPLAINS THE RESULTS THEREIN.

    There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I'm doing it as a public service.
    Have a nice day and enjoy a real drink!!!
    Bar
  • The Golden Urinal

    A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

    "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

    "At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"

    The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

    "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

    "Yes it is," bartender answers.

    "Do you have huge golden doors?"

    "Sure do."

    "Do you have golden floors?"

    "Most certainly do."

    "What about golden urinals?"

    There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
    Bar