• X-mas Driving WARNING

    A warning to all you drivers at Christmas

    A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people.

    Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea.

    Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a Bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past.

    I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a Bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from....
    Bar
  • Drink Fault-finding Guide

    A solution to all of your drinking troubles:

    Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
    Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
    Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

    Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
    Fault: Glass is empty.
    Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

    Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
    Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

    Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
    Fault: Loss of self-control.
    Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

    Symptom: Bar blurred.
    Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
    Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
    Symptom: Bar swaying.

    Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
    Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

    Symptom: Bar moving.
    Fault: You are being carried out.
    Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

    Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
    Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
    Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

    Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
    Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
    Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

    Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.

    Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
    Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

    Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
    Fault: The pub is closing.
    Solution: Panic
    Bar
  • On the House

    A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him that he owes $10.

    "But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.

    "OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

    The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not.

    The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.

    The barkeep again replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

    The customer then heads outside and tells a friend how he too can get free drinks.

    The third man hurries in and begins to drink highballs.

    The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the balls..."

    The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
    Bar
  • Bartender Help

    An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.

    He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

    The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.

    The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

    The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

    The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?"

    The bartender quickly replies, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."
    Bar