• Getting Drunk

    Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.

    He says, "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me."

    His friend says, "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

    So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

    Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time, "You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, you're disgusting..."

    Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."

    She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars."

    "Ah, yes," says the man. "He peed in my trousers too!!!"
  • Scotch & Water

    A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

    The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

    As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

    The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

    "Coming up," says the bartender.

    As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

    "Coming right up," the bartender says.

    As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

    The old woman replies, Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor... Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
  • Finding Jesus

    A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.

    The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

    The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher... I sure am."

    The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

    "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

    "No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

    The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

    "No, I did not Reverend."

    The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?"

    The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
  • Tips for New Year Booze

    Since today is 31st December, these some Self-Care Tips for drunkards will be useful....

    1. Symptom : Cold and humid feet.
    Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the Drink on your feet).
    Cure: Manoeuver glass until open end is facing upward.

    2. Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
    Cause: You're lying on the floor.
    Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

    3. Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
    Cause: Looking through an empty glass.
    Cure: Quickly refill your glass!

    4. Symptom: The floor is moving.
    Cause: You're being dragged away.
    Cure: At least ask where they're taking you!

    5. Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
    Cause : You have your glass on your ear and tryin to drink from it.
    Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself!

    6. Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking funny.
    Cause: You're in the wrong house.
    Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house.

    7. Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
    Cause: You're in an ambulance.
    Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.