• How to Get into Heaven

    The teacher asked the children in the Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"

    "NO!" the children all answered.

    "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"

    Again, the answer was, "NO!"

    "Well," the teacher continued, "then how can I get to Heaven?" In the back of the room, a 5 year old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead."
  • Unruly Child

    Unruly Child A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!"

    The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?" he said.

    "Then I'll come home and eat!" bravely declared the child.

    "And what if you run out of money?"

    "I will come home and get some!", readily replied the child.

    The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?"

    "Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply.

    The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home, he's going off to college!!!"
  • Why Teachers Drink

    The following questions were in a UK grade 12 equivalent examination - (Purportedly genuine answers).

    Q. What is a turbine?
    A. Something an Arab or Sheikh wears on his head.

    Q. How is dew formed?
    A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

    Q. What are steroids?
    A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
    (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope.)

    Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
    A. Premature death.
    v Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
    A. Keep it in the cow.
    (Simple, but brilliant)

    Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)?
    A. The body consists of 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the 5 bowels... A, E, I, O, U

    Q. What is the fibula?
    A. A small lie.

    Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
    A. Nearby

    Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section.'
    A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

    Q. What is a seizure?
    A. A Roman Emperor.
    (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I conked out.)

    Q. What is a terminal illness?
    A. When you are sick at the airport.
    (Irrefutable)

    Q. Name the four seasons? A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

    No wonder Britain Brexited !!!
  • Next Generation Kids

    HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
    1. You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

    No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10

    2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
    Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.... -- Camille, age 10

    3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
    You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8

    4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
    Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

    5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
    Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure?)

    On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

    6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
    When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7(Love her)

    The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. -- Curt, age 7

    The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8

    7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
    It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )

    8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
    There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8

    And the#1Favorite is.......
    9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
    Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. -- Ricky, age 9