|Since today is 31st December, these some Self-Care Tips for drunkards will be useful....|
1. Symptom : Cold and humid feet.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the Drink on your feet).
Cure: Manoeuver glass until open end is facing upward.
2. Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause: You're lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.
3. Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause: Looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill your glass!
4. Symptom: The floor is moving.
Cause: You're being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they're taking you!
5. Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause : You have your glass on your ear and tryin to drink from it.
Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself!
6. Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking funny.
Cause: You're in the wrong house.
Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house.
7. Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause: You're in an ambulance.
Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.
ISSUED IN PUBLIC INTEREST.
|A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars.|
The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy.
"What the heck are you doing ?" he asks the drunk.
"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." he replies.
"So how does feeling the roof help you ?" asks the puzzled manager.
"Well," replies the drunk earnestly, "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!"
|Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"|
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?"
"Sure is Bubba. But why are you asking?"
"Cause what I want to know is can I sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with?"
|Because they've spent all their cash on booze during a night on the town, Dave and Eric have no money for a taxi home.|
Dave has a drunken idea. "Let's steal a bus!"
He persuades Eric to break into the bus station. But 20 minutes later, Eric has failed to emerge.
Dave sticks his head round the door. "What on earth are you doing?"
"I can't find a number seven anywhere," says a distressed Eric.
"You idiot," shouts Dave, shaking his head in disbelief. "Just steal a number nine. We can get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way."