• Bar timings...

    At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunken guy asking what time the bar opens.
    "It opens at noon," answers the clerk.
    About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.
    "What time does the bar open?" he asks.
    "Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk.
    Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
    The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can`t wait, I can have room service send something up to you."
    "Oh! No... I don`t want to git in... Ah want to git OUT!!!"
  • Drunk Nawab!

    Nawab sahab has been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he`ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
    "So, you ve been out drinking again!!"
    "How did you know?" he asks.
    "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
  • Dead drunk!

    A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. 200 yards further he’s stopped by a police officer.
    Officer: "Good evening sir. We’re testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow into this machine?"
    Man: "I`m sorry, I can’t do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will get out of air".
    Officer: "Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test".
    Man: "I can’t do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death".
    Officer: "Then you’ll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line".
    Man: "Can’t do that either".
    ?Officer: "Why not?"
    Man: "Because I’m dead drunk".
  • Who quits?

    Every afternoon this guy goes into the bar and orders 4 shots of scotch at the same time, then proceeds to drink them all. One day the bartender asks him why he orders all 4 at once and the guy replies that he has 3 brothers who do the same thing every day at the same time so that they can all have a drink together no matter where they are. One day the guy comes in and only orders 3 shots. Well the bartender thinking the worst asks the guy if one of his brothers had passed away.
    The guy laughs and says "No it`s me, I quit drinking."