Bar Jokes

1. No thanks, I'm married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. I'm not interested in fighting you.

5. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!

6. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

7. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop.

A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.

"Good lord, mister," he gasped, "Are you drunk?"

"Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am... a stunt driver?"

Late one Friday night the policemen spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those.

Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know.

Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"

"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a Breathalyzer?" asked one drink to his friend at the next barstool.

"Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.

"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years and years now!"