Bar Jokes

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Signs You Have a Hangover

You are convinced that chirping birds are Satans pets.

Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to stay still.

Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.

Youd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.

You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.

You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.

All day long your motto is, Never again.

You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.

Your natural response to Good morning, is Shut up!

Driving Under the Influence

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

A Night Out!

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 miles home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom.

When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

Habitual Drinker

The poor man was such a habitual drinker that even he was finally convinced that he was an alcoholic. At his family's urging he went to see a psychiatrist. After a lengthy consultation, the doctor sternly ordered that hereafter, every time the patient got drunk he was to report his transgression the very next day.

A few days later the patient staggered into the psychiatrist's office.

"I wanna report that I wash drunk last night," he mumbled.

"For heaven's sake, man, you're drunk right now! "cried the doctor.

"Yeah I know," said the patient, "but I'm gonna report this tomorrow...."

Quotes

There comes a point in a relationship when you realize that you trust someone enough to let them keep their secrets.

Trivia

France, Italy and Chile have formally recognized the existence of UFOs.

Graffiti

The old songs are best because nobody sings them any more.