• Where's My Car????

    A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars.

    The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy.

    "What the heck are you doing ?" he asks the drunk.

    "I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." he replies.

    "So how does feeling the roof help you ?" asks the puzzled manager.

    "Well," replies the drunk earnestly, "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!"
  • Suing Big Companies

    Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"

    "Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.

    "And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?"

    "Sure is Bubba. But why are you asking?"

    "Cause what I want to know is can I sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with?"
  • Stealing a Bus

    Because they've spent all their cash on booze during a night on the town, Dave and Eric have no money for a taxi home.

    Dave has a drunken idea. "Let's steal a bus!"

    He persuades Eric to break into the bus station. But 20 minutes later, Eric has failed to emerge.

    Dave sticks his head round the door. "What on earth are you doing?"

    "I can't find a number seven anywhere," says a distressed Eric.

    "You idiot," shouts Dave, shaking his head in disbelief. "Just steal a number nine. We can get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way."
  • 5 Stages of Being Drunk

    Stage 1 - SMART
    This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe.
    You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen.
    At this stage you are always RIGHT.
    And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG.
    This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

    Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
    This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you.
    You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you.
    Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

    Stage 3 - RICH
    This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world.
    You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar.
    You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets.
    It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH.
    You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

    Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
    You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.
    This is because nothing can hurt you.
    At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money.
    You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

    Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
    This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.
    At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.
    You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.
    You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.