• Condemned By a Nun

    A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

    As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.

    Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"

    The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."

    "Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"

    "Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."

    "Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"

    "Well, I really don't know...."

    "I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."

    "Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question.

    However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

    "Well let's go inside and settle this"

    "No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."

    "You're on!" said the guy.

    The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"

    The bartender sighed and said, "Is that frickin' nun out there again!"
  • Warm Beer!!!

    A man in the pub orders a beer. He gets it and begins to drink it and notices the beer is kind of warm. So he mentions something to the bartender, who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer.

    Then it is time to pay and instead of giving three $1 dollar bills to the bartender the guy throws 30 dimes behind the counter.

    The bartender is pissed and is on his hands and knees collecting change as the guy leaves.

    The next day the man is back and he comes in waiving a $3 dollar bill.

    The bartender thinks, "Okay, business is business," and lets him in. Again, the beer is kind of warm, but the guy doesn't say anything.

    Comes time to pay, the man gives him the $5 note.

    The bartender goes to the register to get the change, but instead of taking out two $1 dollar bills, he takes out 20 dimes and throws them all around the entire pub. The bartender says, "There is your f*cking change!"

    The man looks around and remains quite calm. He takes out 10 dimes, throws them behind the counter and says, "Gimme another beer!"
  • Getting Drunk

    Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.

    He says, "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me."

    His friend says, "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

    So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

    Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time, "You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, you're disgusting..."

    Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."

    She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars."

    "Ah, yes," says the man. "He peed in my trousers too!!!"
  • Scotch & Water

    A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

    The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

    As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

    The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

    "Coming up," says the bartender.

    As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

    "Coming right up," the bartender says.

    As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

    The old woman replies, Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor... Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."