One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
If you feel overloaded with Work...
Immediately go to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR) center and place order for any one or more of the following Antidotes:
1: Work Isolating Neutralizing Extract (WINE)
2: Radioactive Un-work Medicine (RUM)
3: Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER)
4: Vaccino Officio Depression Killing Antigen (VODKA)
This is issued in public interest by "Buddies for Eradication of Work Disease Association (BEWDA)
Things that are DIFFICULT to say when drunk:
Things that are VERY DIFFICULT to say when drunk:
2. Rhipidistian-Amphibian Transition
Things that are downright IMPOSSIBLE to say when drunk:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Mac Donalds? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
9. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to hurl in the street.
10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bullseye and win a prize. Only a dollar for three darts.
The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bullseye!! He downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go...Two bulls eyes!!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go of the last dart. Three bulls eyes!!!
All are astounded. No one has ever won before. The bartender searches for a prize... grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize.
Three weeks pass... the drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize.
The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn't know what to give, so he asks the drunk, "Say, what did you win the last time?"
And the drunk responds, "A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!"