• The Golden Urinal

    A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

    "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

    "At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"

    The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

    "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

    "Yes it is," bartender answers.

    "Do you have huge golden doors?"

    "Sure do."

    "Do you have golden floors?"

    "Most certainly do."

    "What about golden urinals?"

    There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
  • Less I Drink...

    A bloke went into a pub, sat down at the bar and ordered five pots.

    The barman wondered since he was alone, but served up the five pots. And the bloke downed them all... one, two, three, four, five.

    As he finished the last one, he called to the barman and ordered four more. The barman served up four pots and the bloke downed them... one, two, three, four.

    He belched, swayed a little on his stool, but ordered three more. And again he knocked them back.... one, two, three.

    "Two potsh, mate!" he called.

    The barman served him two pots and down they went.... one, two.

    "One pot, sssir!"

    The barman served him one but the bloke just sat there, staring at it, trying to focus.

    Then he told the barman, "Y'know, it'shs... ssstrange, but the lesssh I drink, the drunker I feel!"
  • Drinkers are Practical People

    A Lady was conducting her anti drinking campaign outside a bar.

    A man came out of the Bar exuding alcohol fumes and the Lady said, "Reflect !!! If you arrive at the Gates of Heaven with your breath smelling of liquor... Do you think the Lord will let you in ???"

    "My good woman" passionately holding her hand, said the man, "When I go to Heaven I expect to leave my breath behind."

    Moral: Drinkers are practical people. Kindly Support them !!!!
  • Drink Fault-Finding Guide

    A solution to all of your drinking troubles.

    Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
    Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
    Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

    Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
    Fault: Glass is empty.
    Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

    Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
    Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

    Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
    Fault: Loss of self-control.
    Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

    Symptom: Bar blurred.
    Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
    Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

    Symptom: Bar swaying.
    Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
    Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

    Symptom: Bar moving.
    Fault: You are being carried out.
    Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

    Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
    Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
    Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

    Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
    Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
    Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

    Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
    Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
    Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

    Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
    Fault: The pub is closing.
    Solution: Panic.
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