• Drunk Fart

    There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.

    Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.

    The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."

    The drunks replies, " I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."
  • Believe me!

    Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
    "It's Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five of those. Then I had to drive my friend Johne home and of course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, you know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .."
    And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
    The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test." Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't you believe me???!!!"
  • Self Refilling

    Self Refilling
    A drunk guy was stumbling home one day when he got lost and found himself in the bush. He fell to the ground and noticed a lamp. He picked it up, and rubbed it, and out came a genie.

    "You have three wishes, choose them wisely." says the Genie.

    The guy, looking down at his last, and empty, bottle of beer, smashes it on some rocks and says, "I want a beer that will never run out."


    A bottle appears in front of the guy. He takes it, looks at it, and downs it. He looks at it again, and to his surprise, it was still full. The guy being very content starts walking away.

    "Where are you going," asks the Genie, "You still have two wishes left!"

    "Well," replies the guy, "Give me TWO more of these!"
  • No More Peas

    No More Peas
    There was a businessman, and he was feeling really crook, and he went to see the Doctor about it.

    The doctor says to him, "Well, it must be your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?"

    The man replies, "Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green foods."

    The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, "Well man, that's your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, you'll have to give them up!!"

    The guy says, "But how long for, I mean I really like peas!"

    The doctor replies, "Forever, I'm afraid"

    The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, so he realises that he will never eat a pea again.

    Anyway, one night, years later, he's at a convention for his employer and getting quite sloshed.

    One of the reps says, "Well, actually, I'd love a cigarette, because I haven't had a smoke in four years, I gave it up."

    Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, "Really, I haven't had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so i gave it up!"

    The businessman says. "That's nothing, I haven't had a pea in 7 years."

    The barman jumps up screaming, "Ok, everyone who can't swim, grab a table...."