• Wall Clock!

    A man passed away and went to Heaven. When he arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Come on in. I`ll show you around. You`ll like it here."
    While walking through the gates, the man noticed clocks everywhere. There were grandfather clocks, wall clocks, watches, and clocks in every corner. It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.
    The man questioned St. Peter, "What`s the deal? Why are all these clocks here in Heaven?"
    "The clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time that person on earth tells a lie, his clock moves ahead one minute." St. Peter continued, "For instance, this clock is for Sam, the used car salesman. Sam sells a lot of used cars, so the minute hand on his clock moves all day long."
    The man and St. Peter continued walking. Soon, they came to a clock with cobwebs on the minute hand. "Whose clock is that?" asked the man.
    "That clock belongs to the Widow Mary. She is one of the finest, God-fearing, people on earth. I`ll bet her clock hasn`t moved in a year or two."
    When the tour was finished, the man said, "You know, I ve seen everyone`s clock but President Clinton`s. Where`s his clock?"
    Saint Peter smiled and replied, "Look overhead. We use his clock for a ceiling fan."
  • Chauffeur!

    One day Bill Clinton is riding in his Limousine and he said to the driver, "You know, I used to love driving very much when I was young, and I haven`t done it for a long time. Why don`t you let me drive for once?"
    The driver thinks to himself, "Well, I can`t say no to this guy, he`s the president."
    So the driver pulls over and they change places. Bill was having fun, zooming down the freeway, dodging and overtaking cars.
    After a while the driver taps on the window and tells Bill, "Mr. President, slow down a bit. You`re doing over a hundred and fifty miles an hour."
    Bill says, "ahhh, don`t worry about it, I`m the President."
    So he rolls up the window and continues to drive very fast. After a few moments he gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and Bill rolls down the tinted window and says:
    "Do you know who I`am?"
    The cop sees the President and says, "oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can you hold on a minute"
    Bill says, "Sure"
    The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station.
    He says "guys I just pulled over some one very important, and I need advice on how to handle this."
    They ask whom, "The mayor?"
    "No, much more important."
    "The governor?"
    "More important."
    "The President?"
    "No, even more important."
    "Well, who is it?"
    "I don`t know, but Bill Clinton is his chauffeur."
  • Hold up!

    A tea party in honour of freedom fighters was in progress at Giani Zail Singh’s house. Two other former Presidents, Neelam Sanjiva Reddy and R. Venkataraman were also present. Suddenly a group of terrorists took over the party. They lined up all the three former Presidents for execution.
    As the firing squad got ready, Sanjiva Reddy yelled, "Earthquake!" and escaped in a commotion that followed.
    The executioners got ready again, and as they took aim, Venkataraman shouted, "Flood!" and he too escaped in the confusion.
    As the firing squad lined for the third time, Zail Singh decided to try the same idea and yelled, "Fire !!!!!"
  • Bill Clinton died?

    When he reached the pearly gates and knocked, St. Peter asked "Who is it?"
    Clinton said, "It`s me, Bill Clinton."
    Peter asked, "Have you done anything wrong that I should know about?"
    Clinton said, "I smoked pot once, but you can`t hold it against me because I did not inhale. I was unfaithful to my wife, but you cannot hold it against me because I didn`t have sex. I lied, but you can`t hold it against me because I didn`t commit perjury."

    Peter said "Well we are going to send you to a place, but we`re not going to call it Hell. You are going to stay there for a while, but we are not going to call it eternity."