• Drink Fault-finding Guide

    A solution to all of your drinking troubles:

    Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
    Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
    Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

    Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
    Fault: Glass is empty.
    Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

    Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
    Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

    Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
    Fault: Loss of self-control.
    Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

    Symptom: Bar blurred.
    Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
    Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
    Symptom: Bar swaying.

    Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
    Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

    Symptom: Bar moving.
    Fault: You are being carried out.
    Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

    Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
    Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
    Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

    Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
    Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
    Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

    Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.

    Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
    Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

    Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
    Fault: The pub is closing.
    Solution: Panic
    Bar
  • Champagne of Draft Beer?

    Carl was talking to a girl in a New York City bar. He asked, "Can I get you a drink?"

    The girl replied, "Certainly."

    Carl then asked, "What would you like?"

    The girl said, "Champagne."

    Carl then asked, "Why Champagne?"

    The girl replied, "Because when I drink champagne I imagine I am a goddess on the Nile, draped in a long robe, relaxing peacefully, with servants fanning me and dropping peeled grapes into my mouth."

    Curious, Carl asked her, "What if I just buy you a draft beer?"

    The girl replied, "I'll cut wet farts all night."
    Bar
  • Free Drinks!

    A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave.

    The bartender tells him that he owes $10.

    "But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.

    "OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

    The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not.

    The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.

    The barkeep again replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

    The customer then heads outside and tells a friend how he too can get free drinks.

    The third man hurries in and begins to drink highballs.

    The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the balls..."

    The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles.

    Just give me my change and I'll be on my way.
    Bar
  • Two Timing Wife

    Dave was feeling depressed, and his best friend Keith decided to take Dave to the Pub, to try and cheer him up.

    He asked Dave what was it that was troubling him, but Dave didn't want to talk about it. So they sat there getting slowly pissed.

    Keith matched Dave drink for drink, trying to get him to talk about what was troubling him.

    Gentle prodding was ignored until finally, after downing the sixth, Dave blurted out, "OK, it's your wife."

    "My wife?" his Keith demanded. "What about my wife?"

    "I think she's cheating on us."
    Bar
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